Thursday, September 25, 2008

Get Smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah

Hmm. When was the last time I... Holy crap! I haven't seen a movie at the LaGrange since late June!

I need to stoke the schmuck fires! What were my choices?

Swing Vote - This is the one where Kevin Costner is a porn star with an enormous penis, right?
Step Brothers - If its "funny" trailer fills me with sadness, I can't imagine what an entire movie's worth of this hijinx would do to me.
The Mummy: Tomb of Dragon Emperor - Nah, I am not feeling it.

Get Smart -- Okay!

As I was making my way to the theater, I realized I was a little tired. That's not a good state to be in to see a cheap movie. One must be fully alert, ready to navigate the shitty narratives of a second-run cinema.

I was welcomed back to the LaGrange into the largest and curviest of theaters, number one. As I sat there in the dim houselights, squinting at the latest Chicago Reader, I realized I was the only one there. A few minutes later I turned my head to see an employee close the theater door. For some unknown reason, I flashed them an "okay" sign.

I got a few trailers as a treat before the movie. One was for the Rainn Wilson vehicle The Rocker, which looked improbably horrible, and loaded with cheap physical gags that are supposed to be funny but never are. Look, he slipped! Look, he slipped again!

I also got the trailer for the newish X-Files movie, which if the trailer is any indication, consists solely of comedian Billy Connolly talking in an agitated, high-pitched voice and compulsively pawing at a snowy, frozen-over lake. GOOD TIMES!

Anyways, as I'm watching the trailers, a few more people straggle in, disrupting my private moviewatching experience. It's not like I was picking my toes or was stripped down to my underwear, but I *had* gotten a little comfortable. Two girls sat down in the same row as me, just across the aisle.

Get Smart begins, and the girls immediately start chuckling. Now I realize I am really tired, and probably more susceptible to being annoyed by small things. Still, if there's the barest hint of a joke, the girls start laughing. While these girls might be wonderful to have in a test market audience, it only took a few more "jokes" and "gags" for your friendly asshole curmudgeon to stand and move several rows forward.

There, that's better. Now I can enjoy this unfunny comedy untroubled by the laughter of happy people.

Phew, I know I was tired and not in top moviewatching form, but this movie was stinky. I had watched the Get Smart TV show in reruns, and didn't have any memories of it. Could it be that this movie was a hacky, unfunny remake of a show that itself was hacky and unfunny? The answer is "Probably yes!"

Anne Hathaway was cute, Alan Arkin was tolerable as the chief, and... that's all I can say about it. I can't give it anymore praise. There was an actor who was the equivalent of Richard Kiel's Jaws character from the James Bond films (they even used him in a scene that was a ripoff of the airplane jump opener from Moonraker), there was Terence Stamp wasted, there was blah blah blah. BLAH.

As each gag and joke limped into view, I thought to myself, I should just walk out and go home. But I stuck it out, because I am a professional, even for shitty comedies.

Oh, shitty comedies. Why do you fill me with such despair?


The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Wow, it's no good? I heard a review of this on the radio from a guy I usually trust and he said it was pretty good. Bah!

Joe said...

"There, that's better. Now I can enjoy this unfunny comedy untroubled by the laughter of happy people."

We should all be so lucky. It's good to see the review feature again!

Comrade Kevin said...

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public, or for crappy movies.

dguzman said...

Thanks for the warning, Splotch. Although I don't think I would've gone to see it anyway, despite my jonesin' for some Anne Hathaway. Guess I'll just rent Devil Wears Prada again.

Splotchy said...

It's weird -- I actually am a little uncomfortable about affecting people's desire to see a movie via these reviews.

Perhaps one should use a more reputable reviewer than I (hello, Rex Reed and Michael Medved!) to gauge whether a movie is worth seeing.

Part of the point of these reviews is me just enjoying being a jerk. I mean everything I say, though. If I don't like a movie, I'll say so, and won't pretend to hate it if I don't.

See it or don't see it, and take whatever I say as schmucky with a sprinkling of wisdom (or stupidity).

Cup said...

Why do folks always sit near you in an empty theater. I went to an afternoon matinee recently, the only person in the theater, and two chicks came in and sat right in front of me. I hope, like me, you did the put-upon/irritated harrumph.

Gifted Typist said...

I've hear this about that movie. I have fond memories of the TV program but I was 8 when I watched it.

Matthew Hubbard said...

I haven't seen this, but I know the feeling about shitty comedies making me feel all empty all side. I went to my second run theater to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and had nearly no will to live for about a week and a half.

Splotchy said...

Beth, I don't think I did a harumph. They were too happy for me to even scowl at them.

Matty Boy, they should set up a shitty comedy hotline that people can call when they have been afflicted with one.