Shopping and stranded during a Zombie Apocalypse

So apparently to begin blogging one must actually do an initial post. So, here it is.

I was getting a sandwich at a local megachain grocery store with a coworker a while back, and I, for some reason, posed a "Dawn of the Dead"-inspired question:

If you were stuck in this grocery store for the rest of your natural life (and assuming your natural life would continue for several decades), would you be able to subsist solely on things within the store?

My friend indicated most definitely, and basically was able to convince me, though a nagging doubt still is in the back of my mind about it.

Now I find myself going through a mental exercise when going shopping (something I don't really enjoy that much). If the world went all zombie very, very quickly, and I chose this store I was purchasing my Cheetos in to be my last stand, how long would I last? How long would I last in a Walgreen's? Six weeks? Six months?

This mental exercise doesn't need to be limited to stores having food. Imagine you're stuck in a Dress Barn -- what could you convert to weapons to hunt animals and kill zombies? The possibilities are endless! This might give you Scrooges some enjoyment on your next reluctant Xmas or Birthday shopping excursion.

The Beast Of Berwyn, Page 3

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THE BEAST OF BERWYN

You cross your arms and legs, trying your best not to disturb Enos, the alligator.

Enos spots the bag of nuts under your thigh. He gently nuzzles you.

He nibbles at you playfully.

The nibbling turns into biting.

Your left leg is now gone.

As you lose consciousness, you hear Bubs moan, "Aw, EEEEEeeeeenos. Come on!"

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

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"Bill, I can't talk right now. I'll come over later."

"Okay, Arny." Bill walks away.

You dash to the phone.

"Hello? Police? I have a dead body at my house. Thank you. Buh-bye."

Minutes later an unmarked police car arrives.

A large, burly man dressed as a mime steps out.

"Sir, my name is Sergeant Andy. Please come with me to the station."

You slide into the back seat, suddenly realizing you are sitting, once more, face-to-face with another alligator.

"Say hi to Enos," Andy says.

"I know Enos. Enos is dead. I watched him die."

"Hey, that quote is from Batman Begins!" Andy shouts. The alligator, startled, latches onto your head and rips it off in a jerking motion.

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

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"Bill, I have a situation."

"What is it? Holy carp! Dead clown! Dead cop clown!"

"What should we do? I don't want to go to jail!" you cry.

"Calm down, Arny. Let's think about our options."

Several moments of silence pass.

"Arny, first things first. Let's hide the body. Then we can think straight."

"Where? In the basement?"

"No, not the basement. That's the first place they look. Believe me."

Bill taps his lips with his finger. His bathrobe is still unsettlingly open. "Let's stuff the clown in the oven!" he exclaims.

"Before we do anything, I have to check my blog," you say. "It's been almost a day since I've been on."

You rush to your study. Your laptop has been rendered inoperable by a bullet hole.

Do you...

1) Ask Bill to hide the body while you get your spare laptop from the basement
2) Ask Bill to get your spare laptop while you hide the body

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You turn the laptop over in your hand.

"Hmmm," you say to yourself. "Doesn't look like the hard drive is damaged."

BANG!

You feel a jolt as a bullet shatters your spine. You fall to the ground.

As your life winks out, you comfort yourself with the knowledge that at least it was you, not your laptop, that took a fatal hit.

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

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You dash to the kitchen and dial the local law enforcement.

"I'd like to report a shooting," you say.

"Yes, we know," says the voice on the other line. "Officer is en route. [CLICK]"

More screams and gunfire erupt outside. The sound of glass breaking somewhere in the house. Red and blue flashing lights suddenly flood your kitchen.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

A few quiet moments pass.

There is a loud knocking at your front door. You cautiously make your way there and look out the peephole.

A sinister-looking clown in a patrolman's uniform stands at your door, seemingly looking through the peephole straight into your eyes.

"Officer Bubs," the clown announces. "Somebody call the poh-leeeeeece?"

Do you...

1) Open the door
2) Call the police again
3) Hide in the basement

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"Bill, you get my laptop. It's downstairs under my framed Nagel print. I'll hide the clown."

"Okay!" Bill rushes downstairs.

As you put your back into pushing the crumpled remains of Officer Bozo into your spacious European oven, you stop for a second. Is this what famed blogger Arny Crankowicz has come to? How can he blog about this experience in good conscience?

You reach for the phone and dial. "Officer Bubs, please."

"One moment."

A few seconds of dead phone silence pass.

"Bubs here."

"Officer Bubs, it's Mr. Crankowicz. There's a dead body in my house. I don't know how or why it got here."

"Stay put! I'll be over there right away."

You hang up the phone. Bill emerges from the basement, laptop in hand. "Is this it?"

"Thanks, Bill! Finally. I don't even know if the last post I submitted made it to my faithful readers."

You walk toward him as he holds the laptop out to you. Suddenly, the immistakable scent of the ocean fills your nostrils.

"That's a lovely scent, Bill. What is it?" you ask.

"Aramis," Bill replies.

"But Aramis doesn't have a sea..."

Bill's face twists into a mask of fury. He lifts the laptop and brings it down on your head, as you fall into darkness.

...

You wake up, dazed and woozy, with a big bump on the head.

Bubs sits next to you, typing on your laptop.

Bubs states, "Be just a sec. Updating my blog."

Do you...

1) Let Bubs finish
2) Grab your laptop and check on your own blog

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"Bubs, go home. I need to handle this on my own."

"You don't need to prove anything, Arny. You could use my help."

"Bubs, trust me."

