Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Darjeeling Limited Expectations

A few inches of snow had fallen earlier in the day, and it appeared a few more inches might fall. The streets were all crappy. For some reason, extraordinarily bad weather makes me want to get out of the house. And get out of the house I did!

What were my choices tonight at the LaGrange?

American Gangster - Hmm, Ridley Scott directing a crime movie, starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe... Sounds tempting, but it starts at 9:30pm and has a long running time.

Across The Universe - I am still smarting from seeing Sgt. Pepper's when I was eight years old.

August Rush - What the hell is this? I have never heard of it. Is it a beverage? A low-budget illegal drug? Is this even a movie?

The Darjeeling Limited - Okay, I'll try it out.

Like most sentient beings, I loved Rushmore. Later on I saw Wes Anderson's first movie, Bottle Rocket, and liked it quite a bit too. Rushmore and Bottle Rocket seemed pulled from personal experience. There was lots of hip pop music floating around, slow motion and self-conscious camera moves, but you felt some genuine emotion underpinning it all. And all these stylistic devices in many cases heightened the emotion of the films.

But then his subsequent films, I didn't like so much. I felt a lot of the emotion drain away in Royal Tenenbaums and the Life Aquatic. There were glimmers of it, but mostly it was all subservient to preciousness, at some conscious attempt at having quirky characters that related to each other obliquely. The stylistic devices were still there, but without any feelings for the characters, they rang kind of hollow.

I had read some rather unfavorable reviews of Anderson's most recent film, The Darjeeling Limited, and so went into Theater 4 (the Bob Seger Theater) not looking for much.

Sadly, not much is what I got. The flaws in Anderson's work were only more in evidence. The use of music, slow motion and cute camera moves and framing only foregrounded the absence of passion and conviction. If I want to see a bloodless movie, I'll see the latest Woody Allen stinker, thank you very much.

The death of a small child occurs in the middle of the film, but the characters are insulated from it by slow motion and mannered performances. By the end of the movie, it seems they have already forgotten this supposedly life-changing event.

In these reviews, I try and be snarky, so I can live up to my "Schmuck" moniker. But it's honestly difficult to be snarky with regards to movies like this. I enjoyed this movie probably the least of the movies I have seen thus far at the LaGrange (alright, alright, Fracture was still the worst). Maybe the other movies weren't as competently made as Darjeeling, but at least you felt that there was something other than preciousness motivating the filmmakers.

In the end, this movie was like a finely-crafted state-of-the-art station wagon. Sure, maybe it's put together well, but do you really want to drive it? *

* No, you don't.

A Blog Is Born

Holy frijoles!

The kind folks at Blogger have singled out my sister blog Who's In Charge Here? as a Blog of Note!

I feel like I, Splotchy is James Mason and WICH is Judy Garland. As I take that final walk into the ocean, I salute the accomplishment of WICH. Now where's me alkyhol?

P.S. Thanks to jin who gave me the 411 on this.

Alright, I Guess I Am Going To Have To Step Up

Hey, it's still January, idn't it?

One last meme for January Is Meme Month. You need to answer it today, because this meme will not function during February Is No Meme Month.

It's all about word fun, because words are fun.

Give me 1 noun, 2 verbs and 3 adjectives you like. You can also provide an optional made-up word.

Here's mine:

1 Noun: potash
2 Verbs: sputter, fizzle
3: Adjectives: dodgy, crunchy, outlandish
4: Made-up word: glorbenacious

I tag:


If I did not tag you specifically, it is only because time is of the essence. You have been tagged mentally by me.

February approaches! You have less than 24 hours to complete this meme and pass it on.

What are you waiting for?!!


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A Friendly Reminder: February Is No Meme Month

Hi all!

Once again, we near the close of the celebration that is January Is Meme Month. If you have a meme you need to start or pass on, be sure and take care of it today or tomorrow.

And remember - February Is No Meme Month.

Thank you,

The Mgmt.

There Will Probably Be Blood

I still haven't seen There Will Be Blood -- I will eventually, I suppose.

Some alternative titles for the movie, from my brain to yours.

