Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bringing Civility To The Democratic Process

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello, citizens, consumers and everyone else!

Steve Jobs here!

As you are well aware, normally I use this forum as a way to reach out to you, the iSplotchy owner, whether it involves the unveiling of exciting new features or giving you the chance of a lifetime to be the proud owner of a piece of Internet history.

I realize the importance of these posts, as the iSplotchy is unanimously loved and cherished by all sentient beings (indeed, what is there not to love?). So, imagine my surprise when the Department Of Defense Against Primates (DODAP) forwarded me this libelous piece of piffle:

iSplotchy attacked by a damned, dirty ape

Who is this "Doctor" Zaius? First of all, in what country can an orangutan with mange be accredited a license to practice medicine? Finland?

"Doctor" Zaius attacks the iSplotchy, accusing it of capitalistic tendencies. Yes, you can buy the prototype. The prototype is not the iSplotchy, my good people, no more than the action figure of Zaius represents himself.

Yes, Zaius has an action figure. And if rumors prove to be true, it is a genital-less action figure.

DODAP has also forwarded me another disturbing development, coincidentally also concerning an alleged simian "doctor".

"Doctor" Von Monkerstein picks yet another running mate to prop up his failing campaign

I was somewhat disheartened by the news regarding this poor excuse for a snake-oil salesman (technically, a Crunky salesman).

"Doctor" Von Monkerstein has sunk his feces-encrusted paws into none other than G. Kristi Love.

Why, do you ask, does this disturb me? For one, G. Kristi Love was one of the early adopters of the iSplotchy (just check out her comment on this post, before it is hastily deleted by the Von Monkerstein campaign).

The past of G. Kristi Love is already being dropped down the memory hole. Witness her in happier times, the iSplotchy by her side.

Sadly, if you visit the site of "Doctor" Von Monkerstein, you'll see the iSplotchy has been erased from this picture, in the same way meaning and purpose have been erased from Love's life.

But, I am not using this forum to criticize the iSplotchy's opponents, despite the fact that they have questionable credentials and intentions. No, the iSplotchy campaign is above such mudslinging.

I am here to request an open exchange of ideas. A place where citizens of this great nation, nay, of this planet, can have a public forum to see the iSplotchy in all its glory, and see these "Doctors" for the charlatans they are.

I call for a debate.



For Beckeye -- a drunk demon driving a dune buggy



For J.D. -- an ocelot covered in blood.



For Manx -- a praying mantis smoking a huge joint.

I don't know if the size is big enough to be considered huge, but I really liked how the mantis' attitude came out.



For Chris -- Jessica Alba in a bikini made of bacon.



For Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein -- desire.



For Bubs -- A ghost in a derby smoking a cigar.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Gimme an I for a D


For Manx -- Splotchy doodling a Splotchy doodling a Splotchy doodling.

Blogger Is Not Daylight Savings Time Compliant!

I am posting this at 8:27pm folks, despite what Blogger might tell you.

7:27pm my ass.

You Asked For It, You Got It

A couple people (perhaps jokingly) asked for a t-shirt of a recent doodle. As I am very susceptible to suggestion, even without the benefit of hypnosis, here's the t-shirt.



Get it here:

Feral Cat Attacks


jin wants a feral cat thong, jin gets a feral cat thong (see her comment on this post, and note the legally binding verbiage she used).

Horror Movie Quotes

I'm not sure if Becca is going to continue her beloved Monday movie quote quiz, but since I have horror movies on the brain as of late, I thought I'd do my own scary movie themed one.

Just put your guesses in the comments. Some might be easy, some might be hard. They all share a common thread in that they just happen to be quotes I like a lot.

As the quotes are correctly answered, I'll add a little blurb about each movie.

It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyways -- using the Mighty Internet to answer the quiz questions is both unfair and unfun.


Two of the movies were not identified. I've highlighted them in red and added their own blurbs.

