Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Name That Face!

Round 1 of the contest has been completed!

Final tally below.

You can see what pics I have been using here.


Hi kids, it's Splotchy, with yet another idea to brighten your day.

I have created a new Twitter account called Name That Face! where I will post pictures of various people -- actors, politicians, musicians, etc.

Your goal will be the first to identify the face in the photo. Sometimes there will be bonus points given for additional information.

To play this game, just start following Name That Face on the Twitter (you'll of course have to get a Twitter account).

I'll keep a running tally of everyone's scores, and store it (for now, at least) on this post.

By the way, here is the first picture:

I am giving an extra point if you tell me what movie this still is from.

Remember, don't name the face here. Name it in a reply to my NameThatFace account on the Twitter.


ROUND 1 has ended.

@debenham - 80 points
@johndstearns - 66 points
@ajonathancox - 64 points
@SamuraiFrog - 44 points
@keithwade - 37 points
@Goose - 29 points
@glands - 14 points
@mariecarnes - 13 points
@TimRussell - 12 points
@unsupervised - 9 points
@aenematron - 9 points
@MyNameIsGaron - 8 points
@genegeorge - 7 points
@liezl - 6 points
@JoeTheCop - 6 points
@Nyen_van_Toc - 6 points
@DougBenson - 5 points
@HAMMER32 - 5 points
@1082118 - 5 points
@Xpandurmind247 - 5 points
@stevesaragossi - 5 points
@BrandonMLytle - 4 points
@nathansmart - 3 points
@Caissie - 3 points
@jeffstearns - 3 points
@bakinslow - 3 points
@BunnyKickButt - 3 points
@benwiers - 3 points
@wolfsothern - 3 point
@jim_mee - 2 points
@twitcaps - 2 points
@Johnichi - 2 points
@SnapTheJap - 2 points
@CathyofTO - 2 points
@jeffkeyz - 2 points
@MattackTheDj - 2 points
@angelmartinez12 - 2 points
@saxamaphone1 - 2 points
@eliter - 2 points
@dpressman - 2 points
@Dhppy - 2 points
@tvpam - 2 points
@FamousPoliceDog - 1 point
@glenstar 1 point
@AndeeD - 1 point
@jintastic - 1 point
@ohsnapwnt - 1 point
@tatgirl09 - 1 point
@juntender - 1 point
@jaycee419 - 1 point
@marshandy - 1 point
@david0071978 - 1 point
@rowritermom - 1 point
@stevethegreat - 1 point
@JumptankRT - 1 point

Unconnected Tuesdays



The Setlist To The June 29th Millennium Park Performance Of The Feelies, From The Hands Of Stanley Demeski Himself

I'm too tired to do a recap tonight, so you'll have to wait until tomorrow.

In the mean time, please enjoy this setlist.

Monday, June 29, 2009

A Mitigating Factor

To any of you who may be harboring negative thoughts toward her as a result of my recent post, T__ would like you to know she can make a pretty awesome coleslaw.

(it's true -- we just had it last night, and it was awesome)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Early AM Bike Ride

I got up freakishly early today.

I thought I would head out for a bike ride on the Salt Creek trail and be back before anyone was awake.

I took pictures!

For some reason, I love the fact that this bike trail has street signs.

It was already light when I headed out, but the sun hadn't risen yet. Here's a first peek at it through the trees.

And here it is, a little later. Ladies and gentlemen, the Eye of Sauron!

I saw a huge blue heron at this boggish part of the trail. I stopped my bike abruptly, and scared the damn thing off. So, I took a picture of the bog. You're welcome.

I saw lots of deer, but didn't feel like taking pictures of any of them. Well, there was a picturesque scene of a deer urinating just off the trail next to LaGrange Road that would have made an award-winning photograph, but no, I didn't take a picture of the deer urinating, either.

I *did* however take some pictures of a raccoon eating garbage. My folks got me a nifty camera for Christmas. It has freakish zooming capabilities, which I will show to you now.