1. There Might Be Blood
2. There's Gonna Be Blood
3. Blood, Ahoy!
4. There Was Some Blood There, You Must Have Just Missed It
5. Lots Of The Red Stuff
6. A High Likelihood Of Blood
7. Might There Be Blood?
8. Blood Is An Absolute Certainty
9. If Blood Is Your Thing, I Have Some Good News For You
10. Yes, Blood
11. Bloody Thereness
12. Upton Sinclair's Oil, Which Actually Is Mostly Made Up Of Blood
13. That's Not Marinara Sauce

Movie Quotes 'N Doodles

The three people with the highest number of correct answers on the following movie quotes quiz will get a doodle. All that you need to provide is the movie title, but you're welcome to add your own two cents about the quote/movie.

Please refrain from using search engines.

Oh forget it. You people had your chance. Unanswered questions now have the answers.

I'd like all the questions to be answered, if possible. Here are some hints regarding the unanswered questions.

#9 is "I'm Paul." (menacingly)
Okay here's another quote from the same movie:
Frank... is a very sick and dangerous man.

#10 - Think B&W. Think war. Think Meeker.
Another quote from the same movie:
If those little sweethearts won't face German bullets, they'll face French ones!

#13 - The character Jerry being addressed in the quote is played by an actor named Jerry.
Another quote:
Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.

#17 - Mitchum pumpin' gas.
A second hint: rhymes with "Shout Of The Fast"

1) Time Bandits [Rider]
Mom! Dad! It's evil! Don't touch it!

2) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory [kirby]
You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak.

3) Strangers On A Train [SamuraiFrog]
For example, your wife, my father. Criss-cross.

4) Time After Time [SamuraiFrog]
Pomme frites! Fries are pomme frites!

5) The Big Lebowski [McGone]
I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the owner?

6) Spider-Man [Rider]
That's a cute outfit. Did your husband give it to you?

7) Predator [Rider]
What's the matter? CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

8) The Dead Zone [Johnny Yen]
The ice is going to break!

9) Blue Velvet [Never Identified!]
I'm Paul.

10) Paths of Glory [Never Identified!]
See that cockroach? Tomorrow morning, we'll be dead and it'll be alive. It'll have more contact with my wife and child than I will. I'll be nothing, and it'll be alive.

11) Spaceballs [SamuraiFrog]
Ludicrous speed, go!

12) Hot Fuzz [Rider]
Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?

13) The King of Comedy [Never Identified!]
I know, Jerry, that you are as human as the rest of us, if not more so.

14) Life Of Brian [Manx]
Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

15) Duck Soup [Manx]
Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

16) Pet Sematary [Jin]
Has anyone ever buried a person up there?

17) Out of the Past [Never Identified!]
I sell gasoline, I make a small profit. With that I buy groceries. The grocer makes a profit. We call it earning a living. You may have heard of it somewhere.

18) The Birds [McGone]
Why are they doing this? They said when you got here the whole thing started. Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from! I think you're evil. EVIL!

19) Pee Wee's Big Adventure [Rider]
Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

20) Deathtrap [Freida Bee]
What's the point of owning a mace, if you don't use it?

Okay, we had a tie for third, so I guess I'll be doing four doodles.

Rider, SamuraiFrog, Manx and McGone, please give me your doodle suggestions!


For Manx:
The Wal-Mart Smiley Face having intercourse with the McDonald's golden arches.

For Rider:
Bill Gates, as Amazing Larry, watching the smiley face and golden arches engage in oral.

For SamuraiFrog:
Billy Dee Williams lifting a car over his head.

I Got Your Linkback Right Here

This morning, I have been feeling some guilt regarding a meme I participated in.

One of the stipulations of the meme was that I link back to its originator. I didn't do this. In fact, I was a little obnoxious about not doing it.

Since January Is Meme Month, I feel like I really should comply with this request.

Here it is:

Lazy Eye Theatre

Of course, I could have just edited my original meme post and added the linkback there, but then none of you would be aware of what a nice guy I am.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


Daniel Benzali - Scowl

This installment of Celebrity Superheroes was brought to you by the radiant Matty Boy.

Unconnected Tuesdays

A TV antenna

A blackjack table

The Bloomin' Onion

I told myself, before I die, I'm going to write a blog post titled "The Bloomin' Onion".

Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Problem With Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

So I have kids, and I sing a lot, so I sometimes sing kid songs out of the blue.

I have noticed I consistently mess up the the last few lines of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, and for the life of me can't remember the right lyrics when I'm singing.

Here's the correct last few lines:
Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history!

Here's what I sing:
Then all the other reindeer
Who used to laugh and call him names...