1. "He was in Luther and Nobody Loves an Albatross and a lot of television plays and commercials." Rosemary's Baby (tenacious s)
This is probably my favorite Roman Polanski film. There are many great quotes from this movie, but I thought I'd go with this one, which Mia Farrow utters many times about her onscreen actor husband Guy Woodhouse -- don't worry Mia, Guy is perfectly capable of promoting his own career. And I always thought John Cassavettes was about integrity and the independent spirit. For shame.

2. "Hey, come on, Barb. Church was this morning. I mean, prayin's for church." Night Of The Living Dead (mob)
"They're coming to get you Barbara!" is the really famous line from this George Romero classic, but I like these lines, that immediately precede it, just as much. She was praying at the grave of a loved one. Man, Barbara's brother was a dick!

3. "That's right... who's laughing now... who's laughing *now*? " Evil Dead II (bubs)
Sometimes this movie seems to have been made primarily to be the horror movie geek's Caddyshack. Almost every line in this movie is enjoyably quotable.

4. "Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly." Psycho (mob)
I don't know how accurate the science of schizophrenia is in Psycho, but it's really nice to hear Norman Bates' mother have an internal monologue in his head about how gentle a creature she considers herself.

5. "I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality." Alien (Tim)
The lines, delivered by the android Ash (played by the great Ian Holm) are almost a tender moment between himself and Ripley, where he finally expresses himself candidly. Well, tender as a talking android's head sitting in fettucine alfredo can be, I guess.

6. "Nobody... nobody trusts anybody now, and we're all very tired... there's nothing more I can do, just wait..." John Carpenter's The Thing (Tim)
This is one of my favorite movies. Kurt Russell's character MacReady is recording a cassette tape, expressing his feelings of resignation and helplessness. He can't trust anyone, so he's talking to a tape recorder. A nice, quiet moment before all hell breaks loose at the end.

7. "They're here already! You're next! You're next!" Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (bubs)
If you asked me to name a 1950's horror movie, I would only be able to name this one, primarily because I'd immediately start hearing Kevin McCarthy yelling these lines in my head.

8. "Where do you come from? The dust. Where do you go to? The grave." Something Wicked This Way Comes (unidentified)
I don't know how popular this movie is. I saw it on cable in my younger years -- it seemed to show quite often, though I don't recall if it was theatrically released. Jonathan Pryce gives a great, spooky performance as Mr. Dark. The lines above are delivered by Jason Robards to Mr. Dark. It's a nice little movie with some genuine scares -- check it out.

9. "I live in a highly excited state of overstimulation." Videodrome (unidentified)
This line was delivered by Debbie Harry. It's a tribute to (or a criticism of?) David Cronenberg that he can take Debbie Harry in all her hotness and still fully creep the viewer out. Long live the new flesh, just keep it away from my pancakes!

10. "The master will kill you for this! But not fast. Slowly! Oh, so slowly!" Fright Night (Cowboy The Cat)
I love this movie. The above quote is from Evil Ed, but there are so many great quotes in this film. This was a movie where I especially delighted in the actors' delivery of their lines, particularly Chris Sarandon as the main vampire.

First-Time Doodle Suggesters Welcome

Hi folks.

If you have already had a doodle idea doodled by yours truly, please sit this one out.

Doodle virgins, give me your ideas!


For Dr Monkey Von Monkerstein -- a monkey on a spaceship.

For some reason, I now have the Smiths song "Girlfriend in a Coma" stuck in my head, but Morrissey is singing:

Monkey on a spaceship
I know, I know
It's serious

Unconnected Tuesdays

Frozen peas

A Buddha statue

Monday, October 29, 2007

For All You Night Owls

A doodle awaits with your idea in it.

First commenter gets a doodle.


For Beckeye -- a frog and poodle, sucking on a noodle.

iSplotchy, The T-Shirt

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello once again!

Steve Jobs here!

Normally you know me in my role of esteemed visionary of this planet that we call Ceres, Demeter, Earth Goddess.

However, a lesser known role (though no less valuable) is my constant striving to imbue common everyday objects with unbridled sexuality.

Laptops, music players, telephones. These are all boring objects that fill the functional bookshelves of our lives. These everyday objects are resistant to econosexualization. It is a herculean effort to find features to make these products appealing -- add a glowing apple here, make a screen adjust horizontally there -- dreadful, boring drudgery.

