Friday, May 18, 2007

The Velveteen Cockroach

Take an impending bug invasion, and reading bedtime stories to my kids, and what do you get?

Synergy, baby.


There was once a velveteen cockroach, and he was really splendid. He was brown and blotchy, with long feelers and skinny little legs. On Christmas morning, he sat wedged in the bottom of Boy's stocking. He was a gag gift from Boy's weird uncle.

There were other things in the stocking, nuts and oranges, a toy engine and a velveteen rabbit, but the cockroach was the best of all.

But Boy thought the cockroach was ugly, and dropped him in his toy box. Boy played with Rabbit for two hours. Then Aunts and Uncles came to dinner, and the cockroach and the rabbit were forgotten.

For a long time, the cockroach lived in the toy box. He was naturally shy, and being a cockroach, all the other toys shunned him, especially Rabbit. Even the toy horse, who was usually nice to everyone, wouldn't talk or look at him.

One day, the Rabbit asked the horse, "What is REAL?"

The horse said, "When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

One evening, when the Boy was going to bed, he couldn't find the dog that always slept with him. Nana was in a hurry, and grabbed Rabbit for Boy from the toy box.

"Here," she said. "Take this bunny. You can sleep with him." And she put Rabbit in Boy's arms.

Nana also saw Cockroach. "What a disgusting toy," she thought to herself. She took him and threw him in the trash outside. Nana did not see that Cockroach bounced out of the trash onto the dirty ground.

Boy and Rabbit grew very close. They did everything together. Sometimes they would walk past Cockroach, who was getting dirtier and dirtier, and was very, very sad.

As time went on, and Rabbit was very happy, he didn't notice his fur getting shabbier and shabbier. For the cockroach, who still lay on the dirty ground, sadness gave way to hate.

One day the boy grew very ill. Nana took the rabbit because the doctor said it was full of germs, and threw it in the garbage when Boy was sleeping.

Cockroach looked at Rabbit. In a dirty leg he picked up a tiny shard of glass. Cockroach crept toward Rabbit, who was starting to cry because he missed Boy.

With a quick slash, Cockroach sliced Rabbit from his neck to his tummy.

"Barrgggghhhhhhhh!" said Rabbit. He was dead.

Cockroach grabbed Rabbit's carcass and pulled it over his insect body. As Rabbit's pelt settled onto Cockroach's head and back, a tear dripped from Rabbit's fur on to the dirty ground.

From where the tear fell on the ground, a mysterious flower grew. A blossom opened and a lovely fairy stepped out.

"Do you know who I am, little bunny?" she asked.

Cockroach was quiet.

"I am the toy fairy," she said. "I take care of toys that children have loved. When they are old and worn and the children don't need them any more, I make them Real."

"You were Real to the Boy," the Fairy said, "because he loved you. Now you shall be Real to every one."

She waved her wand, and in a flash, Cockroach was real!

"What the?" the toy fairy said. "Rabbit? Rabbit? Hmm. This usually works." Fairy shrugged her shoulders and disappeared in a shower of sparkles.

Autumn passed and Winter, and in the Spring, when the days grew warm and sunny, boy was in his kitchen.

"Agh!" Nana cried. "A cockroach!"

Boy grabbed a dictionary and smashed the bug into goo.

But he never knew that it really was his own Cockroach, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real.

THE END

Cicada In The Hole!


For those in the Chicago area, look forward to being blessed with many, many bugs in the very near future.





From the Chicago Sun Times:

Those planning weddings or family reunions this spring may want to watch out for May 22.

That's the date, a prominent cicada researcher is estimating, that the little red-eyed bugs will emerge in the Chicago area. Specifically, the evening of May 21 and early morning hours of May 22.

Some may emerge a few days earlier and some stragglers may crawl from the ground a bit later depending on sunshine and shade, but the May day is "the big day,'' said Gene Kritsky, an entomologist and author of several bug books, including Periodical Cicadas: The Plague and the Puzzle.

More here.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Arcade Quiz Answers (He's Got A Gun!)

Answers for the third(!) quiz!

For heaven's sakes, don't look at the answers before you sample the questions.



Gun 1 - Berzerk


One of the first games to use voice synthesis. Definitely the first game to use voice synthesis to say "Chicken! Fight like a robot!"


Gun 2 - Wizard Of Wor


What, you say this game is visually similar to Gorf? Why, how observant of you. It was created by the same company, after all.


Gun 3 - Elevator Action


I know, I know, it don't look like much. But this game is awesome with a capital 'awe'. Take a look at me killing a guy with my ass. Suh-weet!



Gun 4 - Rolling Thunder


A very enjoyable game. Lots of jumping, hopping through stacks of tires, going in and out of doors, and, above all, killing people with your gun.


Gun 5 - Narc


A pretty darned violent game. The bad guys spew blood as you fill them with hot lead. You can also cause a shower of body parts with a shot from your trusty rocket launcher. You can even shoot vicious dogs!

I'm guessing that the background visuals in this game originated from pictures taken in and around the Chicago area, though the game designers played a little fast and loose with the pictures once they were digitized.

