Seven Untrue Facts About Splotchy

Thought I'd break up my labor-intensive, exhausting NOLA posts with a little levity, especially since my next post will be titled "Despair and Hope" (zoiks!).

Herein please find seven completely untrue facts about me.

1. I can spit a watermelon seed with enough force that it shatters glass.
2. I coined the phrase "God don't make no junk" (well, I was part of the phrase's steering committee, at least).
3. My real name is Ted Lange, and I played Isaac the bartender on TV's Love Boat.
4. I have faithfully visited a tanning salon for daily one hour treatments since I was fifteen. After getting cancer of the hair in the late 90's, I now wear a swimcap while tanning.
5. I only take right turns in the northern hemisphere. In the southern hemisphere I only take left turns.
6. My real name is Jessica Lange, the award-winning actress.
7. I'm typing this post while naked and covered in fancy mustard.

Okay, I tag the following people to provide seven untrue facts about themselves. Think of it as a belated Christmas present you never asked for and don't want -- a fruitcake meme, if you will.

Here are the lucky victims:
Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein - because I won't rest until he is tagged so much there's nothing left but a greasy spot on the wall.
Johnny Yen - because I want to get to the heart of what really doesn't make him tick.
SamuraiFrog - because I'm wondering what he's not all about.
Bubs - because I personally witnessed him sell my eldest son a variety of malarkey on Christmas Day, and he seemed to have plenty more to share.
FranIAm - because I said so.