Yet, once in long while, an object comes pre-sexed, alluring and awe-inspiring, only requiring me to convey to the public in the simplest terms, what the product is and what it can do.

Of course, I speak of the iSplotchy.

And so, I am radiantly proud to announce the inception of a clothing line featuring the iSplotchy.

The iSplotchy at Cafe Press

Now you, the average man and/or woman, can walk the streets, advertising this wonderful product, and your own implicit approval of said product. Not only will the unwashed public see your support of the iSplotchy, but by wearing its apparel the iSplotchy will support you.

The time is now. It is time to advertise the product that is transforming reality for the deserving denizens of this planet. Do you want to be one of the few who is left behind, as the technological rapture sweeps the chosen away, leaving you to sit around and wonder with your boring little lives, "What did I do wrong?"

The time is now. The t-shirts are cotton.

The iSplotchy.

Trees And Signs #2

Tree #2
Click on pic for larger image

Sign #2
Click on pic for larger image

Do You Doodle?

I do.

I'm untalented, but cheap.

Go ahead and give me a doodle picture idear. First commenter with an idear gets that idear doodled.


For Dguzman -- a feral cat attacking GWBush

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Ultimatum, Schmultimatum

I'll admit it right up front. I broke a rule tonight. An unwritten rule that I guess I will write about now. So, only a recently explicitly written rule.

But first, some background before I write out that rule.

I would have been more than happy to settle in with MizSplotchy tonight, for a nice cozy evening of popcorn and Jeepers Creepers.

The recent experience of Freaky Frights On Forest has raised the joy of Halloween in my blood to near toxic levels (also, I believe they had a Jeepers Creepers display on the southwest corner of Forest). I haven't seen Jeepers Creepers before, and no, I didn't know my nemesis Justin Long was in it.

But, alas, MizSplotchy had to study. Since I couldn't watch a scary movie by myself without gettin' the night terrors, I decided to see what was playing at the LaGrange.

Here's what my choices were.

The Bourne Ultimatum
I've seen the other two Bourne movies on TV, and they were kind of [shrug] okay.

No Reservations
Some godforsaken shitty romantic comedy starring Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I wouldn't be so harsh about a movie I haven't seen, but the tagline for it is "Something's Cooking This Summer". See? Shitty.

Rush Hour 3
Haven't seen the first two, and felt like I would be just swimming in confusion. Why is that black guy talking so excitedly? Why is that old Chinese guy trying to do karate?

A fantasy of monumentally magical proportions.

So, hmm. Stardust started earlier, at 8:50pm. I sorta half-assed wanted to see Bourne, but it didn't start until 9:20pm. Agh, that was a little late for me. The only thing I knew about Stardust was from its trailer, with Robert DeNiro sporting a shit-eating grin as he pilots a large, magic flying ship.

I bring up Stardust's entry on the IMDB. Wow, it's got an 8.1 user rating! That ain't shabby. What the hell. I decided to catch the earlier show of Stardust.

So I have sat down for the showing of Stardust. As it starts out, we see there's this really old wall in England, and an eighteen year old boy gets by an old geezer who's guarding a gap in the wall, which is supposedly a gateway to a magic land. And it does indeed turn out to be a magic land. So, the kid goes and has sex with a princess who is enslaved to a witch, and then nine months later back in England said boy has a baby delivered to him, and then eighteen years later that baby is a boy who is in love with this girl, and then a star falls from the sky.

I looked at my watch. 9:12pm. Boy, this movie is kind of cheesy. And I don't like the special effects. Also kind of cheesy. I don't know if I can wait for DeNiro's grinning goofiness. 9:16. The fallen star has turned into Claire Danes.

I get up and exit the theater. I walk into Theater 1 and wait for The Bourne Ultimatum to start.

Mr. Damon? Mr. Damon? Over here!

This is the rule I broke. Stardust might be a perfectly fine movie. Hell, many users on the IMDB who possibly aren't all complete nimrods thought Stardust was fantastic. In the future, I think that if I go to see a movie, I should stay until the end of it. Unless I don't really want to.