Note the background in the picture is the Addison stop of the Red Line. This is the stop right next to Wrigley Field, and, unlike how it is portrayed in the game, is not an underground stop.

Another little thing to note --

see how the Addison sign says "B Station" -- the Red Line used to have "A" and "B" trains and "A" and "B" stops, supposedly to improve the speed of the train service. This was discontinued about a decade ago.


Next (and potentially last) quiz... mano-a-mano!

Screw Punctuation "Rules".

According to The Blue Book of Grammar and Education:

**************************************************************************

Rule 1: Periods and commas always go inside quotation marks, even inside single quotes.

Examples:
The sign changed from "Walk," to "Don't Walk," to "Walk" again within 30 seconds.
She said, "Hurry up."
She said, "He said, 'Hurry up.'"

**************************************************************************

First off, it's nice to see the Blue Book people finally branch out from the used car market.

Secondly, I have been aware of this rule for a long time, but I just can't stomach it in certain circumstances.

He said, "Have a nice day."

Okay, the above sentence makes sense -- I don't mind having the period inside the quote.

The problem, however, was his definition of "nice."

Agh! I hate it! Why is that period in the quote? The quotation marks are acting on the word! Not the sentence! Punctuation, get out of my quotes!

The problem, however, was his definition of "nice".

Ah, my rage is receding.

I'm just announcing here, that I am not abiding by this rule foisted upon us by unaccountable grammarians!

Screw you, "jerks"!

Dynamic IP Addresses and Wikipedia

Had kind of an interesting thing happen to me when I was visiting Wikipedia earlier today.

I actually have an account there (used it once to correct the glaring, horrible error that the Lizard first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #6, *not* #7!).

Despite the fact that I have an account there, when I visit the site I am never logged in.

So, imagine my surprise when I see that there is a message waiting for me.



I click on the message. The message was intended for the IP address I am currently using.



Now, realize that most Internet users don't have "static" IP addresses. Your Internet Service Provider (ISP) usually has a bunch of IP addresses reserved for their use. When you connect to the Internet, your ISP will just assign you an IP address at random. This is often referred to as a "dynamic" IP.

From time to time (I'm not exactly sure what prompts this), your IP address will switch.

Wikipedia allows editing by members of their site, but it also allows edits anonymously. Instead of logging your ID when you edit a page, it logs your IP address.

Apparently the miscreant who last had my dynamic IP address had a little fun with the Lincoln-Way East High School page.



I just want to go on record that I would have spelled it "douchebag" not "doochbag".

In Memoriam

The less you know about this video before you see it, the better.

My reasons for posting will become apparent.

Bad Dream Firing On All Cylinders

I guess if you have a nightmare, you might as well cover all your bases.

Last night was one of those glorious dreams.

1. I was wandering around at college, after having gone back to school to start a new career. But, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing there.
2. A relative of mine got shot and lay on the ground, all bloodied.
3. I tried to help this relative, then realized I had traveled from the future and was in danger of meeting myself, creating a time paradox.

Splotchy Considers An Award


Here are some award ideas I am bandying about, inspired by the Thinking Blogger awards.

"Stinks At Frogger"
"Ball Hogger"
"Testicle Flogger"
"Asshole Jogger"
"Unscrupulous Snogger"
"Window Defogger"
"What's An Augur?"

These awards will be handed out without concern for content, style, or correct spelling/grammar/punctuation.

To receive one of the above awards, I only ask that if you some day meet me in person, that you address me as Sir Thaddeus Wifflestein.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I Sometimes Heart The British English Language

Just a short list of things I adore about the Brits and their language ways.

1. color = colour
2. elevator = lift
3. "Bangers and mash"
4. "Sticky wicket"
5. "Cheers" as an informal greeting


And things I don't like:

1. cookie = biscuit
2. fries = chips
3. "git"
4. "shagging"
5. Any British turn-of-phrase that was popularized by the Austin Powers movies.

Jerry Falwell Died Yesterday



Is that a reason not to listen to Buddy Holly?

No, I didn't think so.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Help Tanya Espanya ID a Song

Just so this doesn't remain buried in a comment, fellow blogger Tanya Espanya needs you.

As of now, no sound sample of Tanya humming or singing has been provided.

Here's the info she does have for you to go on:

What about that "I Love New York" from the 1970s? I can't find it anywhere and it's not that one by some clown Steve Karmen.

Anyone? Just me then?

I love New York...what a great sensation...(Or something like that...I don't know...I was 7.)



I spent some time trying to figure this one out, but (obviously) failed.


Won't you please help?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Arcade Quiz (He's Got A Gun!)


All of these games share a common theme.

They all have protagonists which take care of business the American way, with a gun.

I'll give you the year the game came out, Fellow Travelers Of The Internet.

Gun 1 (1980)
I didn't realize how many chunks of silence there were in this game. This game has some harsh, unfriendly sounds. And that smiley face bouncing towards you? That's the grinning maw of death.


Gun 2 (1981)
This game might be a tough one to identify. You might have even forgotten that this game existed, but when you see it hopefully you'll have an "a-ha" moment. If not, you might want to contemplate what you are using those brain cells for, anyway.


