Sunday, March 29, 2009

Internet Challenge #9

Find me some awful fan fiction!

The worse, the better.

I'll be judging entries based on a variety of traits, including but not limited to:

Grammar/Spelling mistakes
Narrative logic problems
Inappropriate erotic subtext
Frequent use of sound effects
Purple prose

If you submit a particularly bad entry, you may earn extra IC points.

As with the other challenges, you can't cook up one of your own pieces of fan fiction to submit -- you have to find one already floating in the Internet, stinking up the place.


Flannery Alden scores 2 points for being first, and finding Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy in a moment of tenderness:

Harry Potter Erotica
"No," I edged my lips closer to his and gently kiss them, loving the taste of chocolate it possesses, probably from those chocolate frogs he loves and I felt him responding instinctively. Both of us pull away at the same time.

"I'm sad and miserable because I think...I'm love with you," the words came out in a rush from my mouth. His face contains shock and his stormy grey eyes ask me to repeat what I just said.

"I'm in love with you although I shouldn't be. You're my best friend’s enemy and so you are my enemy too,"

Beckeye serves up a slab of:

American Idol erotica
“Jesus,” David groaned, sinking his fingers deep into his friend's soft black hair.

Michael gripped David’s ass as he fell into a rhythm, in and out, in and out, in and out. Faster and faster. Tighter and tighter. Until David couldn’t think or breathe. He could barely stand. His whole body started to quake under the strain as he tried desperately to hold onto the moment.

“God, Mike, I can’t… God!”

SamuraiFrog dials into an interesting spin on Heroes. I am going to have give him an IC extra point for this entry's ridiculously vile clunkiness (I didn't know clunkiness could be ridiculously vile -- thank you fan fiction!).

Heroes Erotica
Peter felt ashamed and dirty and excited when Nathan talked like that to him, and no matter what had happened between before Haiti and now, he had not forgotten: Nathan never failed to deliver when it came to their forbidden sexual relationship.

And now Nathan was giving him Claire. The last piece of the puzzle to this unattainable incestuous love triangle that Peter had only even dreamed about. He had been in love with Claire since Odessa. His mother, Angela Petrelli, must have dreamed it, must have told Nathan, because he’d never breathed a word of it to anyone. But he was still angry. Nathan shouldn’t have had her first. Nathan didn’t love her the way he did. If anything, she was Nathan’s possession. Just like he had been. Just like you still are, Peter reminded himself.

Peter felt that white hot anger churning in his belly, beneath the ache of his body’s demand for release: the last time he’d had sex was also with Nathan, before Haiti.

Jin gives us a tender Gore V. Bush (the man, not the slang word for vagina) moment
Gore V. Bush
“Whatever. Smarty-pants. You’re supposed to be helping me, here.” George interjected. “Offering bi-partisan support or whatever it is that you liberals do when you’re not chaining yourself to trees and whatnot in protest of stuff.”

“George,” the other man’s voice was so cool, so measured, that it gave the President pause for a moment. “You are this close to getting the remainder of this now-cold latte poured down the front of your shirt.” He smiled a smile that was anything but sweet, and severely lacking in his customary Southern charms. “Make one more ‘tree hugger’ crack. I dare you.” George promptly muttered something under his breath. “What was that, dear? I didn’t catch it.”

“You look real handsome tonight,” was George’s offhanded reply. “That’s all I said.”

“That’s what I thought you said.” Al said, not without triumph.

The two meandered along, ducking a strand of crudely-hung, multicolored lights, and continuing on up between two long rows of tall, full Balsam firs. “This one’s not bad.” Al gestured to one of the tall evergreens. George wrinkled his nose.

Jin, I kind of liked the Scooby Doo and Cthulhu piece -- can't give you a point for that one.


Jenny Jenny Flannery said...

This is a stinker.

BeckEye said...

I couldn't even read the whole thing because there are like 24 chapters. But I'm assuming it's bad. It's like The Poseidon Adventure or Titanic, only with the Season 7 American Idols.

BeckEye said... no no. This one is so much better/worse. It's American Idol "slash" fiction, which is something I never knew existed until recently. Basically, it's a horny woman getting off on the idea of Michael Johns and David Cook having sex.

It was written on a message board, so you'll have to scroll down past all the horny comments on part I to get to part II.

SamuraiFrog said...

That one is just terrifying and pretty much too adult for its own good.

Joe said...

Oh no...oh dear god no...

Jenny Jenny Flannery said...

Actually, mine is between Hermione and Draco...but there's plenty of Harry/Draco "ships" out there.

Splotchy said...

My mistake, Flannery. I guess I still have the fan-created images of Harry and Draco in flagrante delicto seared into my head thanks to a previous blog post by SamuraiFrog.

jin said...

election 08 Bush and Gore fanfiction

Scooby Doo and Cthulhu fanfiction