Monday, September 10, 2007

Never Anger A Brooklynite

Beckeye shot me what I can safely describe as a series of "goddamned hard questions" in response to my interview with her.

I was sitting on them for a little bit, but I gotsta just publish my answers.

1. I've been dying to pick up this book, "This is Your Brain on Music: The Science of a Human Obsession." It's a scientific look at how the human brain processes music and attempts to explain why certain pieces of music prompt such visceral reactions in certain people. Without the benefit of a Ph.D. in neuroscience, how would you explain the mysterious hold that music can have over so many of us?

You see, *this* is why I have taken so long to answer your interview questions. My God. I get overwhelmed just thinking about this. Music and its relationship to me is a complete mystery. My reaction to music is almost primal. I'm definitely connecting to it more than on an intellectual level, even more than an emotional level. I am baffled, and unable to answer.

I'm sorry. I just don't know. It's like food, water, sun. It washes over me, and I flourish.

2. I have a hard time listening to "summertime" music once summer is over. Now that September is here, what playlist would you suggest to get everyone in the mood for Fall?

Funny you should ask! Volume 6 of the Green Monkey Music Project is going to be called "I Can't Wait For Halloween".

Other than Halloween, I think country, or music with a country tinge - Johnny Cash, George Jones, Carter Family, Grateful Dead, etc. - fits nicely as the air gets chillier.

3. You say that you love fart jokes. Have you heard the one about Britney, Roman Polanski and the dramatic chipmunk on a cruise ship? I haven't either. Please make it up now.

So much pressure! Okay, here goes.

On a European cruise, a drunk, bald Britney Spears with a bushy young chipmunk on her head staggers up to an inebriated Roman Polanski lounging in a deck chair. Britney slurs, "Mustr Pulaski, I'd lurve to be in one ub you mooveees...I do ANYting."

Polanski, looks her up and down. "You're a little old for me," Polanksi replies, "But I might have a role for your sexy young chipmunk."

Then everyone spontaneously farts.

4. While looking through your archives, I actually busted my gut upon seeing that photo of Satanic Al Pacino on "Inside the Actor's Studio." I have no health insurance. Are you gonna pay for that?

Don't you know there is no insurance in the US that covers gutbusting? What, you think we have socialized medicine here?

5. What are your favorite slang terms for male and female genitalia?

Note: I don't recall ever actually using these words in conversation (polite or otherwise).

Male: Noodle
Female: Booger


John Mutford said...

Just linked here from Barbara's post about your little rivalry.

Anyway, funny site. Your joke's pretty good, especially considering I don't normally go in for fart humour.

And if your up for a recommendation, looking at your music recommendations for September I thought I'd throw this one out to you since I just discovered it myself, and find it's pretty fitting: Rosanne Cash's "September When It Comes" (btw, her daddy sings on it, too).

John Mutford said...

"Your", should be "you're", my mistake.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That is the best fart joke, featuring a chipmunk that I have ever heard.

Splotchy said...

thanks for stopping by, john! I'll check out that Roseanne Cash song.

thanks, barb. If every joke were punctuated by farting, the world would be a happier (albeit smellier) place.

jin said...


Very excellent answers to some incredibly difficult questions...esp. #3!!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Best joke I've read all year.

dguzman said...


Another great winter CD is Suzanne Vega's first album. Chilly and stark.

Splotchy said...

thanks, jin and dr mvm!

dguzman, wow? I'm scared to ask what you meant by that.

I hope that Vega album is cooler than 99.9 degrees, 'cause that's just too damn hot.

BeckEye said...

OH. Too bad I didn't see that you had finally answered or you coulda been a "Firecrotch of the Month" contender. Well, there's always next time.

Great answers. Worth waiting for, I suppose. I agree with and country-ish music are great for fall. Most of my Finetune "Fall Mixx" is comprised of that kind of stuff.

Wonderful fart joke. Funnier than anything Sarah Silverman could ever come up with for sure. Luckily, my gut is already busted so I just bled a little upon reading it.

lulu said...

Can I be part of the next Green Monkey Project? I have some good ideas for that one.

Splotchy said...

alright, alright, I'll save you a spot.

Coaster Punchman said...

Brilliant joke, you booger.

Beth said...

I love your answer to #1!

And the joke? Laughed out loud. And coughed Dasani all over my desk.

— The Noodler

Dale said...

Now that's a hard farting interview!