This is where the raccoon was. My camera is zoomed out.

Here's the raccoon at 40x.


Electronic Cerebrectomy

In a recent walk to the train, I noticed a flier in a store window, advertising a free screening of The Muppet Movie to be held on June 26th at Ehlert Park in Brookfield .

It had been ages since I had seen it, but I remember loving it. I learned later that T__ had never seen it.

I wanted to do a little family outing with everyone, and T__ was agreeable about it, so we got some snacks and water together and headed over to Ehlert at around sunset.

I took a frisbee and a ball, played a little with the boys. My daughter just sat in a chair, hanging out with her mom.

While we were waiting for the movie to start, I took a couple cheesy, pretentious photos.

When I noticed this aircraft in the sky, it was right next to the moon, and seemed to be headed straight up into space. I honestly thought it might be a rocket. But, it wasn't. Probably a jet. It had a weird reddish cast to it -- not sure if it was really that color, or if was reflecting the color of the setting sun.

Yes, I took a picture of the moon, too. Happy?

The movie finally started around 9pm (the days *are* pretty much at their longest around the solstice). Oh, what a treat.

I genuinely laughed out loud nine or ten times. There were great cameos I had forgotten about, wonderful lines (Fozzie repeatedly saying "Waka waka waka!", Beaker saying "Sadly temporary", pretty much anything Animal said, etc.) Such a great movie.

I'm sure he has mentioned the origin of his blog title before, but I was happily surprised when Mel Brooks spoke of performing a Electronic Cerebrectomy on Kermit.

The movie ended at around 11pm. Two of our kids made it all the way through. Our youngest gave into sleep and some cozy blankets we had brought along.

I know things aren't the best for me or my family right now, but it's nice we can still have moments like this.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Yep, That's A Dick Cloud Alright

Witnessed on my walk from the train yesterday, late afternoon.

(I'm happy to say it did not rain on me)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Some More Movie Titles Improved With The Word Motherfucker

I warned you that I might come back with more movie titles.

And here they are. I spent a little more time trying to get the titles to look right.


Bang The Drum Slowly Motherfucker

Meet Me In St. Louis Motherfucker

It's A Wonderful Life Motherfucker!

You've Got Mail Motherfucker

Pay It Forward Motherfucker

Oedipus Rex Motherfucker

Suspended Under A Twilight Canopy

My beautiful, my beautiful balloon
Suspended under a twilight canopy
We'll search the clouds for a star to guide us
If by some chance you find yourself loving me
We'll find a cloud to hide us
We'll keep the moon beside us
Love is waiting there in my beautiful balloon
Way up in the air in my beautiful balloon
If you'll hold my hand we'll chase your dream across the sky
For we can fly we can fly
Up, up and away

-- The Fifth Dimension - "Up, Up And Away"

My golly, what a cheesy song. I could douse my cheesiest adolescent cassette mix tape with Velveeta, wrap it in Camembert, apply a liberal sprinkling of grated Romano and Parmesan cheese, and it still wouldn't be as cheesy as this song.

If The War Is Over

Well if the war is over
And the monsters have won
If the war is over
I'm gonna have some fun

-- Luna, "Kalamazoo"

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Silver Lining To All This Mess

My hit counter is THROUGH THE ROOF!


P.S. This blog is making me feel a lot better. Thanks, blog.

Yeah, This Song Is A Little Maudlin, But What The Fuck Is Wrong With A Little Maudlin?

There will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me


Well, shit, now I have to include a clip from the wonderful Sammy Maudlin show.

The Detailed Description Of My Recent Marital Woes Has Probably Spoiled My Chances Of Eating Dinner With The Feelies

But I might be feeling a lot better by the time Lollapalooza rolls around, if TV on the Radio wants to get brunch.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on my crappy marriage post. I really was going back and forth about whether to post. It made me feel better. I tell you, writing stuff in general feels good.

I'm taking care of myself, and it's nice to know there are sympathetic ears out there in the Internet swamp.

