Monday, June 30, 2008

Hey, Hey, We Reached A Benchmark

I just noticed that we cracked a 1,000 hits on the GO AWAY Bush Hit Counter!

Maybe before he leaves office we'll pass up the number of US military deaths incurred during the Iraqi War!

Maybe then we'll pass up the number of Iraqis killed during the Iraqi War!

Maybe then we'll pass up the number of dollars spent on the Iraqi War!

Maybe somehow all the pain and misery shat upon this world by the current administration will be magically wiped clean by incrementing the hit counter!

That would be nice.

The Fruit Of My Searching-For-Heckling-Videos Labor

For some reason, I spent some time last night searching the YouTubes for comedians being heckled.

I doubt if I would be able to stand up in front of people telling jokes. Add a heckler to the crowd and I would be reduced to a pile of weeping goo.

I'm interested in how different comedians respond to hecklers, who are for the most part producers of noise cancer.

I found a handful of nifty videos, but this one of Richard Herring at the Wam Bam Club deboning a heckler (in a very friendly and polite way, I must add) was absolutely wonderful:

Richard Herring at the Wam Bam Club

What Does It Mean? What Can You Do About It?

Tomorrow morning I leave for NJ/NY.

I hope to have a fun trip.

I'll be lunching with Distributorcap in Manhattan. I'm meeting up with another person for dinner in Hoboken.

I'll be seeing the Feelies tomorrow night at Maxwell's.

Other than that, I haven't thought too much about the what the heck I'm going to be doing there during my two-day trip.

If anyone wants to suggest anything, please feel free. I won't have a car, and am probably going to spend the majority of my little trip in NYC.

If you don't have any recommendations, you can still visit and vote on my latest WICH post - coincidentally, it features the Feelies!

Couplet #29

They were last to arrive at the Homecoming Dance
In glittery shirts and spectacular pants

Sunday, June 29, 2008

DPK On Record

In his interview with the Drunken Severed Head, David Patrick Kelly had mentioned his intent to collect some of his musical recordings for a future release.

Well, the future is now!

Rip Van Boy Man is currently available for purchase as a CD or MP3 download at CD Baby.

He's got a really nice voice.

Samples are available for your listening pleasure on the bottom left of the page on CD Baby.

Couplet #28

The blogger tired of writing stuff
People cared, but not enough

Saturday, June 28, 2008

LOL Cat Skeleton

Nicknames For The Hollywood Elite

You've made it! You're a big name in Hollywood! You're respected by both the public and your peers.

Please don't commit the faux pas of calling other Hollywood Illuminati by their names. You have to use their secret nicknames, or suffer the consequences.

Here's a handy nickname guide when you first make the A-List.

01. Robert DeNiro - Bobby
02. James Caan - Jimmy
03. Russell Crowe - Rusty
04. Martin Scorsese - Marty
05. Robert Downey, Jr. - Bob
06. Robert Duvall - Mr. Chippers
07. Al Pacino - T.D. (Top Dog)
08. Madonna - Madge
09. Paul Le Mat - Paul (warning: not a member of the Hollywood elite!)
10. Ben Stiller - Sticky

Couplet #27

Some favor the heart, others the brain
Some like riding on the choo-choo train

Penn and Teller Punch Steve

Steve Harwood has recently updated his delicious Famous People Punching Steve (which I documented previously here).

Mr. Harwood has also been kind enough to provide an email address at his site if you are a celebrity and wish to punch him.

Get going, celebrities!

I... Saw.... IRON MAN!

Hey, it's LaGrange time!

What were my choices?

What Happens In Vegas - Y'know, I'm sure I'm as starstruck as many of my non-celebrity brothers and sisters out there. That being said, if Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz came to my house and offered to put on this show in person in my backyard, I'd be hiding out in the bathroom until they left. They would leave, wouldn't they?

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - I didn't like the original Narnia movie when I watched it on a washed-out bootleg DVD a couple years ago. Also, I am prejudiced against talking lions.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - STILL NO!