Okay, so. The Bourne Ultimatum. Kind of pointless. Lots of unnecessary camera motion to keep you from focusing on the lack of a plot. In the end, Bourne supposedly answers the riddles of his life that he's been struggling for in the last three movies. I still don't see a happy life for him. One day he's going to be waiting in line at the DMV, and somebody will look at him the wrong way and he's going to snap their pinkies off.

I got home and told MizSplotchy I started out watching Stardust, but it didn't feel right watching it. She replied,"Why? Because you aren't a big vagina?" Oh, MizSplotchy!




For Manx -- the iSplotchy at a roller derby match. As you might be able to tell from the picture, the iSplotchy takes no prisoners.

These Things Won't Be Around Much Longer, Folks

If you live in the Chicago area and you haven't been to the following attractions, their last days are both on October 31st.

You will kick yourself if you miss either of them. If you miss them and you don't kick yourself, don't worry, I'll make sure someone kicks you.

Niki In The Garden
A celebration of the work of sculptor Niki de Saint Phalle, at the marvelous Garfield Park Conservatory.

The Garfield Park Conservatory is steps from a stop on the Green Line. If you want to drive, there's free parking. To walk through the lovely greenhouses and an amazing new grassy space out behind the greenhouses, all of them having wonderful sculptures, a $5.00 donation is requested.

One of the highlights of the exhibit was "La Cabeza", which you could actually walk inside.

Freaky Frights On Forest
A two-block stretch in the western suburb of North Riverside -- motion-activated, eerily-lit fog-enshrouded, spooky music enchanted, gross and fantastical Halloween wonderment.

I took these pictures with my digital camera. I didn't want to despook the surroundings with a flash, so I just tried my best at holding the camera still. Some pictures came out a little too blurry, but some also came out kind of cool as a result.

This is the second year I've gone to Freaky Frights. There was a lot of new stuff this year, but this spooky glowing puppet inside a little house was once again my favorite.

Woo, I got the moon in there! It was almost full.

Dracula was actually under a strobe light, which probably contributed to this strange effect.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Saturday Morning Doodle

Hi, I'll be out and about for a large part of the day, but I'd be happy do doodle something for you when I return.

But what?


For the lovely Freida Bee, ennui.

Friday, October 26, 2007

iSplotchy For Sale

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hi all!

Steve Jobs here!

I have been privy to a truly amazing and awe-inspiring development, which I am delighted to share with you, the iSplotchy-adoring public.

The prototype for the iSplotchy, the objet d'art which laid the groundwork for the most wonderful technological innovation hitherto unseen by the unwashed masses, is available for purchase!

How appropriate that it was the Internet where the iSplotchy first made its large, thundering splash, and it is again the Internet where normal people (like you!) have a chance to claw for a piece of history.

Please be aware that this is an item without the features of the iSplotchy you may be familiar with. To the casual observer, it may appear as nothing more than a piece of concrete with a pipe in it.

Yes, to the casual observer -- but not you! You are cultured and have traveled the world. I need not sell you on the merits of owning this unique and powerful treasure.

Bah! Enough talking! Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the iSplotchy prototype!

You Know What I Feel Like Doing? Doodling.

But what am I going to doodle?


Apparently, I am going to draw the following, as requested by J.D.'s mother. A mouse holding an elephant on one leg, on the wing of an airplane.

Presenting The Battle Of The Sexes Mix!

Volume 10 of the Green Monkey Music Project is completed and available for download!

Special thanks to supermixologist Beth, who came through like the hero she is, and provided a large number of the songs for the mix!

If the participants of this mix want to discuss their own selections, please feel free to do so! I'll put a pointer on this post if you end up posting about it on your own blog (or you could always just add comments here, I suppose).


Rules and Theme Details

The Participants Discuss Their Selections:
Allen L.!