Gold stars for all of you.

And the Feelies, I realize you're probably in town for a short time, you might have prior plans, you might have family here. I have no expectations of your visit outside enjoying the hell out of your show at Millennium Park.

Still, email me at heyfeeliesareyouhungry@gmail.com if you want to grab a bite to eat. I'll even buy the first round of drinks.

A Unicorn Chaser

As is customary on sites like BoingBoing, following an especially depressing or disturbing post, a unicorn chaser.

It's probably more for me than you, but please enjoy it regardless.

Unconnected Tuesdays


Weeping Willow

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Awesomest Group Since The Legion Of Doom

I don't have high expectations of this snowballing into something cool, but I'll try it anyways.

There are oodles of movie reviewers, professional and otherwise, in print, online, by the water cooler, everywhere.

Still, I really dig my Two Buck Schmuck movie reviews, and haven't really read anything quite like them. I'm attached to a particular second-run movie theater, and in my reviews I often try to give a sense of time and place outside just the movie-watching experience.

I inhabit the strange limbo between first-run moviehouses and DVDs. It's a place I really enjoy.

I sure as hell am not the only person who goes to see cheap movies. And I'm probably not the only who has an opinion about these cheap movies.

So, I am creating a group. It will be international in scope. In fact, I am calling it the International Federation of Second-Run Movie Critics (IFSRMC).

If you want to be a member, let me know. I'd be happy to have you on the team!

A logo for this group is forthcoming.

I Miss You, Curtis Mayfield

I Know Few (If Any) Care About Signage, But This Post Might Be Interesting Enough To Warrant Your Attention

The Night Bazaar Place, a heartwarming anecdote about signage on my sister blog.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


The LaGrange has now resumed normal operating hours, which has made it easier to indulge in my affections for the second-run cinema.

I had some time Friday night, so I decided to hoppity hop hop on over.

What were my choices?

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - Just the words "Matthew McConaughey" are enough to cause painful boils to erupt on my body (yes, boils just erupted on my body after I typed his name). I can't handle a whole movie of that lazy, doe-eyed sack of meat.

I Love You, Man - I'm kind of sick of bromance movies, even if this turns out to be the Citizen Kane of bromance movies (or even The Magnificent Ambersons of bromance movies).

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Hmmmm. Tempting.

Obsessed - Holy shit, get out of my way! I'm going to see Obsessed!

I just knew a little about the movie. Beyoncé is in it and she may or may not get into a catfight with Ali Larter, which was enough for me. It seemed like it might be a nice trashy, sorta dumb movie, the kind that I enjoy on the cheap.

I get to the theatre and see that most of the renovations are complete. Some of the architecture of the original theater is now exposed, which has some nice details, including some paintings I didn't look too closely at. The previously bad amateur art that adorned the walls of Theater 3 is now gone, replaced by tasteful curtains. I arrived kind of late, with previews already in progress, so I cannot tell you whether the music of Bob Seger plays before the lights go down (one can only hope).

The ticketing situation is a little funky. There are a couple registers in the front of the inside of the building, which isn't really conducive to retarded patrons (such as myself) efficiently forming lines. We sort of draped out across the carpeting inside the front doors, hindering both the entrance and exit of dissatisfied/soon-to-be-dissatisfied moviegoers.

The prices had been increased from $3.50 to $5.50. I had known the price increase was coming, but I had forgotten that it was going to be $5.50. I had $2.00 in my wallet and a large jangly pile of quarters in my right pocket. I had enough.

But, it pisses me off. They are fucking with my name. I was Two Buck Schmuck. Then they raised the price to $3.50. Three Buck Fifty Schmuck sounds horrible. Now, Five Buck Schmuck sounds perfectly fine. Hell, even SIX Buck Schmuck sounds nice. But Five Buck Fifty Schmuck? It sounds like a fucking Van Halen album. I DON'T LIKE IT.