Iron Man - Okay!

So, I was feeling a little Paranoid. I felt the Hand of Doom upon me, the War Pigs were on TV, and the night was buzzing like an Electric Funeral. I was wearing sneakers, as everyone knows Fairies Wear Boots.

Agh! Out, Black Sabbath's second album track listing! Trouble this review no more!

Let me start off by saying Iron Man's director Jon Favreau annoys the bejeebus out of me. I haven't seen any of his other movies, but I have seen far too much of Dinner For Five, his questionable series on IFC. I was going to try and find a choice clip on the YouTube of Dinner For Five to assist me in conveying the essence of this show that rubs (actually, scrapes) me the wrong way. But by searching for a clip I was watching Dinner For Five. My eyes burned. They burned! In short, no clip for you.

I don't like Dinner For Five, and I don't need to justify my strong dislike of Dinner For Five to you chuckleheads. Okay, just a little. Dinner For Five is a horrible Hollywood circle jerk (usually taking place, appropriately enough, at a round table) full of pontifications and fuckhead cigar smoking. There are lots of people who have appeared on this show that I respect and/or admire. These people are not the problem, although they may have made the questionable decision to appear on the show. The show is the problem. And Jon Favreau is at Ground Zero of the show. He calls movies "pictures". He smirks. He smokes cigars. He calls movies "pictures" while smoking cigars and smirking. I DON'T CARE IF I AM COMING ACROSS AS UNREASONABLY HATEFUL TOWARDS JON FAVREAU. Fuck that guy (but in a nice, back-handed Hollywood kinda way)!

In Favreau's defense, a friend of mine saw an interview with John Frankenheimer from a couple years ago where Mr. Frankenheimer talked in a very similar manner to Favreau. So, perhaps it's not Favreau himself that I find issue with, but some sort of shitfuck Hollywood filmmaker archetype that grates on me.

Deep breath.

Okay. Iron Man. It wasn't a badly-made movie, so kudos to Mr. Favreau for that.

I got into the theatre early and saw the Hi - I'm - Samuel - Jackson - and - we're - going - to - be - coming - out - with - an - Avengers - movie - in - 2011 little teaser at the end of the earlier showing of the movie, so I didn't need to wade through fifteen minutes of end credits to see it again. I did stick around for the end of the film for the little bit of Black Sabbath, but from what I could discern there was no Ozzy singing! It was just the "I AM IRON MAN" thing followed by the instrumental end of the song. What a gyp.

I did not like this movie. Bob Downey was fine in the lead (I call him "Bob" when I do impressions of Favreau speaking about making the Iron Man "picture" -- yes, Favreau annoys me enough that I mock him by doing ongoing impressions of him with a buddy of mine). I do love me some Jeff Bridges, though he had the unfortunate burden of playing a likable character that illogically morphs quickly into a Snidely Whiplash kinda guy. Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard and Stan Lee were all in this movie. Do you want me to list the stuntmen, too?

I dunno about the movie. It's just, man this movie was so militaristic. That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone, I guess, given the trailer with Iron Man shooting rockets, etc. But still, the whole movie felt like weapons porn. The only solution to violence is making something that is more efficiently violent. The bodycount surprised me. The destruction surprised me. Some of the antagonists were centered in Afghanistan. Hey, don't *we* have ongoing military operations in Afghanistan? I don't know, the whole movie felt kind of shitty. I didn't like it.

I never really liked Iron Man in the comics, but I had nevertheless wanted to see the film. I was into the Marvel comics as a boy, and definitely had a fair amount of Iron Man issues that I had read. The villains were often boring, and an indirect expression of American xenophobia or paranoia. There was the Mandarin (China), and Titanium Man and the Crimson Dynamo (Russkies!). The only Iron Man issue I remember wholeheartedly liking was when he went back in time somehow with Doctor Doom. Do I need to remind you of the huge pile of shit Doctor Doom was turned into in a previous Marvel comics film adaptation? I certainly I hope I don't.

