Sunday, September 16, 2007

Presenting the iSplotchy

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

I am proud to have been given the opportunity, NAY! -- the honor, to present the latest entry in technological devices that will change the landscape of human existence.

The iSplotchy.

A combination of concrete, steel and nanotechnology, the iSplotchy pushes the envelope in its enrichment of the everyday banal existence of the human race.

To answer your first question, yes, of course it plays music.

The iSplotchy's numerous concrete nanoridges are capable of storing over 17 terabytes of information.

Numerous nanoports also allow for features hitherto unseen on technological devices available to the consumer.

So you are thinking, of course I love to have fun, but where can I find a babysitter?

With its 6 GHz tri-core processors, the iSplotchy is perfectly capable of acting as a caretaker for up to 5 children, with ages varying from infant to ten years old (note: iSplotchy does not change diapers).

The iSplotchy represents a cultural revolution in the making. Even before its official release, many websites and humorous memes have sprung up spontaneously to celebrate its inception.

With a "brain" that far surpasses any organic entity on earth, its numerous features which have only begun to be discovered, this post regarding the iSplotchy is not just a product announcement. It is far more than that.

The iSplotchy is running for the office of the President of these United States. America has done far worse. Now is the time for change. Time for the iSplotchy.


SamuraiFrog said...

Where do I get it?!! I have stuff to plug into things!!

Distributorcap said...

but does it core a apple?

(if you watch the honeymooners....)

Cup said...

Where's the line to get the first iSplotchy????

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I must have one. I will worship it as if it was a god.

Fran said...

Finally, I get my piece of the rock.

dguzman said...

I wonder if I can get one on EBay already...

pissed off patricia said...

I think I already have one or something that sorta looks like it. Anyway, I want the new one. Looks like it just might fit into my purse too.

Dr. Zaius said...

Certainly you candidate will have a solid opinion on the many campaign issues, and may even be good at cementing ties between the parties, but upon closer examination of the resin that has been left in the cylindrical core, I fear that this candidate has been used as a bong in it's youth!

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm not going to wait until the price drops $200, I have to have one now!

Some Guy said...

It's got my vote! I think an inanimate object as president would be a step in the right direction. Might I suggest a hot, young Hollywood starlet as a running mate? Someone like Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannsen. You'd get young people out voting in droves!

Fran said...

One more thing... please don't tell me it is only available from AT&T...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

That doesn't seem very mobile, and yet if Steve Jobs says it's cool, I must have one!

Manx said...

I'm going to have to disagree with these yes-men.

iSplotchy sounds like another beltway insider to me. And then there is that antitrust thing too. Heard the EU's got it by the testis. Hard.

Plus, once installed into office, it'll just fill national positions with it's lackeys. Secretary of State, beth. Attorney General, samuraifrog. Secretary of Defense, dr. monkey von monkerstein.

It will be the same old iTune.


Freida Bee said...

I can't wait to attach one of these babies to the side of my joggin' pants for a sweet run. A president on the side of my pants might be able to know the pulse of my constituency.

Splotchy said...

sf, especially since you live in the Chicago area, you might have a definite chance on getting your mitts on one.

dc, I have seen some episodes, but not that one -- looks hilarious from what I read about it.

beth, you'll need to take a road trip to pick one up, unfortunately. It's available only in a limited market.

dr mvm, I would scrap your presidential campaign with talk like that. Or consider replacing your running mate with the iSplotchy.

franiam, and what a rock it is!

dguzman, if you're patient, you will be able to. I AM NOT JOKING.

p'ed off p, just make sure you lift with your legs and not your back.

dr z, those are funny accusations coming from an ape who spends most of his time behind dark sunglasses. What are you hiding, anyway?

kristi, I love you early adopters!

chris, I will definitely consider the horny male vote.

franiam, still in negotiations. We're looking at all our options.

manx, what will it take to stop your attacks? Do you want a cabinet position? Money? A GMMP Master badge?

freidabee, I'll try and put together an iSplotchy Rucksack ™ for your needs.

Manx said...

Whoa, cool your jets there, cool breeze. I was just sassing the iSplotchy a little. Sheesh, I thought it was designed from sterner stuff.

If there's some tungsten in that mass, then you can count my vote in too.

Ed said...

I hear that there is already a deal with Nike, and all the 2008 model BMWs will be iSplotchy-ready. But, will it blend? That is the question.

Splotchy said...

ed, cool!

I wasn't aware of these videos.

Like a true patriot, my iSplotchy does not run, surrender or blend.