Thursday, September 20, 2007

Die Hard Or Suck Harder

Two movies after 9:00pm this week at the LaGrange.

Knocked Up - I'd seen this and liked it in a first-run theater, but didn't feel like seeing it again.

Live Free Or Die Hard - Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

So, it was the Die Hard movie I subjected myself to, and yes, it sucked harder than all its predecessors.

The bad guy in this movie was computer superdude Thomas Gabriel, played by Timothy Olyphant, probably most recognizable as Seth Bullock on the HBO series Deadwood, where he displayed a wide palette of emotions -- agitated hostility and hostile agitation. He plays basically the same character here, except without a mustache.

Mr. Gabriel creates havoc via his team of hackers to shutdown the US, in order to get money, or teach us a lesson, or be a jerk, or something. Ah, the action movie that uses computers as a major plot device. Excepting WarGames, these movies never work.

Here's some tips for Hollywood types thinking about making an action movie centered around computers:

1. Watching someone hit a Delete key, even if it results in an explosion causing their death, is not exciting.

2. Having a closeup shot of a cable being plugged into a USB port is not exciting.

3. Watching people sweating under pressure typing on a keyboard is not exciting.

4. Building up suspense to reveal the ultimate uber hacker (which invariably leads to a "comical" revelation that he lives in his parents' basement) is not exciting.

5. Having that uber hacker be Kevin Smith is not exciting.

John McClain, now an unstoppable action machine, has a nerd dork in tow for the entire movie -- it's that asshead Mac guy, Justin Long! I still blame you for making me go out and buy a new wireless router, jerk!

I don't know. I really enjoyed action movies in the 80's where all sorts of physical laws were routinely violated by the hero, and much destruction was done to anonymous henchman, but here it just left me cold.

Bruce Willis is just such a humorless smarmy wiener, it's impossible to enjoy this movie. And, I'm no strapping young buck, but the man's head is approaching some sort of strange four-sided polygon shape. I'm a little concerned for the man's health. Maybe he should eat more circles.


Ali McAnne said...

You're hilarious!

I beg to differ, though. What I'm going to say next is probably going to list me as the biggest geek in the world but I like the idea of a fire sale. It's brilliant! And when I get around to conquering the world, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Yippee-ka-yay, motherfuckers.

:D Cheers,

Distributorcap said...

i hate bruce willis

Splotchy said...

hailmequeen, thank you! And thank you for stopping by! I didn't necessarily find the idea of a fire sale the problem, I just think that for the most part Hollywood movies just handle anything with computers rather poorly. It's something that I notice 'cause my career is currently doing computer programming.

dc, why? He has always spoken well of you.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Dude, I would have gouged out my eyes rather than seen this flick.

Splotchy said...

dr mvm, it wasn't eye-gougingly bad.

Justin Long does get shot in the kneecap at one point.

dguzman said...

"should eat more circles" -- line of the day, Splotchy!

I'm worried that he's doing all these ridiculous tough-guy movies so that he can one day run for office. In America. And he'd win.

Ponder that one for a few moments, my friends.

Manx said...

Tim and I came up with some porno titles, if they ever based them on the Die Hard franchise.

1. Ram Hard
2. Ram Hard 2, Ram Harder
3. Ram Hard, With a Penis
4. Lick Me or Ram Hard

Splotchy said...

dguzman, we should all eat more circles. Preferably the chocolate-chipped variety.

manx, very funny! #3 is my favorite -- it's so damn specific. I think you wouldn't even have to come up with new titles for the German porno version of Die Hard, as it translates to "Those Hard"