The Songs:

01 - Darlene - Led Zeppelin [beckeye]
02 - Vicky Verky - Squeeze [beckeye]
03 - Blue Jean - David Bowie [beckeye]
04 - Hey Julie - Fountains of Wayne [beckeye]
05 - Always Claire - Knockout Drops [beckeye]
06 - Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles [distributorcap]
07 - Chelsea Morning - Joni Mitchell [distributorcap]
08 - Walk Away Renee - The Four Tops [distributorcap]
09 - Sad Lisa - Cat Stevens [distributorcap]
10 - Suite Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby Stills & Nash [distributorcap]
11 - Jenny (867-5309) - Tommy Tutone [flanneryalden]
12 - Maggie Mae - Rod Stewart [flanneryalden]
13 - Candy's Room - Bruce Springsteen [flanneryalden]
14 - Donna - Ritchie Valens [flanneryalden]
15 - Sarah Smiles - Hall & Oates [flanneryalden]
16 - Mustang Sally - The Commitments [moxie]
17 - Pandora's Box - Aerosmith [moxie]
18 - Meet Virginia - Train [moxie]
19 - Jolene - Dolly Parton [moxie]
20 - Amanda - Boston [moxie]
21 - Valerie Loves Me - Material Issue [lulu]
22 - Sweet Jane - Cowboy Junkies [lulu]
23 - Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes) - Edison Lighthouse [lulu]
24 - Cecilia Ann - Pixies [lulu]
25 - Jamie's Crying - Van Halen [lulu]

26 - Charlemagne - John Cale [splotchy]
27 - Billy Two - The Clean [splotchy]
28 - Captain Lou - NRBQ [splotchy]
29 - Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing - The Minutemen [splotchy]
30 - Adam Green - Momus [splotchy]
31 - Paul Stanley - Hellacopters [allenl]
32 - St. Jimmie the Prankster - Dean Gray (Green Day Mashup) [allenl]
33 - Jonathan - Nerf Herder [allenl]
34 - Vincent - Don Maclean [allenl]
35 - Pablo Picasso Visitos Los Planetos de los Simios - Adam and the Ants [allenl]
36 - Can't Con an Honest John - The Streets [barbara]
37 - Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner - Warren Zevon [barbara]
38 - Donald in the Bushes with a Bag of Glue - Ballboy [barbara]
39 - William, It Was Really Nothing - the Smiths [barbara]
40 - Our Retired Explorer (Dines With Michel Foucault in Paris, 1961) - the Weakerthans [barbara]
41 - Danny Boy - Hayley Westenra [j.d.]
42 - A Boozehound Named Barney - Maggie Roswell (as Sherry Bobbins) [j.d.]
43 - Alfie - Lily Allen [j.d.]
44 - Samson - Regina Spektor [j.d.]
45 - Hey Jude - Joe Anderson [j.d.]
46 - Stagger Lee - Nick Cave [bubs]
47 - Peter Gunn - Henry Mancini [bubs]
48 - Making Plans For Nigel - Nouvelle Vague [bubs]
49 - Jimmy Jazz - The Clash [bubs]
50 - A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash [bubs]
48 - Making Plans For Nigel - Nouvelle Vague [bubs]
49 - Jimmy Jazz - The Clash [bubs]
50 - A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash [bubs]

With the end of the Green Monkey Music Project, I know it's more of a formality, but I would still like to congratulate the following people on attaining masterhood with this mix.


Wear your Green Monkey Master Badge with pride!

Thanks also to Volume 10's guest host, Beckeye!

For All You Stats Junkies

J.D. asked in a comment what the most frequent artist across the monkey mixes was.

It turned out to be a 3-way tie. Here they are.

Pixies - 5 songs
Velouria (ABC) [tim]
Planet of Sound (Speed It Up) [tim]
Holiday Song (Total Absorption) [barbara]
Cecilia Ann (Battle Of The Sexes) [lulu]
Debaser (Snotty) [bigshoulders]

Radiohead - 5 songs
Go To Sleep (ABC) [barbara]
A Reminder (Speed It Up) [tim]
Pyramid Song (Speed It Up) [tenaciouss]
Let Down (Total Absorption) [barbara]
Optimistic (What's In A Word?) [splotchy]

The Clash - 5 songs
Jimmy Jazz (Battle Of The Sexes) [bubs]
London Calling (Geography Pop Quiz) [gizmorox]
Guns of Brixton (Snotty) [bigshoulders]
Brand New Cadillac (Speed It Up) [johnnyyen]
Clampdown (What's In A Word?) [beth]

If any of you stats junkies want to run any other kinds of numbers, I've created a comma-delimited file (CSV) for you. It's very easy to convert to a spreadsheet format (MS Excel, for example).