What is Tony Stark? Tony Stark is Bruce Wayne without the craziness. What is Iron Man? Iron Man is Batman without the theatrics.

What is The Dark Knight? The Dark Knight is the summer movie that will shove a rocket down Iron Man's tin pantalones. ka-BOOM!

Friday, June 27, 2008

A Reminder To David Patrick Kelly

Hi, this message is for my adopted actor, David Patrick Kelly. As mentioned previously, I have an extra ticket for the Feelies' July 1st show at the Hoboken, NJ bar Maxwell's.

If you're interested in using the extra ticket, send me an email on the address listed on my profile.

Whether I hear from you or not, I'm planning on leaving the ticket for you at Maxwell's, but if you don't show up by 10pm (the show is supposed to start at 9pm), I'll probably just go outside and hand the ticket to the first Feelies fan that will take it (I would want someone to get some use out of it).

I hope to see you there. If you can't make it, you will have missed what I'm sure will be a great show.

Peace out!


I Haven't Been Posting Lately

I haven't been posting lately.

Couplet #26

The break room had an inspirational poster
A slow-leaking faucet and a brand new toaster

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Couplet #25

Water! Water! Elixir of life!
66.7% of my wife!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Couplet #24

Old Man Rock is such a bore
Selling junk at the gravel store

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Can't Relax When There's Things To Do

7 days until the Feelies show at Maxwell's!

Couplet #23

We stand around getting farmer's tans
Drinking beer and shooting cans

Unconnected Tuesdays



Four Kinds Of Crazy

Okay, it's official. I am going to write a song called "Crazy". It's physically impossible to write a bad song with that title.

Patsy Cline - Crazy

R.E.M. (covering Pylon) - Crazy

Seal - Crazy

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

Monday, June 23, 2008

Ten Things I Would Like To Hear Anton Chigurh Pronounce

01. That's stinkin' thinkin'.
02. How much for the pony ride?
03. I have a booboo on my weewee.
04. I have just learned I am lactose-intolerant.
05. I am looking for the nearest discothèque.
06. What the fudge is going on here?
07. I am going to see Star Wars for the fifty-seventh time, and I would like you to accompany me.
08. Would you like me to play a song for you on my imaginary banjo?
09. I'm a helpless romantic.
10. Yahtzee!

Ten Things I Would Like To Hear Sean Connery Pronounce

George Carlin Is Dead

I'm happy that his first three heart attacks didn't kill him.

I was actually able to see him do standup in person a couple times.

I'm not qualified to summarize, comment, etc. on his career, his comedy, his astute social observations, etc.

I will say this: no one one told the joke better than he in The Aristocrats.

May his soul soar heavenward, and get stuck on a roof of his own choosing.

Couplet #22

The actor queasy on the boat
Hugs his vintage navy coat

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Couplet #21

The furniture store is where I'll be
Playing with the fake TV's

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Half and Half

We watched Heavy Metal Parking Lot last night. It was short, but sweet.

From now on if someone asks me if I'm f*cked up, I'll know what to say to them.

Delicious Negative Space Signage

Hi, for those who only like the finest in negative space signage, I am happy to announce some really stellar contributions over the next couple weeks from people on three different continents.

Here's but a taste. Click to get the big picture.

Couplet #20

The night is cool, the power's out
The cars drive 'round the roundabout

Friday, June 20, 2008

A Leftover Graphic From An Aborted Political Post

I was going to write a post about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR) and the oil industry's desire to drill there.

The gist of the post was that they and the politicians who speak on their behalf are a bunch of greedy bastards using lies to get what they want. Then I decided not to write the post.

Um, okay, well I'll talk to ya later <cough>.

Couplet #19

Sweaty back, wilting hair
Greasy looks at the county fair

Misheard Lyrics, Vol 6

This isn't so much a misheard lyric as a misremembered one. I sang this for a long time before a friend helpfully pointed out I had the lyrics wrong.

The Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated

Actual Lyrics
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Before I go insane

What I Sing
Hurry, hurry, hurry
Hurry all the time

Thursday, June 19, 2008

An Important Message From Jaap Blonk

Don't forget to visit the world-famous Blonk Organ in downtown Poughkeepsie.

More Immediate Feedback To The State Of Splotchy

Sure, Twitter is fine and all.

Those who want to read my stray thoughts are welcome to "follow me" there or peruse my Twitter block on the right sidebar of this blog.

So, the blogs cover my general musings, and the Twittering covers the gaps between blog posts, but what, my friends, fills the gap between my Twitter tweets?

Well, I'll tell you.

I am currently devising a dynamically-growing database of status codes by which I can inform visitors of this blog of my current state. This database will be available not only for me, but will be shared with the blogging community.

Sure, some social networking sites have dabbled in "Moods", foisting unpleasant emoticons on website visitors.

My system will instead use a terse, four-digit status code which will correspond to a particular physical/emotional/spiritual state.

I encourage other bloggers to suggest new codes and new blogger states. After being vetted by me, you may find your own suggestions incorporated into the definitive Blogger State Repository (BSR)!

The BSR is not fully operational at this time, but I can give you a taste of what is to come.

Here are a few sample codes to describe Blogger State.

PNTS - Wearing pants
NPNT - Not wearing pants
DRNK - Drunk
NBSH - Angry about something George W. Bush did or said
NPOL - Angry about about something else political
HRNY - Experiencing a heightened sense of libido
WKYS - Can't find keys
FRFD - Ate too much fried food
GMNG - Playing videogames
WRKG - Working
LZYB - Too lazy to update my state all the time. C'mon, I have a *life*

The following statuses from Falwless have been approved for use.

CSPT - Constipated.
NJAL - In jail.
INFO - Watching infomercial.
WTGG - Watching The Golden Girls.
LNCH - On Lunch Break.
HGRY - Hungry.
THST - Thirsty.
DEAD - Deceased.
SXPR - Having sex with prostitute.
HFMA - Having fun making BSR Acronyms.

Some more approved additions, from Cowboy the Cat:

SGCC - Thinking about Space Ghost Coast to Coast
CAFD - Caffeinated
NCAF - Needing Caffeination
REKA - Excited about a new discovery

Couplet #18

The corner store sold prayer beads
Votives, charms and pumpkin seeds

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

We Are Came Back!

Today, we finally have a new, garbled English phrase to supplant "All your base are belong to us!".

A Turkish hacker group hosed the popular image hosting site Photobucket yesterday, pointing people's browsers to a server with their own page.

Click for larger image

More on the hackery here.

Couplet #17

Down the alley, surprised to see
A swarm of stenciled honeybees

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Abandoned Chicago Fire Department Building

When we were scouting locations, we found a brick building at the end of a long, overgrown road.

Upon closer inspection we realized it was an old, boarded-up Chicago Fire Department building.

It was kind of weird seeing a building I was more used to in a crowded urban neighborhood, all by its lonesome here.

What's that? You say you want video of the building?

Alright, alright, here it is:

The Lou Reed Ringtones Are Here! The Lou Reed Ringtones Are Here!

It Looks Like It's Going To Be 37th and Loomis At This Point

Today, I went location scouting on the south side of Chicago again. I found a few areas of note, but nothing as good as what I found at 37th and Loomis.

I revisited this location again and think it will work for what I need it for. It's got a lot of interesting things -- overgrown weeds, trucks done up with some graffiti, boarded-up buildings, an old brick street. I think it is going to work.

Here's a few more pictures of the location, from today's excursion.

Urine Luck

Seen at the supermarket near my work:

An interesting coincidence: I also call the pee in my bladder Life Water.