They fixed up the concession stand a bit. I was running late so I didn't take any time to peruse it, but I saw that 1) they have nachos now, and 2) they still are using the RC Cola. If you want some reporting on concessions in a future review, please let me know, and give me some money for snacks.

So, Obsessed. It was kind of boring. The mysterious Idris Elba (mysterious because I don't know who he is) plays an absolutely perfect husband. I just looked at his IMDB. Hey, he's Stringer Bell from The Wire! I just started watching that show. Did you know that my TV watching habits have no place in a movie review? It's true!

Anyways, Elba is rich, he's thoughtful, he's faithful, he sends flowers to Beyoncé EVERY FUCKING MONDAY. Annoying, isn't he? We learn that Beyoncé met Elba when she was temping in the office. So, Ali Larter is now a new temp and has she got it bad for Elba.

Elba's best friend at work (of course played by the radiant Jerry O'Connell), upon learning she is a temp, retorts, "yeah, she's a tempTRESS." ZING!!!

So, Ali comes on to Elba several times, she tries to kill herself, blah blah blah. Elba keeps this from Beyoncé, which he shouldn't have done, because it's fucking Beyoncé, right? Nobody puts Beyoncé in the corner.

Anywho, Beyoncé finally finds out about the crazy tempTRESS and kicks Elba out of the house for three months (which really makes no sense unless Beyoncé says it makes sense). They eventually reconcile and then Ali starts fucking with both Beyoncé and Elba, etc.

The thing is, the tempTRESS is never even remotely threatening. She's not scary, she's not anything. Even in the final catfight with Beyoncé (yes, there is one!), Ali spends most of the time just trying to get away.

The movie did an interesting shift once Beyoncé becomes aware of the tempTRESS. Elba, who was heavily featured in the first half of the film, falls further and further into the background.

At the end of the movie, when Beyoncé emerges from the catfight largely unscathed, and Elba runs up to hold her, we freeze frame on Beyoncé in the husband's arms. The funny thing was, we don't even see his full face. The frame literally cuts off the top half of his head (and you can see by the poster above he barely manages to keep his eyes in frame there).

It's all about Beyoncé, folks. It's all about Beyoncé!

Seeing as the prices just got raised, I felt compelled to sneak into the 9:15pm showing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, already in progress. I saw a fair amount of mutanty action, including the stupid Gambit. There was a guy Deadpool, who a comic book nerd told me they completely fucked up in the movie. There was one cool part where he got decapitated while shooting Cyclopsy lasers from his eyes, which entertainingly demolished a tower at Three Mile Island. And Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth was okay.

I skipped out before the end, because Wolverine started getting teary-eyed with a woman who had betrayed him. I don't know if the filmmakers know this, but nobody puts Wolverine in the corner.


Salt Creek Trail Is UNDER ATTACK!

Gary the Sump Pumping Robot continues to do his job at our house. No seepage has occurred as of yet, despite the miserable rain-logged spring (and now summer!) we have been trudging through.

We were forecast to get around 3 inches of rain last Friday, but ended up getting only about a third of an inch.

However, the wind was freaking strong that night. Recent rains have also added up a bit, at least with regards to the Salt Creek trail that I like riding on.

Here is a small report about nature's recent attacks on the trail my bike calls home.

A tree fell over the trail. I could not ride under it -- I had to get off and walk my bike under it. I am not Fonzie.

Another section of the trail is underwater.

I reached this part of the trail at the same time as an elderly woman. She turned around. I said to her (for some reason), "I'm going to try and ride through it." I made it a ways forward and soon found myself sloshing in about ten or eleven inches of water. My footsies got all wet, so I turned around and headed back.

I am not Fonzie.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Blog Is Splotchy, And May Be Interested In The Following Skin Care Products

Saw an unexpected Google ad whilst publishing a post.

I can only imagine what ads some of the freakier-named blogs would have displayed (I'm looking at you Monkey Muck).

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Remembering The Infected v4

This was the weakest story virus thus far. Sure, it hurt some people, but it did nothing compared to the damage done by the previous strains.

Still, let us remember the fallen.

