Monday, July 14, 2008

I Thought I Needed Merkins

My upcoming short film, like pretty much any film, requires preparation. Locations must be scouted. Actors must be auditioned. Props must be acquired. Wardrobe must be selected.

There are a couple of brief shots where some of my actors will be bare-assed. These bare-ass shots will be outside, on the street, in an urban setting.

Since I am going to have some bare-assed actors around, I need to worry about their junk showing. To be more precise, I need to worry about their junk *not* showing. They can't wear thong underwear, because I don't want any straps showing from behind.

I was consulting with a couple people, and one of them mentioned spirit gum as a way of adhering fabric to the nether regions. I look up spirit gum on the Wikipedia and see a link to merkins.

Ah ha! So that's what they're called. I need merkins.

There's a great, huge costume store on Milwaukee Avenue I've been to called Fantasy Costumes. They're a treasure chest for all kinds of costumes, for Halloween, or any day besides Halloween.

On their website I pop "merkin" into the search criteria and hit the "Go..." button. Hmm. When I clicked it, it said the "Adult Costume" portion of the store was down. (however, if you type "merkin" today it provides this amusing result):

Anyways, I call up the store and ask if they have merkins. The woman who answered my call briefly puts me on hold -- I presume to get the salesperson who works the "Adult" costume portion of the store, who then picks up.

The salesperson indicates they have a black one and a brown one.

"I really need four," I reply.

"We may have a few more around," she says.

"Great! I'll be right over!"

So, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon I drive up Cicero Avenue. I reach the store, park on Milwaukee and head inside.

"I need some merkins," I say.

The woman behind the counter gives me the faintest of looks, then reaches into a glass display case. She drops two plastic baggies onto the counter. They each contain what appears to be a mound of pubic hair (one is black, one is brown).

"Whoa, whoa, I don't need these," I said.

"These are merkins," she says.

"Then I don't need merkins," I say.

I explain my needs to her, trying my best to sound civilized and not at all creepy.

She suggests I purchase some flesh-covered material from a fabric store and fashion my own modesty garments. She sells me some "men's grooming tape" (normally used for affixing hairpieces and such), and even draws a nice diagram to help me with the shape of the garment and strategic placement of tape.

So, it's one more step towards getting my film ready, and one more slice of innocence lost.


The Imaginary Reviewer said...

There are many Brits, myself included, who find it hilarious when Dubya says things such as "Mah Felluh Merkins...". Seriously, there are people in the far north of England who think America is populated by pubic wigs. True story.

domboy said...

Another good argument for bringing back the culture of eunuchs. Then all you'd need is a roll of masking tape, or perhaps some kind of elastic band scenario.

Dr Zibbs said...

What about a peanut shell and a rubber band? OHHHHH YEAHH!

Dr. Zaius said...

I think that you have spent entirely too much time thinking about this portion of your film.

Splotchy said...

The IR, bringing a bit of humor into politics was the whole reason we voted him into office for these last two 4 year terms. You surely don't think it was because we approve of his policies, do you?

domboy, I'll see if any of the actors are interested in temporary castrations. Hey, wasn't "elastic band scenario" an Andy Warwhol creation?

dr zibbs, settle down!

dr zaius, if I don't, who will? If not now, when? By the way, I guess I can't call you Dr Z no more due to Dr Zibbs. Don't worry, we're currently working on another cutesy blogger nickname for you at Splotchy Labs™.

Falwless said...

Let me get this straight -- a lady pulls from underneath a counter two mounds of pubic hair and you walk away without purchasing them? What are you, some kind of Nazi pube hater? I'm keeping my eye on you.

Splotchy said...

Falwless, I thought I was doing as Donny Don't wouldn't. Or something like that. For future reference, if I'm attending a party of yours and have overstayed my welcome, dangle a mound of pubic hair in front of me and I'll be out of your house faster than you can say "Jim Dandy".

lulu said...

What you need is a flesh coloured dance belt.

Anonymous said...

Merkin is one of my favorite words.

dguzman said...

See, if you had been a geeky English major like me, and you'd taken a Shakespeare class in college like me, and you'd gone on to get a useless master's degree in English like me, and you'd gotten sick of teaching so you were pretty much doing any goddamned thing you could think of to make money besides teaching like me, then you'd have already known that merkins were fronty wigs, and by "wigs" I mean "hair." (oh, and if you were like me, you'd know what a fronty is. But then again, you may already have figured that out.)

Just sayin'.

domboy said...

Goddamnit, first the piss paintings, and now this. Andy Warhol's done everything I think of already.

jin said...


Joe said...

My daughter is a trooper but you will NOT be asking her to assist with that part of the makeup I hope.

Please tell me she's not the one who suggested the merkins?

Fran said...

I love that dguzman shows up with all the knowledge. She is one smarty that one.

And the imaginary reviewers comment made me ROTFLMMO?


Dammit- the cat thinks it's a toy, gotta run...