Wow, all the Two Buck Schmuck columns at my fingertips?
Yes. Yes, they are.
January 16th, 2011 - The Social Network
I have no idea what happened in this review. I went batshit crazy.
November 24th, 2009 - Couples Retreat
As soon as I recover from how bad this movie was, I'll think of something amusing to put here.
November 19th, 2009 - Law Abiding Citizen
What did it take me to get me back to the LaGrange? Apparently, a shirtless Gerard Butler.
June 19th, 2009 - Obsessed
Beyoncé punches marital difficulties in the throat.
May 15th, 2009 - Adventureland
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a cinematic adaptation of the Atari 2600 game Adventure.
November 26th, 2008 - Eagle Eye
What's that smell? Oh, it's this movie.
October 28th, 2008 - Righteous Kill
Finally, a dream of mine comes true. DeNiro and Pacino in a shitty movie together!
September 24th, 2008 - Get Smart
Get Stupid is more like it. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!!
June 27, 2008 - Iron Man
Director Jon Favreau evokes my irrational, bitchy wrath by his mere existence.
June 16, 2008 - 88 Minutes
Al Pacino hits another one out of the park. And by out of the park, I mean a foul ball that kills a stray kitten.
April 30, 2008 - The Bank Job
Not to be confused with The Italian Job or The Bank Dick.
April 12, 2008 - Juno
I didn't like this movie. Honest to blog!
March 26, 2008 - National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
The Book Of Secrets, As Seen In A Crappy Movie
February 21, 2008 - The Golden Compass
I'm suffocating from all the whimsy!
January 31, 2008 - The Darjeeling Limited
It's cute, it's precious, it's altogether wretched.
November 21, 2007 - Halloween (2007) with addendum
Look Helen, there's a seven foot tall man wearing a mask and covered in blood, holding a big knife and walking down the street. Do you think we should call someone?
November 13th, 2007 - The Brave One
Jodie Foster's boring as hell and she's not going to take it anymore.
October 28th, 2007 - The Bourne Ultimatum
Most likely, this is the only review of the latest Bourne movie that starts with a magic wall guarded by a geezer and a star falling from the sky.
October 18th, 2007 - Death Sentence
Watch out, Kevin Bacon is gettin' MAD!
October 7th, 2007 - Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The magic of sitting in an uncomfortable seat for 2+ hours.
October 4th, 2007 - The Invasion / Transformers (partial)
A main course of vomiting pod people, followed by a small dessert of CGI robots with attitude.
September 19th, 2007 - Live Free Or Die Hard
Do you think Bruce Willis will save the day? Do we dare to dream?
September 12th, 2007 - 1408
The fear of sharing a hotel room with John Cusack for an hour and a half.
August 28th, 2007 - Ocean's Thirteen
Some superstitious people view the number 13 with dread, which now makes perfect sense to me.
July 24th, 2007 - Hostel: Part II
Life imitates art, as the Schmuck is violently pelted with cherries.
July 17th, 2007 - Spider-Man 3
The Schmuck dons the sweat-soaked red and blue tights.
June 27, 2007 - Fracture
Wake me up for the scene where Ryan Gosling wears a Starved Rock t-shirt.
June 18, 2007 - Wild Hogs
What's funnier than Tim Allen riding a motorcycle? Plenty.
June 13, 2007 - Hot Fuzz
The Schmuck is in luck to see a movie that doesn't suck.
May 31st, 2007 - Shooter
Introductions, declaration of purpose, Mark Wahlberg shooting people in the head.
Al "Bug Eyes" Pacino
Joel "Shitty" Schumacher
Kevin "Makin'" Bacon
BEFORE HE WAS THE SCHMUCK
Reviews at Chicago's Davis Theater