Then I'm stuck. I know Rudolph goes down in history, but I don't know how to get there from the reindeer who used to laugh at him.

Seriously, Rudolph is supposed to forget over the course of one song that all those reindeer who made him miserable are now all nice and buddy-buddy with him?

I don't think so. And I'm not going to believe this song has a happy ending. Screw those other reindeer.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Quiz For A Doodle

For people who are constantly frustrated at missing out on my 60 second doodle offers because they weren't the first commenter, you can now be frustrated by a lyrics quiz!

Whoever gets the most correct answers first wins a doodle! It should go without saying that if someone has already guessed the song, it will not be added to your point total (though you can still say you knew it).

I'm looking for song title, artist and optionally whether or not you like the song.

Using search engines is strongly discouraged!

1) Digital Underground - The Humpty Dance [SamuraiFrog]
I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom

2) Belly - Feed The Tree [Evil Evil Genius]
So take your hat off, boy
When you're talking to me

3) Velvet Underground - Femme Fatale [Bubs]
Here she comes
You better watch your step
She's going to play you like a fool

4) Led Zeppelin - The Battle Of Evermore [Bubs]
The tyrant's face is red

5) R.E.M. - Exhuming McCarthy [Bubs]
You're sharpening stones
Walking on coals
To improve your business acumen

6) Reunion - Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me) [Dguzman]
Gotta turn it up louder
So the DJ told me

7) The Smiths - Panic [Evil Evil Genius]
Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ

8) Sonic Youth - Kool Thing [SamuraiFrog]
I'll be your slave
Give you a shave

9) America - Horse With No Name [SamuraiFrog]
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there aint no one for to give you no pain

10) The Jacksons - State of Shock [SamuraiFrog]
You got me on my knees
Please baby please

11) Ween - Don't Laugh, I Love You [Cowboy The Cat]
Ernest Hemingway would always be there for me
But now Ernest Hemingway is dead

12) Cole Porter - Anything Goes [Bubs]
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos

13) Television - Friction [Bubs]
I don't wanna grow up,
There's too much contradiction

14) Blondie - Rip Her To Shreds [SamuraiFrog]
She looks like the Sunday comics
She thinks she's Brenda Starr

15) Lou Reed - Sick Of You [Never Identified!]
And there's nothing to eat
That don't carry the stink
Of some human waste dumped in the Nile

16) C.W. McCall - Convoy [SamuraiFrog]
Well we shot the line an' we went for broke
With a thousand screamin' trucks
And eleven long-haired friends of Jesus
In a chartreuse microbus

17) Hedgehoppers Anonymous - Good News Week [Never Identified!]
Someone's found a way to give
The rotting dead a will to live
Go on and never die

18) Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody [SamuraiFrog]
Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger now hes dead

19) TMBG - Snowball In Hell [Evil Evil Genius]
If it wasn't for disappointment
I wouldn't have any appointments

20) Cream - Anyone For Tennis [Never Identified!]
And the elephants are dancing
On the graves of squealing mice


Bubs got within arm's reach, but SamuraiFrog carried the quiz! Just curious, has anyone heard the song "Good News Week"? I thought it was kinda popular, but I had a mixtape with it a long time ago -- don't know if it's been widely heard. It's a delightful poppy song that mentions rotting dead! How cool is that?!!

But, I digress. A doodle for the winner, SamuraiFrog: Elvis Presley shedding a single tear.

This post turned out all melancholy, didn't it? I didn't predict it, but I respect it.

I kind of like how this all worked out. My next doodle offering will probably center around a movie quote quiz.

See ya next time!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Do Me In Once And I'll Be Sad, Do Me In Twice and I'll Know Better

Continuing my incredibly popular one song mixes, we visit a little noveltyish act of the late 1960's -- The GTO's.

I first heard this song on an album my dad got for me.

I know, the song is somewhat tunelessly sung, and the lyrics are a little silly, but boy howdy, do I just love it to death. Love it.

Enjoy it (or don't)!

The GTO's - Do Me In Once and I'll Be Sad, Do Me In Twice and I'll Know Better (Circular Circulation)

Come Back, McAwesome

Today, I see that my friend McAwesome has changed her status message.

No capital letters, no exclamation points (or punctuation of any kind) -- not even a verb.

How depressing.

Why is my mood so entwined with the status message of this person?

