Saturday, August 4, 2007

Reliving The Nightmare Of Fractions

Hey, I like commenting on other people's blogs. If that makes me a schmoozer, I guess I am schmoozer.

I have been bestowed a lovely "Schmooze" award by two esteemed bloggers -- Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein and SamuraiFrog.



Unfortunately, there is a catch.

Apparently the strict, brutally-enforced rules of the Schmooze award specify that only five awards may be given in an Official Schmooze Award Ceremony ™.

In both cases of my schmooziness recognition, I was given a "partial schmooze" award (which is actually illegal in several states, I believe). The good doctor gave me 1/3 of an award (sharing with two other people), while The Frog gave me 1/2 of an award (shared with the incomparable Johnny Yen).

Oh, great. A GODDAMN FRACTION PROBLEM.

1/2 + 1/3 = ?

(1/2 * 3/3) + (1/3 * 2/2) = ?

3/6 + 2/6 = ?

The answer is 5/6.

I am a 5/6 schmoozer.

Seeing that I am not a full-blown schmoozer, I will bestow five awards upon other bloggers, but they will unfortunately be "partial schmooze" awards. I'm sorry. That's all I can do. If I tried to give you a full schmooze award, my life would be forfeit.

1. kristi receives 4/7 of a schmooze award because she has more than once dropped a wittily-punned comment here that just bounced off my dullard skull.

2. It might be tacky to award an award to an awardee that was an awarder that awarded an award to me, but I have to throw 1/19 of a schmooze award to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein, who by his comments here seems to think I am occasionally funny.

3. I have to throw some schmooze love out to Johnny Yen. Unfortunately, I can only give Mr. Yen 1/4 of a schmooze award. Please correct me if I am wrong, but with the 1/2 of an award given to him by SamuraiFrog and this 1/4 award from me, his total schmooze adds up to a 3/4 partial schmooze. If my calculations are correct, this is a mere 1/12 less than my current schmoozosity.

4. Bubs, you totally get 2/0 of a schmooze sailing out your way. I treasure each comment you drop here, but seeing as you already got a complete schmooze award from Doctor Von Monkerstein, I feel like I can give you a fraction that will break a calculator.

5. Lastly, I must give each of the following bloggers 1/423 of a schmooze award:
Manx
Jess
Anandamide
Chris
Frank
J.D.
Tim
Beckeye

To anyone not mentioned above, I HATE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART.

No, seriously, it's really a warm feeling when someone leaves any kind of comment. If you ever have left a comment (and it wasn't an advertisement for an exciting new widget for my blog), have the knowledge you brought a smile to my pustule-covered, hideously-disfigured face.

Love,


Splotchy

10 comments:

J.D. said...

I went to sleep, I woke up, and now I have Thinking Blog Award and 1 1/423 of a Schmooze Award. AWESOME!

GETkristiLOVE said...

Yay! Who says, "if you schmooze, you lose?!"

I was going to leave you just 4/7 of a pun in my comment, but then realized you really wouldn't get that one.

anandamide said...

Tonight I drank 1/423 of a beer in your honor....Thanks Splotchy !!!!

Bubs said...

As soon as I find my calculator I'll comment on your post.

Chris said...

Splotchy, as of today you have 1/423 of my heart. Bless you!

Manx said...

That's 1 to the power of 423, right?.....right?

SamuraiFrog said...

I always knew my affiliation with the Monkerstein campaign would garner the hate of bloggers, but I'm doing it for your own good!

Seriously, though, keep up the good blogging.

*shakes fist* Do iiiiiiit!

timdrussell said...

1/423 of a thank you!

Splotchy said...

j.d., if you want the award I gave you in layman's terms, it was a "smidgen".

kristi, I will ignore the distinct possibility that your "schmooze ... lose" quote was a pun.

anandamide, you're welcome! Remember, don't drink and drive!

bubs, chances are your 'puter has a calculator, but I wouldn't want to cause it to crash. I seem to have a negative effect on your electronics and birdbaths.

chris, I'll put that little piece of heart in a velvet box dusted with powdered dreams!

manx, if I may geek out briefly, 1 to the power of 423 is more commonly represented as 1^423.

sf, you know I love you. I didn't think you would notice your absence from my awards, being buried under a tangle of thinking blogger statuettes.

tim, 1/5 of a your welcome right back at ya!

Bubs said...

Yeah, I coulda been a doctor or rocket scientist or something. Except for that math stuff.