iSplotchy Firmware Upgrade Gives More Functionality To Consumers

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello!

To those proud new owners of the iSplotchy, who have made the commitment to joining the technology revolution in earnest, I congratulate you!

To those yet to make the leap, I am proud to announce a recent firmware upgrade that will soon be available on this site, providing ever-expanding functionality to an already spectacular product.

I routinely ping the gadget-savvy community, visit message boards, and scan the Usenet archives for ways I can improve upon this product.

Three requests continually appear in my ongoing investigations:

1. Food

People who love technology also love food. Food is what keeps us going. But a problem arises -- how can we have a home-cooked meal on-the-go?

With the latest firmware upgrade, we have programmed the iSplotchy with nanofrying receptors that can convert solar energy into localized temperatures hot enough to cook food.

The iSplotchy, in direct sun on a cloudless summer day, is hot enough to fry eggs.



2. Games

The loud clamor of gamers echoed through the iSplotchy forums, and now this "Marco" has been effectively "Poloed".

Those getting the new upgrade will find the iSplotchy capable of roughly approximating the experience of many classic arcade games, from Pacman, to Ms. Pacman, to Donkey Kong III (Galaga scheduled for 2012).

iJoysticks and iScreen available separately




3. Romance

Ah, the human condition. We all long for love. For companionship. For MAGIC.

The iSplotchy's core nanotechnology has expanded to fully engage the appetites of the discerning adult.


For his and her "pleasure"


*****

As you can see, there is no time like the present to jump on the iSplotchy train.

Lastly, and I really do apologize for bringing this up -- there have been unfounded criticisms leveled at the iSplotchy, the like of which you can find here.

I will not sit idly by as less-than-scrupulous individuals tarnish the image of this amazing product.

While the iSplotchy is the pinnacle in consumer gadgetry, there will always be people that attempt to "hack" into whatever technology they can get their grubby little hands on.

The situation described in the scurrilous post above is evidence of a failed hack into the iSplotchy. When the iSplotchy senses an attempted hack, it will be "rubbled" useless to prevent the hacker from using the iSplotchy for unsavory purposes.

As it rubbles, it also notifies the manufacturer of the nature of the attempted hack. The report on this particular iSplotchy indicates that its owner, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, attempted to do the following with the product:

1. Gold coin creation
2. Penis enlargement
3. Monkey desmellification

This kind of hackery will not be tolerated. The fact that Dr. Monkerstein is currently running a fruitless candidacy for the 2008 Presidency makes this affront even more serious.

How can you stop this kind of inside-the-beltway shenanigans? Vote for the iSplotchy in 2008.