I think I need a cookie.

Gentlemen Take Polaroids

It's sorry that my synth rock Green Monkey Mix never saw the light of day -- this would have been one of my choices.

I can't get this song out of my head, so here it is.

Japan - Gentlemen Take Polaroids

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Amazing Listener

Bill Moyers - The Amazing Listener

Happy Birthday, David Patrick Kelly!

This is what one calls a multipurpose post.

First, I would like to wish my adopted actor David Patrick Kelly a very happy birthday.

Happy Birthday!


Second, we continue to honor the fact that January Is Meme Month. I was tagged by Allen L. to do a My Dinner With Andre kinda meme.

Here is the meme:

1. Pick a single person past or present who works in the film industry you would like to have dinner with. And tell us why you chose this person.

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details.

3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.

4. When all is said and done, select six bloggers to pass this Meme along to.

5. Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre, so people know the mastermind behind this Meme.

And my answers:

1. Well, c'mon, who do you think I am going to pick, on this day of all days? David Patrick Kelly, of course.

2. I don't like setting the table. I don't like cooking. If his IMDB entry is factually correct, Mr. Kelly is a vegetarian, and from what I can gather he probably lives in NYC. He is welcome to pick the place to eat -- it doesn't matter to me, though perhaps it could be on the inexpensive side as I would most likely have to travel from Chicago for this meal. I'll wear what I please, unless there is a dress code that would prohibit me from my standard casually sloppy ensemble.

3. Ahhh, I have actually thought about this already! A few months back, I mailed a letter with some interview questions to what I think was DPK's talent agency, but unfortunately did not receive a response. I didn't want to overwhelm the man, so I just sent him six questions. Here they be:

  • How did you first get into acting?

  • How did your casting of the role of Luther in The Warriors come about?

  • Does it surprise you how iconic your "come out to play" lines have come to be?

  • Did the producers of the recent Warriors videogame approach you about reprising the role of Luther? If so, why did you decline their offer?

  • I see that you have many credits for the theatre (though unfortunately, not in my neck of the woods). Do you have a preference for theatre or film acting? What gives you the most joy, and why?

  • From what I can tell from information gathered from the Internet, it indicates you are a composer and musician. Do you have any music that is commercially available? Do you play music regularly in NYC or other cities? Were you involved in the CBGB scene in the late-70's (Blondie, Talking Heads, Television, etc.), either as a performer or a spectator?

If by the remotest chance in hell DPK actually reads this post, I'd still love to hear your answers. If you'd like to email your answers to me at i DOT splotchy AT gmail DOT com it would be truly wonderful.

4. Nope. I am not linking to six people. That's ridiculous.

5. I would link back to you, but then you pissed me off with the fourth rule. Sorry.


And one more tantalizing tidbit of DPK news:

There is some very exciting news on the DPK front at this humble blog. I have been in touch with Max the Drunken Severed Head, who indicated to me that his interview with DPK was close to being transcribed. He has also told me he will allow me to publish the interview on this very blog!

Thanks, Max!

There Is A Band In My Computer!

So, I have been sitting on my ass and not writing music for my friend NOLA Andy's movie.

I have no excuse. Well, I am kind of hesitant to dive in with technologies. I did some music some months back with Tim, where we were recording on a PC using Ableton, a piece of software that completely baffled me. (Tim did all the recording tech stuff.)

Now that the Splotchy household has a Macbook laptop, I thought I'd check out some software that came with it -- GarageBand. So, I finally got around to fiddling with it (did I mention that I am also a notorious procrastinator?).

It's a lot of fun to play around with stuff in GarageBand, and the application is pretty darned intuitive to use. I was able to use the built-in mic to record several acoustic guitar parts very easily -- I'm sure some audiosnob would scoff at my using the built-in mic, but it didn't sound bad to me. I ran the guitars through some filters, added a drumbeat and some handclaps, and voilĂ ! Instant song!

Here's what I did, if you wanna hear -- it's only a little over two minutes. I recorded the song with the intent of it being used for Andy's soundtrack -- something with a nice beat but which also wouldn't overwhelm any accompanying visuals.

It's in M4A (iTunes) format -- apologies in advance if you're lookin' for an MP3.

Splotchy - Da Da Da Dah Dah

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Cream and Sugar

David Mamet and William H. Macy - Cream and Sugar

My Doodling Energies Are Revitalized

Once again, I have the strength to complete a doodle, for the first commenter with a doodle idea.