Knock yerself out, and let me know of any interesting findings.

GMMP Songs Data

Doodle In The Afternoon

Is the world ready for another Splotchy doodle masterpiece?

Well, it ain't going to happen without a doodle picture idea.


I hope you are you quite happy, Manx. Here is my freehand attempt at a gravity well.

I Am Legally Required To Include This Trailer

I would be remiss if I did not include this trailer for my Halloween lead-up Friday horror movie celebration.

And how 'bout that frame selected by Youtube for the thumbnail? Pretty wicked, eh?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

Good Night, Doodle

Okay, I've been spending entirely too much time assembling the last volume of the Monkey Mix.

Time for bed.

When I wake up, perhaps someone will have left a comment with a doodle picture idea for me.


My condolences to Cat for working late into the night, but this time there *is* a positive side. Here is your zombie space cowboy.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Splotchy's Contribution To Battle Of The Sexes

Here's a discussion of my selections for the Battle Of The Sexes mix, Volume 10 of the Green Monkey Music Project.

In the initial round of the Green Monkey Music Project I did with some folks from work, one of the guys chose "Girls, Girls, Girls" as a theme (all songs had to have a female name), so I knew for this mix I would be opting to choose songs of the male persuasion.

I thought it would be difficult, but as I searched for songs I realized there was a helluva lot of dude name songs I liked as well.

Charlemagne - John Cale
From Vintage Violence, John Cale's first solo album. Sure, the title and cover of this album may be a little unsettling, but it's quite the lovely slice o' pop. This song is really wonderful, though I could just as easily have included "Gideon's Bible" from the same record. Check it out.

Billy Two - The Clean
This is just a straight-ahead, no-nonsense two minute pop song. I saw Yo La Tengo play this at the Metro in Chicago. Their guest guitarist touring with them sang the song, who just happened to be David Kilgour of The Clean. From the Anthology compilation.

Captain Lou - NRBQ
I never really knew a lot about NRBQ, despite their beloved status among many musicians and music-lovers. I actually saw them open up for R.E.M. on the Green tour, in the unfriendly confines of the Assembly Hall in Urbana, Illinois. I really didn't dig them too much, but conditions were pretty much as bad as they could be for me to appreciate their music. I recently heard this song on Yo La Tengo's very enjoyable half-assed covers compilation Yo La Tengo Is Murdering The Classics. I liked the song so much I sought out the original, which I liked even more. Hey, it's got Captain Lou Albano. How cool is that? From Lou and the Q.

Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing - The Minutemen
A great song off a great album - Double Nickels On The Dime. Has some really choice lines, my favorite being "So dig this big crux". This song clocks in under two minutes. It shows what a rockin' song is all about, in my humble opinion. Pure, pure stuff.

Adam Green - Momus
This song was one of my entries in a lyrics quiz, but no one ever got it. Off the interesting album Stars Forever, where for US $1000 you could have Momus write a song about you. Supposedly, the songs-for-pay on Stars Forever was concocted to enable Momus to recoup his legal costs incurred by being sued for a song on his previous album, The Little Red Songbook. Songbook contained a song "Walter Carlos", about the famous Switched-On Bach virtuoso now known as Wendy. Wendy no like the song. Wendy sue Momus. I can assure you that the song wasn't that offensive. Harvey Keitel got much worse treatment on the same album. Anyways, I was hesitant to include this song because it has a couple offensive lines, too. But hell, if this is my last Monkey Mix, screw it, right?

Thanks to Beckeye for hosting this time around.

Ah, What The Hell, Another Doodle

Alright, gimme another doodle idea.

I'm ready.


Per Dguzman, Crazy Eyes at martini time.