Bubs shrugs. "Okay."

He drives off, leaving you in the darkness.

And that's the last the world saw of famed blogger Arny Crankowicz.

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

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You briefly glance up from the painstaking composition of your latest blog post, perturbed by the screams and gunshots outside. You focus back on your final summary.

=================================================
And, in some preliminary trials, the saliva of the common squirrel, when ingested,
=================================================

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrh!"

"Are you alright?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

=================================================
can ameliorate the paralytic symptoms of even the strongest neurotoxins.
=================================================

You hover your mouse over the "Publish" button, smiling contendedly with another blog post well-done.

As you smugly click your mouse button, bullets rip through your laptop and desk lamp, sending the room into inky blackness.

You fall to the ground. Several pregnant moments pass.

Suddenly, you hear a frantic knocking at your library window.

Do you...

1) Go to the library window
2) Inspect your laptop for damage
3) Go down to the basement to your other computer to see if the post was successfully published

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"We can give you a lift home. I can't right at the moment, but Detective Andy can."

Andy, a large burly man dressed as a mime motions outside.

"Good news, Mr. Wankowicz," Andy says as he opens the rear door of his unmarked police car for you.

"Yeah?"

"We found an alligator that is the spitting image of Enos."

As you sit down and the door closes, you come face to face with what looks to be Enos' twin alligator brother. Except this alligator is smiling.

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!

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You creep to your library window. A loud RAP! startles you. You see a trail of slime dripping from the glass.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," a gurgling voice moans.

You back out the room quickly, stumbling over your copperish International Blogger Award.

Do you...

1) Call the police
2) Hide in the basement

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You slowly, carefully open the door.

"Hi," Officer Bubs says. "You phoned about a disturbance?" His white clown face glows eerily in the moonlight. Abruptly, his face falls into shadow as the moon drifts behind a cloud.

"Y-y-yes," you reply.

"I took Little Miss Crazy out with some rubber bullets to the forehead."

You can barely make out a figure laying on the ground in the darkness. From what you can see, Crazy Lady is put together like a 1950's dame - hairspray and cone-shaped boobs.

Bubs shrugs. "She'll be okay, I think." He pulls his gun out of his holster, positioning it so the metal glints in the light spilling from your house. "Suh-weet, huh?! Ka-POW! KA-POW!"

"That's a beaut," you manage. You can't help staring at his wide, red grin.

"Oh, my face. Yeah. I was coming from our policeman's carnival -- it's a tradition. The clown makeup was my idea. Y'know, festive. The kids seem to like it."

"Is everything okay?" a familiar voice says.

Bubs whirls around, raising his gun.

"Whoa, whoa whoa!" you cry. "It's my neighbor!"

Your neighbor Bill Sherwin cautiously moves into the light. He wears a bathrobe that leaves little to the imagination.

Bubs looks at Bill sideways. "Sir, could you please close your robe? Your junk is showing."

"Oh, sorry," Bill says.

Bubs turns to you. "So, you're going to need to come down with me and Crazy Lady to the station so I can file a report.

Do you...

1) Go with Bubs and Crazy Lady to the station
2) Politely decline

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"Bubs, can you follow me, in case things start going all crazy?"

"You got it, Arny."

"Thanks."

"Arny, for a fancypants blogger, you ain't half bad."

"Thanks, Bubs. For a sinister-looking clown cop, you're not too bad yourself."

You make your way up a steep hill.

Crazy Lady lays unconscious on the edge of a steep dropoff. Water rushes violently below her.

"Not sssso fassssst, Arny!"

A large, half-man, half-jellyfish creature shambles towards you from out of the shadows of a towering oak tree. On one side of him, a long tentacle drags across the ground, on the other, a human hand holds a gun.

"Bill! Is that you?"

"Yesssssss. The ssssad resssssult of a ssssssspecial effect gone bad."

"Bill, I'm sorry."

"Ssssssssorry? How dare you feel sssssssorry for me, Crankowisssssssss."

"Bill, I can help you."

"How?" Bill hisses.

"Well," you say, "if there are any remedies that have been indexed by Google, I'm awfully good at finding those kinds of things."

"Sssssssssssilence!"

A tentacle shoots at you and whips you across the arm. You are knocked back. You can feel a paralysis quickly come over you.

"Police!" Bubs yells. He fires his gun.

Bill returns his fire and knocks Bubs to the ground.

"Nooooooo!" you scream.

Bubs' gun falls near your feet.

Do you...

1) Reach for the gun
2) Have a peanut

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No time for spell-checking! You hit the SUBMIT button, and dash to the kitchen and dial the local law enforcement.

"I'd like to report a shooting," you say.

"Yes, we know," says the voice on the other line. "Officer is en route. [CLICK]"

More screams and gunfire erupt outside. The sound of glass breaking somewhere in the house. Red and blue flashing lights suddenly flood your kitchen.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

A few quiet moments pass.

There is a loud knocking at your front door. You cautiously make your way there and look out the peephole.

A sinister-looking clown in a patrolman's uniform stands at your door, seemingly looking through the peephole straight into your eyes.

"Officer Bubs," the clown announces. "Somebody call the poh-leeeeeece?"

Do you...

1) Open the door
2) Call the police again
3) Hide in the basement

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"Hey!" you yell. "That's my laptop! Gimme!"

You fumble for the laptop, not seeing the loaded gun also resting on Bubs' lap.

BANG!

"Whoops," Bubs says.

THE END

There are many paths to adventure in this story. Try again and you may have more luck next time!