For FranIAm -- Obama and Hillary at a ceramics place, painting something together having made up after all this nasty fighting.

I Could Not Imagine This 25 Years Ago

Continuing the celebration of January Is Meme Month, a tag from Bubs:

He modified it a bit from how he received it, and actually made it a little easier for me to answer -- list five things I did not foresee in the future 25 years ago.

So, that's 1983. Here are five things.

  • Playing with computers for a living - When I was goofing around with graphics programs on the Apple II in junior high, it never occurred to me that I could make a living at computers. It turns out you can!

  • Star Trek communicators in the hands of everyday people -- The coolest thing about the original Star Trek series (aside from the velour shirts) was Kirk whipping out his communicator on a strange planet to tell Scotty to beam him up. And now we have cellphones. Goddamn cellphones.

  • Michael Jackson a freak of nature? - In '83, I picked up Michael Jackson's wonderful album Thriller. Sure, on the cover his nose looked a little skinnier than it did on the cover of Off The Wall, but what's a little plastic surgery to a famous entertainer? To each their own!

  • Jim Henson is dead. Keith Richards is alive. - I am still confused and saddened by this.

  • Twins! - I had not dated anyone yet at this point in my life, though I was hopeful someone would eventually find me non-unappealing. And sure, I thought to myself, I might meet-someone-get-married-have-children, that was definitely within the realm of possibility. But twins, that I had not thought of. Hey, that reminds me, it's the twins' fifth birthday today! Happy Birthday, B&E (no, their names are not Breaking and Entering, smartass)!

Oscar Predictions

Who gives a shit?

(I predict I don't)

Unconnected Tuesdays

A boot print

A parking garage

Monday, January 21, 2008

Cute Names For Fruits and Vegetables

01. Tomatees
02. Carriots
03. Greenie Beanies
04. Oh-range-u-tans
05. Apple-dapples
06. Grapelies
07. Tangerinos
08. Punkins
09. Gollyflower
10. Brocchi
11. Pea-Peas
12. Banas
13. Strawbierries
14. Limey-wimeys
15. Abbycado
16. Mushwooms
17. Cabbage (it's cute enough as it is)
18. Radwish
19. Tootabaga
20. Cutesy-corn

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Dr. Sonorous

J.K. Simmons - Dr. Sonorous

Gmail Status Abuse

These days I pretty much use my Gmail account for email more than any of my other accounts laying about.

By default when I log in I am also logged in to Gmail's Chat feature. As a Gmail user you can choose to set a status (Available, Busy). This status will be displayed to other Gmail users if you are in their Contacts and they are also logged into Chat. It's also possible to set a custom message that indicates your status to other Gmail users. And therein lies the problem.

I have a person X who sends me emails on a monthly basis with regards to a program I volunteer for. Consequently, she shows up in my address book.

Here is X's current status message:

I'm announcing here that X is not McAwesome. This isn't to say that X is not a good person worthy of praise. It's just that X is not McAwesome -- no one is McAwesome.


Thank you for your time.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Mr. Bits

Austin Pendleton - Mr. Bits

Friday, January 18, 2008

The One Song Mix


It's been a while since the sudden death of the Green Monkey. I still feel the need to share music, so each Friday I will try to share a song.

The first song is by Gunild Keetman, and it's called "Gassenhauer". It was used to great effect in the Terrence Malick film Badlands.

I think it's a strange, haunting song, but you can judge for yourself.

Gunild Keetman - Gassenhauer

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sorry In Advance

Come and knock on our door.....
We've been waiting for you......
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Arcade Answers (Swords 'N Sorcery)

Answers for the sixth quiz!

You might want to first check out the questions.

Sword 1 - Joust

What more can I say about this game other than "HELL YEAH"?

Sword 2 - Crossbow

Do you remember this game? I remember being really impressed by the graphics and sound effects when it came out. You used a gun to shoot at monsters and such that were menacing some very slow people walking across the screen, whose protection was your responsibility. The gun was actually in the shape of a crossbow. I sucked at it, but appreciated the game's greatness nonetheless.

Sword 3 - Ghosts 'n Goblins

One of the freaking hardest games I have ever played. It's so difficult it's not even fun to play. IT JUST MAKES ME ANGRY.