Unconnected Tuesdays

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Pachinko Parlor

Couplet #16

The vascular surgeon had mastered the arts
Of fixing veins and breaking hearts

88 Dog Minutes

A person such as myself is always looking for the Citizen Kane of shitty movies. I thought I had a decent chance to hit Rosebud tonight at the LaGrange.

What were my choices?

Forgetting Sarah Mar...

Oh, forget about it. I was here to see one movie, and one movie only.

88 Minutes!

You may or may not know the plot of this film. Al Pacino plays an extremely wealthy, poofy-haired forensic psychiatrist that is constantly badgered on his cellphone, where some voice-modulated knucklehead says he has eighty-eight minutes to live. Pacino's character is also a professor who does not have the common courtesy to set his phone on vibrate during class when he is getting menaced by voice-modulated knuckleheads.

Apparently the knucklehead is not aware that most cellphones usually come prepackaged with some form of timekeeping mechanism, and that's it not necessary to constantly remind Pacino of the time as it elapses.

"You have seventy-six minutes."
"Sixty-four minutes."
"Sixty-six minutes. I'm sorry, I mean fifty-six minutes."

At the start of any cheap movie I subject myself to, I'm usually poised for the first sign that a movie is undeniably bad. This sign came rather early in the film, when an attractive woman, a conquest of Pacino's from the night before, is shown brushing her teeth. Naked. While doing some sort of yoga pose with one of her legs pulled over her head. Hubba hubba?

Now there's good bad and there's bad bad. I'd say 88 Minutes falls squarely in the middle of that range.

I don't mind the premise of the film:

1) Something bad is going to happen to a character played by Al Pacino
2) It will only take 88 minutes of time for that bad thing to happen

When you set up an impending catastrophic event within a limited timeframe, that can immediately create a sense of urgency and excitement for the viewer. For example, the Johnny Depp film Nick Of Time operated within a limited timeframe where Depp's character had to accomplish something or a terrible thing would happen. The running time of the film actually corresponded to the events transpiring in the narrative. Wait, wait. I'm giving a bad example. Nick Of Time was terrible. Did you know that Johnny Depp's character *wasn't* named Nick O'Time? How much cooler would the movie have been if that were the case?

So here's the first problem with this movie. 88 Minutes has a running time of... 108 minutes. I see some dork has posted on the Trivia section of this film on the IMDB that from the time Pacino gets his first threatening phone call, it's eighty-eight minutes until the end of the film, including the end credits. Including the end credits? What the fuck -- you think you can count the end credits? The guy who wrote this horseshit is the same stoner who bugs you to watch The Wizard Of Oz with Dark Side of the Moon in the background. Give him some Cheetos and send him on his way.

This film reminded me of Michael Mann's Heat due to the appearance of some common actors. Amy Brenneman reminded me of her shitty romantic subplot with Robert DeNiro's bankrobber character, and Al Pacino reminded me of the shitty parts of Heat with Al Pacino in it.

There were many, many red herrings, with a multitude of tired characters cycling through implausible motivations and actions. Why again did that motorcycle leather guy appear in Pacino's apartment stairwell, pull a gun, and promptly get shot by the killer who was also in the stairwell for no particular reason? Oh, because it was in the script. I get it now.

Why did the killer blow up Pacino's Porsche before the eighty-eight minutes had elapsed, which could have very well resulted in him dying before he was supposed to? Oh, because it was in the script. And trailers are better with explodey things. I get it now.

I was hoping Al Pacino would get more and more Pacino crazy as the movie progressed, but I was sadly disappointed. The most scenery-chewing thing he did was angrily throw a cellphone. But damn, what a fine cellphone thrower he is.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Snake Instructions

Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota, Buffalo

Hank Snow - I've Been Everywhere

Couplet #15

He did his best to try and reach her
He was a wonderful poet but a terrible teacher

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Couplet #14

High school taunts and empty boasts
Roam the halls like awkward ghosts

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Couplet #13

The gardener often failed to see
The beauty of a common weed

Friday, June 13, 2008

Couplet #12

You stand there praised, celebrated
Your mutterings now vindicated

Another Signage Interview At TSONS

I did another interview with a person in the signage business, and have it up on TSONS.