If you have succumbed to the virus, or know someone currently exhibiting symptoms, please let me know and I will update the memorial.

May 19, 2009

May 20, 2009
Randal Graves

May 21, 2009
Dean Wormer

May 23, 2009

May 24, 2009
Unfocused Me
Freida Bee

May 25, 2009
Harriet M. Welsch

May 26, 2009
Jeannie Martini

June 8, 2009
Brian Miller

June 12, 2009
Megan (reinfected!)

June 14, 2009
Annie Ha

June 20, 2009
Chef Cthlulhu

July 15, 2009
Beach Bum

Unconnected Tuesdays


Espresso Machine

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I Don't Want White Teeth, I Don't Want Yellow Teeth, I Don't Want Any Pictures Of Teeth

If You Give A Crap, Blogger Fixed The Whole Comments Thingy

The issue I documented here has been fixed.

If you want to add some limited HTML markup like italics ( <i></i> ) to your comments, the line breaks you previously made by hitting "Enter" will once again be preserved.

No more <br>'s required!

Did I just kill you from the sheer boredom of this post? Maybe you had it coming, huh?


Tim Roth - Umbrage

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ghost-Tweeting For Celebrities Apprehensive Of Twittering

Hi, celebrities. Hey, how's life? Well, if you're not Twittering, we have no idea how life is for you.

What's that? You say you would like to tell us how your life is, but you're afraid to?
  • Are you ashamed of your atrocious grammar and/or spelling?
  • Are you afraid you'll accidentally tell everyone you compulsively urinate behind laundromats?
  • Are you simply not interesting?

Well, I am offering my services to you. I will Ghost-Tweet your life.

I have knocked out over 1,000 updates at isplotchy, my main Twitter account.

Here are a few choice Tweets, to give you some idea of the quality of my Tweeting skills.


Hey, everyone! I'm sweating!

I had a free Danish, and I am wearing ankle socks. Also, pants and two shirts. I'm chewing gum.



I have even recently created a new, exciting Twitter game Name That Face! which has over TWENTY participants!

To begin Ghost-Tweeting for you, all that I need is:

A) Your name
B) Why you are a celebrity (in case I'm not sure who you are)
C) What kind of Tweets you would like me to do on your behalf

All the above are important, but it is crucial that you tell me about your Tweet preferences, because it gives the Ghost-Tweeter (me) insight into the flavor/essence you want to see your Twitter feed imbued with.

Do you want me to promote current and future projects?
Do you want me to go on and on about your stupid fucking dog?
Do you want me to simply retweet the barely coherent ramblings of other celebrities?

Well, I can do all those things and MORE.

Please drop me a line at i PERIOD splotchy AT gmail PERIOD com if you are interested.

Thanks, and God Bless.


Monday, June 8, 2009

Muvico, The Theater Chain For Swingers

So, this weekend MizSplotchy and I went to see the new Sam Raimi movie Drag Me To Hell.

We ended up going up to Rosemont to the Muvico 18 Theater, a palatial looking newish building that is quite visible from I-294.

It was nice to go to a chain that I hadn't been to before. I tend to build up resentment for a given movie chain if I see too many movies at their theaters (hello, Kerasotes!).

The experience was enjoyable enough, minus the fucking obligatory commercials that we moviegoers are forced to endure. The movie itself was a lot of fun, and I'm really glad that we went out to see it.

The thing I liked most about our moviegoing experience was the Muvico logo:

Wow, the anthropomorphized film reel is really giving it to the star, isn't it?


Friday, June 5, 2009

Want Me To Zinc Your Sniffer?

I Have Things To Do But I Am Lazy

I've been lazy, I'll admit. I have my Faux Schneider post to do, I have some more "Motherfucker" movie titles, I have my movie to work on.

I'll admit. I'm lazy.

But I'll doodle something for the first commenter with a doodle idea, okay?


For The Imaginary Reviewer: I'd like to see a doodle of Splotchy being lazy at his desk.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009