I purposely took a screenshot of me getting killed to show how hard this game is. That's me as the skeleton after getting touched by a stupid zombie.

Sword 4 - Gauntlet

Warrior is ABOUT to DIE! From what I have read, there is no end to this game, which is a shame. Ah, what does it matter. I suck at it.

Sword 5 - Rastan

I wasn't very good at this game, but I still had fun playing. It might be hard to tell, but that monster dude is throwing juggling pins at me.

Sword 6 - Golden Axe

NOW we're talking! This game was a lot of fun. You could use magic, you could ride on dragons, you fought skeletons -- it was a nice time.

According to Golden Axe's Wikipedia entry, the screams in the game were sampled from the films First Blood and Conan the Barbarian.

Putting the smackdown on a sword-wielding skeleton

Kicking ass with a dragon - the red one that shoots fireballs is the best.

Teaching the game boss Death Adder that you don't mess with Splotchy (at least not when he can hit "Continue" until he wins)

After I put this quiz up, it occurred to me that I hadn't included one of the most popular swords 'n sorcery game -- Dragon's Lair.

I would have updated the quiz to include it, but I don't actually have this game. For some reason, I feel it's necessary that the sound clips and screenshots for these quizzes are actually taken by me as I play the game. So, no Dragon's Lair on the quiz.

Dragon's Lair was actually a laserdisc game where the player had somewhat restricted movement within the game. You had to move or press the button at the right time to continue on with the story, which was actually old-fashioned animation done by Don Bluth.

Even though it wasn't part of the quiz, I'll include a video of it.

Here's the "attract mode" from Dragon's Lair. See if you can spot the subtle objectification of women.

Likes and Dislikes

01. Rocket jet packs
02. Cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, onions and feta cheese in vinaigrette dressing
03. Trees
04. Snow
05. Puppies
06. Sitting by a fire
07. Boobs
08. Long walks
09. Miniature golf
10. Peace

01. Stomach flu
02. Bon Jovi's hair
03. Bon Jovi
04. Golf
05. Smashed fingers
06. High temperatures combined with high humidity
07. Jogging
08. Canned green beans
09. War
10. Richie Sambora


Patton Oswalt - Glimmerhammer

Virus, Virus, Who's Got The Virus

Evil Evil Genius has been infected by the story virus!

He attempts to kill the damn thing once and for all, ties up threads, etc.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

You Know The Drill By Now, Don't You?

First commenter with an idea gets a doodle.


For Comrade Kevin -- Chimpy in the mirror shaving, trying not to cut himself.

Unconnected Tuesdays


A zombie costume

Monday, January 14, 2008

Arcade Quiz (Swords 'N Sorcery)

I'm going to strike while the iron is still hot!

It's time for another arcade sound quiz! This may very well be the last one (but one never knows, I guess).

All of these games share a common theme.

Each game has some degree of medieval swords 'n sorcery flavor. If you knew any geeks in high school that were into Dungeons and Dragons, or you yourself were that geek, there's something for you in each of these games.

I'll give you the year the game came out, along with the sound sample.

May King Arthur himself guide your fair steed! What, too much?

Sword 1 (1982)
One of my all-time favorite games. If I would have waited around a little longer in the sound sample, you would have heard a scary-ass pterodactyl.

Sword 2 (1983)
This wasn't a joystick game -- it was point-and-shoot. I sucked at it. 'Nuff said.

Sword 3 (1985)
Not only did I suck horribly at this game, but everybody else did too. The makers of this game should be kicked in the shins for how hard they made it.

Sword 4 (1985)
This is a fun multiplayer game (up to four people at once!). I'm not sure if it was cool to be the Elf or not. I probably watched other people play the game more than playing it myself.

Sword 5 (1987)
I was really terrible at this game, but it was kind of addictive. For some reason, one of the monsters you had to fight threw juggling pins at you. I still have no idea why.

Sword 6 (1989)
I had a lot of fun playing this game, though its sequel was even more fun. And you haveta love those death screams. Oh, baybee!


Answers posted!

Dubya At The Wailing Wall

The Crimson Destroyer

Julianne Moore - The Crimson Destroyer

Doodle! Doodle! Burning Bright

What commenter could give me an idea to frame thy fearful doodletry?


For Distributorcap -- Lindsay Lohan attempting to land a 747 at Ohare in a snowstorm.