I have realized that I really, really enjoy interviewing people.

A Tested Strategy In A Heated Argument

Here's a little something you can use in the midst of a heated argument:

"What are you, fucking stupid?"

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Suffer, Puppy, Suffer!

Seen in a sidebar ad for an exciting new dog-slimming pharmaceutical which I won't pimp here.

If I hear so much as a whimper from you I will double your load of bricks!

Hail Is Neat

I'm A Twitter

I signed up for Twitter today (I also added a little Twittery sidebar on the right).

This will be used for dealing with the detritus too insignificant for my blog (yes, my blog is significant).

I'm Feeling A Little Old School REM-ish Today

R.E.M. - Seven Chinese Brothers - Live in Passaic, 06/09/1984

Couplet #11

Her chest tattoo said "No Regrets"
They buried her with cigarettes

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Sooner Or Later

Twenty days until the Feelies show at Maxwell's!

The Feelies - Sooner Or Later

Couplet #10

A bottle of wine, a single rose
An accidentally broken nose

Germans Just Want Bush To Go Away

BERLIN — The young anarchists, middle-aged peace activists and established left-wing politicians here have at least one thing in common: none bothered to keep a six-year tradition alive by organizing a protest against President Bush’s arrival here Tuesday.

President Bush arrived in Germany on Tuesday, where he was greeted by Chancellor Angela Merkel but, oddly, no protesters.

"Bush is not even popular in the role of the enemy anymore," wrote Der Tagesspiegel newspaper.

(NY Times via Think Progress)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

More iSplotchy Campaign Materials For Distribution

Please find enclosed additional materials for distribution for the iSplotchy by Citizens for iSplotchy.


Mailer (flip side):

Couplet #9

The farmer silently plants his corn
Thinking of piglets recently born

Unconnected Tuesdays



Monday, June 9, 2008

A Hand-Me-Down From God Knows Where

Hey, it's time for another one song mix!

Have you heard All Tomorrow's Parties, off the Velvet Underground's first album?

It's a nice song, sung by Nico, kind of hard to describe -- maybe formal and pounding?

Anyways, I flipped when I recently heard a cover of the VU song by the 1980's Athens, GA band The Method Actors.

The Method Actors - All Tomorrow's Parties

I wasn't aware of The Method Actors when they were actively playing. I actually discovered these guys back when I was downloading a lot of music from newsgroups in the late 90's.

I had no idea who they were, but I saw that their double-album Little Figures was available for download. I thought to myself, "Hm. Method Actors. That's kind of a cool name."

Don't underestimate the fun of picking up something just because you like the name of the band, or like the album cover, or whatever. I picked up Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation 'cause I thought, "Hm, that's a nice picture of a candle."

Anyways, The Method Actors are now one of my favorite bands. Unfortunately, I don't have all their music. This weekend, I visited their MySpace page and heard this amazing song.

I don't know, it's just awesome -- awesome and worthy of a one-song mix.

So enjoy it (or don't)!

Yes, We Have Negative Space Signage From Asia

I am proud to announce the introduction of signage from a continent previously absent from TSONS, thanks to the efforts of friend 'o the blog Lulu.

NEXT UP: Antarctica!

Couplet #8

Tiny stars float overhead
Which are living, which are dead?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Deserted Industrial Location On The South Side

So, I took another excursion earlier this evening, this time visiting a neighborhood off Ashland Avenue, near I-55.

I'm still scouting for locations for my upcoming short film.

I liked what I saw tonight. The buildings were a little bigger, things were a little rougher, not as well-kept as some of the other industrial areas I have visited. The neighborhood itself wasn't that rough, at least that's the impression I got.

Here are some pictures.