Sunday, October 28, 2007

Ultimatum, Schmultimatum

I'll admit it right up front. I broke a rule tonight. An unwritten rule that I guess I will write about now. So, only a recently explicitly written rule.

But first, some background before I write out that rule.

I would have been more than happy to settle in with MizSplotchy tonight, for a nice cozy evening of popcorn and Jeepers Creepers.

The recent experience of Freaky Frights On Forest has raised the joy of Halloween in my blood to near toxic levels (also, I believe they had a Jeepers Creepers display on the southwest corner of Forest). I haven't seen Jeepers Creepers before, and no, I didn't know my nemesis Justin Long was in it.

But, alas, MizSplotchy had to study. Since I couldn't watch a scary movie by myself without gettin' the night terrors, I decided to see what was playing at the LaGrange.

Here's what my choices were.

The Bourne Ultimatum
I've seen the other two Bourne movies on TV, and they were kind of [shrug] okay.

No Reservations
Some godforsaken shitty romantic comedy starring Aaron Eckhart and Catherine Zeta-Jones. I wouldn't be so harsh about a movie I haven't seen, but the tagline for it is "Something's Cooking This Summer". See? Shitty.

Rush Hour 3
Haven't seen the first two, and felt like I would be just swimming in confusion. Why is that black guy talking so excitedly? Why is that old Chinese guy trying to do karate?

Stardust
A fantasy of monumentally magical proportions.

So, hmm. Stardust started earlier, at 8:50pm. I sorta half-assed wanted to see Bourne, but it didn't start until 9:20pm. Agh, that was a little late for me. The only thing I knew about Stardust was from its trailer, with Robert DeNiro sporting a shit-eating grin as he pilots a large, magic flying ship.

I bring up Stardust's entry on the IMDB. Wow, it's got an 8.1 user rating! That ain't shabby. What the hell. I decided to catch the earlier show of Stardust.



So I have sat down for the showing of Stardust. As it starts out, we see there's this really old wall in England, and an eighteen year old boy gets by an old geezer who's guarding a gap in the wall, which is supposedly a gateway to a magic land. And it does indeed turn out to be a magic land. So, the kid goes and has sex with a princess who is enslaved to a witch, and then nine months later back in England said boy has a baby delivered to him, and then eighteen years later that baby is a boy who is in love with this girl, and then a star falls from the sky.

I looked at my watch. 9:12pm. Boy, this movie is kind of cheesy. And I don't like the special effects. Also kind of cheesy. I don't know if I can wait for DeNiro's grinning goofiness. 9:16. The fallen star has turned into Claire Danes.

I get up and exit the theater. I walk into Theater 1 and wait for The Bourne Ultimatum to start.

Mr. Damon? Mr. Damon? Over here!



This is the rule I broke. Stardust might be a perfectly fine movie. Hell, many users on the IMDB who possibly aren't all complete nimrods thought Stardust was fantastic. In the future, I think that if I go to see a movie, I should stay until the end of it. Unless I don't really want to.

Okay, so. The Bourne Ultimatum. Kind of pointless. Lots of unnecessary camera motion to keep you from focusing on the lack of a plot. In the end, Bourne supposedly answers the riddles of his life that he's been struggling for in the last three movies. I still don't see a happy life for him. One day he's going to be waiting in line at the DMV, and somebody will look at him the wrong way and he's going to snap their pinkies off.

I got home and told MizSplotchy I started out watching Stardust, but it didn't feel right watching it. She replied,"Why? Because you aren't a big vagina?" Oh, MizSplotchy!

8 comments:

Bubs said...

That MizSplotchy is something isn't she?

Have you ever read John Waters talk about going to see a kid's movie by himself, and how creepy he felt?

Distributorcap said...

tell mizsplotchy that according to Oprah (and Oprah knows)

its VaJayJay

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

How nice that she was able to make you feel better about this experience. I think more people should walk out of movie theaters and demand their money back if the film sux.

I also think that movie theaters should offer discounted all day passes so that you can just see one movie after another without having to go back out into the sunlight again.

PS - based on the film line up I'm sincerely hoping it was one of those $1 theaters.

Freida Bee said...

Not a big Borne fan. Don't know Stardust. Good to know.

Dale said...

As long as you're still a vadgetarian when it counts!

dguzman said...

No wonder you love her!

I actually kinda dug the Bourne movies, because I love the hyper-fast fight scenes. I imagine myself kicking some ass like Bourne does and it makes me smile.

Cat said...

I really liked Stardust, but it too awhile for me to get into. And I am kind of a nimrod, so it would appeal to me anyway. ;)

The point is, go with your gut! Life is too short to watch bad movies.

Splotchy said...

bubs, I don't recall that piece by Waters, but I would have read it if it was in Crackpot or Shock Value. I think we probably still have your copy of Shock Value at our house.

dc, I hope you're kidding.

lady no lunch, thanks for stopping by! if they had day passes, that would take away the naughtiness of sneaking into a movie. It wasn't a $1 movie -- I paid two bucks (that's why I call this feature two buck schmuck).

freida b, glad to be of service!

dale, I think I have been the victim of a sexual double entendre.

d, I like some parts of the Bourne franchise, but for me the fight scenes are *too* quickly cut. I can't focus on what is happening, and I get frustrated by it.

cat, deep down I know I should have probably given Stardust more of a chance. Maybe when it comes on the teevee I'll try again. It's not that I don't love fantasy type movies -- Time Bandits is one of my favorites.