The Blank

Matt LeBlanc - The Blank

One More Thing About The Writers' Strike

I am not an English teacher, but I believe the following to be true:

Writers Strike - Incorrect
Writer's Strike - Incorrect
Writers' Strike - Correct

If any of the above statements are untrue, please feel free to correct me, Poindexter.

The Writers' Strike Is Killing Infotainment

...And I for one would like to thank the writers.

I caught some of the Golden Globes awards "show" last night on NBC. It puts the superfluousness of these awards in perspective when all the winners are announced in a spartan broadcast anchored by Access Hollywood fluffsters Nancy O'Dell and Billy Bush. Apparently, there was a press conference by the Hollywood Foreign Press carried live on other networks that was broadcast in advance of NBC's show. I guess I was getting unnecessarily secondhand information from people I would be leery of asking for driving directions.

No glitz, no celebrities, just the occasional asinine comment from Billy Bush ("Entourage is a boutique show"?). By the way, I am considering using "Billy Bush!" as an interjection. And yes, according to his Wikipedia entry, he is related to Dubya. I feel like I have to tie this post into politics in some manner for all you Bush/Cheney scenesters that read this blog.

I think the only thing the 65th Golden Globes Reading-The-Winners ceremony was missing was the occasional cutaway of a leering Jack Nicholson in dark shades. I'd like to imagine he was at his kitchen table grinning widely at his TV. Oh, Jack, you devil!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Arcade Answers (Mano a Mano)

Answers for the fifth quiz!

Do yourself a favor and don't look at the answers before you sample the questions.

Mano a Mano 1 - Popeye

I wasn't the best at this game, but it was still pretty darned fun. You could eat your spinach and punch the crap out of Bluto, but more satisfying to me was to punch a barrel that would fall on the peabrain's head.

Mano a Mano 2 - Punch-Out!!

One of my all-time favorite games. It had some awesome voice samples and nice gameplay. The second guy, Piston Hurricane, would often kick my ass. Still, a great game.

Mano a Mano 3 - Double Dragon

One of the few games I can say I mastered. And it was all due to this elbow move.

You could pick up the occasional whip or baseball bat to pummel people with, but the elbow was always the sure bet.

Like many games of its type, the purpose of your hunky protagonist was to rescue a ravishing damsel in distress. The opening to this game was a little disturbing, in that not only did the bad guys steal your girl, they first punched her in the gut.

Not nice, bad guys of Double Dragon! Not nice!

Mano a Mano 4 - Bad Dudes Vs. Dragon Ninja

This game is very similar to Double Dragon. It was probably trying to capitalize on the success of the earlier videogame. I don't think it came close to matching Double Dragon's popularity -- probably because it was missing the elbow move and the gut punch to an attractive lady. The game at the Spaceport arcade where I played this would occasionally freeze. I would then go tell the attendant about the problem in order to get reimbursed. He would ask what game had the problem, and I, a reasonably grown man, would have to respond, "Bad dudes."

Mano a Mano 5 - Mortal Kombat

Ah, the first in a long line of fighting games that I have no hope to master. You can do a large variety attacks with combinations of joystick moves and five(!) buttons. I prefer Sub-Zero, 'cause that's how I roll.

Mano a Mano 6 - Karate Champ - Player Vs Player

Another game I sucked at that I still liked to play on occasion. The controls were unusual -- two joysticks and no buttons. You could do different karate moves depending on the directions you pulled the joystick. Some nice sound effects, especially the referee saying "full point" or "half point". I never could figure out how to avoid getting stomped by the bull in the bonus round. Stupid bull.


Carla Gugino - Voluptoraptor

On The 2008 Campaign Trail

During the first trip in what will probably be a series of trips to Colorado in preparation for the February caucus, the candidates take a break at a nearby mall.

Dr. Zaius and Germaine Gregarious sample some delicious, authentic Italian cuisine.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator runs through the remainder of his campaign funds on sophisticated, audiovisual entertainment. Mall employees kindly show him the exit shortly after he spends his last quarter.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein takes advantage of post-Christmas savings to pick up a few items for himself.

Steve Jobs and the iSplotchy visit with fans outside the Apple Store.

The fate of the other presidential candidates is still uncertain at this point in time.

Updates will be provided as more information becomes available.

Special thanks to the campaign photographer of Dr. Zaius, who recorded the majority of events herein.