Tuesday, February 2, 2010

State Of The Union

To any people who don't want to read something personal, please don't read this. This is very personal.

My life is so crazy right now.

So, I am still married. T__ and I are working on the divorce now. We are sleeping in separate rooms, but are still living together. This has been going on for a while now. We get along fine still.

We are trying collaborative divorce. We each have lawyers, and are meeting with two different specialists next week (one for finances, and one to help us with the transition and custody arrangements for our kids).

I don't really have any bitterness now about the end of our marriage. That's not to say that bitterness could well up from time to time, I guess. I mean, there are going to be days when I wake up and my kids won't be there. That will hurt, and I might get a wave of anger wash over me. But I think I have moved toward accepting the divorce, and the end of the marriage.

It's sad, of course. I did not get married, did not have kids, with the purpose of having this happen. I'm most sad about the kids. I'm very, very sad.

I feel like there's hope for them. T__ and I both want what's best for them. And we want to get along, we want to be a family for the kids. We're loving parents, and that's not going to change. Still, man, the kids are going to be hurt. There's no way around that.

My mother is going to carry anger and hatred toward T__ for the rest of her life. I'm sad about that, too. T__ still loves my mom. She really does. I wish I could make things better, but I can't.

I have met someone recently. Her name is Lisa. She is a wonderful person. It's a long-distance relationship, but we recently spent time together in person. I love her. T__ knows about her.

I have gotten to know Lisa over the past few months. I loved her as a person before I ever had any romantic feelings for her. She's a genuinely wonderful human being.

I can't control the timing of things. Even though T__ and I are over as a romantic couple, it would been have better for Lisa and I if T__ and I would have been *completely* free and clear. But we're not yet. We still live together, and we are still married.

What a horrible mess.

T__ is still my friend, and she is the mother of my children. She says she wants me to do whatever will make me happy. She has encouraged me to see other women. And I love Lisa. It bothers Lisa greatly that I'm still married, still living with my wife. Of course it would. She doesn't want to feel like a mistress. She doesn't want to be part of my marriage, or my divorce.

She wants me free and clear. How long before T__ and I are living in separate households? How long? I can't give Lisa an answer.

So many people are being hurt. Lisa is being hurt. My mother is being hurt. Even though this divorce is what T__ wanted, I'm sure she is going through her own pain.

And my kids. My kids don't know yet. I know they're the most important thing in all of this. I just want to do right by them. And I'll do my best.

Still, I'm so sorry about everything.


Tantra Flower said...

I am so sorry. I want to say something reassuring, but I'm afraid it would just come across as an invalidation of your feelings. And I'm so tongue-tied, all I have a bunch of platitudes anyway and who wants those? Sigh. I love you. That is all.

okjimm said...

Look it, Dude. This was like reading a mirror. I really don't remember exactly when my divorce was....about five years after we split up. The kids were six and three.
The first year was absolutely the shits... there was no 'sex&drugs&violence'..it just didn't work. But after about ten months the ex and I decided that we were not going to victimize the kids. OK. and that part worked (after a lot of work) The kids are not 23 and 20. Hale, healthy smart and basically ok. The deal is, not to talk about me... but if you can concentrate on doing what is right for the kids.... you will be ok, too. A successful divorce is almost as difficult as a successful marriage. But it can happen.... Listen... hang in there and keep Tuesdays disconnected! You can do It!

Some Guy said...

I wish you all the best, Splotch.

Cormac Brown said...

I'm sorry to hear this Splotchy, I hope it all works out for all of you.

Lisa said...

Having experienced the ups and downs of marriage, I just want you to know that I understand. Maybe writing this has helped you to put words to feelings?

I hope that in time things will work out for all of you.

David Barber said...

This happenend to my brother some years back. He had two boys when he got divorced. He then met a woman who is a beautiful person who his boys love. My brother and his new wife have a boy and a girl together now and his two sons adore their new brother and sister. What I'm trying to say is it all worked out in the end and they are a much happier family.

All the best and take care, David.

SamuraiFrog said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I was 13 when my parents got divorced, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. It will never stop affecting me, but I've learned to deal with the feelings that were produced at the time and shot all over the place.

I think a big problem I had is that my parents didn't really handle this as maturely as you and your wife are trying to. And I really commend you for that. I hope things get better for you. I know they will. I'm just sorry it will take time.

Randal Graves said...

Best of luck to you, and hope everything goes as smoothly as such stuff can.

Johnny Yen said...

I wondered about this-- reading between the lines on some things you've said. I'm sorry this is happening.

Tengrain said...

Splotchy -

I have not been by in a while (my regrets), and I chose a helluva post to visit you.

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I can tell you that my sister and her ex-husband are better friends now that they were in the last decade of their doomed marriage, with serial infidelities and bastards! And my ex-BIL is still one of my favorite people in the world.

Their kids turned out OK, too, and I think that they understand what went wrong and have achieved some lever of foregiveness. Kids are smarter than adults think.

Best of luck to you. Seriously.



GETkristiLOVE said...

Sorry Splotchy, that's horrible. You must not like writing personal things because it seems like you wrote about this one time and then the post vanished and I wondered if I imagined it. But hang in there... most people find it better to vent in writing but everyone is different. Do what you feel like doing - the blog is for you, not for us, although we do enjoy reading it!