Gun 3 (1983)
Here it is, my all-time favorite game. Full disclosure -- you don't just have a gun at your disposal to eliminate your enemies. You can also kill them by jumping on them with your ass.


Gun 4 (1986)
This is another very fun game, one which I suck at, and wish I was just a wee bit better. It's really fast-paced, and has a lot of energy and excitement. Well, within the world of mid-80's videogames it has a lot of energy and excitement, at least.


Gun 5 (1988)
I was kind of leaving videogames at this point for the magical world of reality, but I did play this a little, mostly because the graphics were kind of advanced for the times. Here's a hint -- two (count 'em, two!) people mention the name of the game in this sound snippet.


Are these quizzes over yet? I thought we were almost finished.

UPDATE: Answers are now available here.

Buddy Holly Did Not Die Today




...nor was Buddy Holly born today.

Is that a reason not to listen to Buddy Holly?

No, I didn't think so.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Deepest Gratitude From My Addled Brain

Oh, man.

Johnny Yen has cured my mystery song woes. I knew 1-3 already, but 4 was given to me by Mister Yen.

Here's song excerpts from all the mystery songs from my last post.

Mystery Song #1
The Rock-A-Teens - Woo Hoo
The 5678's played a cover of this in Kill Bill Vol. 1, but this version is still by far the best.


Mystery Song #2
Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers - Little Bitty Pretty One
This one of my favorite songs from the 50's. Frankie Lymon did a couple other nice songs -- "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?" and another personal favorite of mine, "I'm Not A Juvenile Delinquent".


Mystery Song #3
Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
PEEEYYYYW! PEEEEYYYYW! PEEEEEEEYYWWW!


Mystery Song #4
Clarence "Frogman" Henry - Ain't Got No Home
Ahhh, finally I have a song to replace the fragment in my head. Apparently this song was in the movie Casino, which annoys me, 'cause I own it, and one would think this damn song would have popped out at me. Ah well. Thanks again, Mr. Yen.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Sympathy Ear For The Radio Nurse

I have what I think is kind of a cool idea for a website, but I doubt how much use it would be for people. I know it would sometimes really come in handy for me, at least.

Here's the void it would fill. Have you ever had a piece of a song, a melody in your head, but you didn't know where it was from? It's one thing if you have a scrap of lyrics that you can take to Google. But, what if you don't know any of the lyrics? What if the song doesn't have any lyrics?

There are already some services out there to help you. SongTapper purports to be able to identify a song simply by the rhythm you tap with your keyboard. 411-SONG and Tunatic have you feed them an actual sample of the song, where they will, through some matching algorithm and a giant database of music samples, determine the song you are trying to identify.

I tried SongTapper, but the songs I would have submitted weren't recognized (it got the Itchy and Scratchy theme from the Simpsons right off the bat, though). And, though I realize the benefits of being able to immediately identify a song as you're hearing it, I usually find myself in the situation where I am trying to identify a song I am remembering, rather than a song that I am hearing at the moment. In this kind of situation, I don't have a sound sample of the song to submit to anyone, I just have my own memory and warbly voice.

What I'd like to design and implement is a bulletin-board type website, where people can post sound files of themselves humming, whisting, etc., out a piece of a song, for purposes of having other people on the web help them identify it.

Would this be a useful service? Have you ever had a melody or song in your head and wished there was some way to identify it? Or does this just happen to me?

I actually went so far as to buy a domain name for this idea of mine. I thought I'd call the site "Sympathy Ear For The Radio Nurse", after seeing an Antiques Roadshow that showed the first baby monitor (the invention of which was prompted by the Lindbergh baby kidnapping). That was the name of the product. I am a sucker for the pithy phrase, I guess.

I think it would be quite a bit of work to develop this website, especially with all the ideas and snags that I am envisioning. I was thinking an alternative to this could be that this blog could serve this niche. I could post sound files from myself, and potentially others, for the purpose of soliciting identification.

I'll give you a few sound samples. Pardon my crappy renditions, but these are the kind of sound files I would realistically expect that would be submitted for identification.

I know the answers to 1-3, but only after someone told me after I sang/hummed them the part. I still don't know #4. PLEASE HELP ME IDENTIFY IT. I'll follow up with samples of the real songs for Mystery Songs 1-3 for your listening pleasure.

Mystery Song 1 - This is probably very obvious now, especially after various commercials using this song, as well as it being present in Kill Bill Vol. 1. But, lemme tell you, I was in musical limbo a long time before I knew the name and artist of this song.

Mystery Song 2 - I probably have heard this song in other places, but I really noticed it when I was watching John Carpenter's Christine. I never thought to look at the damned credits to figure out what song it was. I was in a bar when a DJ cured my ignorance regarding this tune. A happy day!

Mystery Song 3 - This song popped in my head just yesterday. Thankfully, a friend of mine was able to fill in the blanks for me.

Mystery Song 4 - I know there is that Rod Stewart song, "Some Guys Have All The Luck" where there's a background vocal very similar (if not identical) to this. But I'm thinking there's some 50's song that has this. Am I crazy? If someone can answer this, all my blogging will have been worthwhile.