Monday, February 11, 2008

Six Degrees Of Blah Blah Blah

For today's career retrospective, let's focus on an actor who has a stupid game named after him.

Together, let's relive the glorious career of Kevin Bacon.

Animal House (1978)
Lots of funny moments in this movie. It's all downhill from here for Mr. Bacon, unfortunately. Oh, and if you're the kind of person who repeatedly quotes his dialogue from this movie (e.g. "All is well!"), you're a douche who probably quotes Caddyshack way too much too. STOP IT!

Starting Over (1979)
This is that Burt Reynolds movie, right? With Jill Clayburgh? I don't remember it sucking that bad, nor do I remember Kevin Bacon in it.

Hero at Large (1980)
Didn't see it.

Friday the 13th (1980)
All the Friday the 13th movies suck, even the one they did in 3D. That being said, it was nice to see Mr. Bacon sliced down the middle as he was doing a walking handstand. Because, frankly, how many times do you really get to see that kind of thing?

Only When I Laugh (1981)
This isn't the Kristy McNichol movie where she actually says the name of the movie in her dialogue, is it? It is?! Oh, mercy.

Diner (1982)
I saw this movie a long time ago. I don't remember it as being entirely sucky. It must have been pretty good to counteract the presence of Steve Guttenberg. I believe Bacon's character was good at Jeopardy, which showed how crazy smart he was.

Forty Deuce (1982)
Didn't see this movie. [Insert your own dropping a deuce joke here]

The Demon Murder Case (1983) (TV)
Didn't see it.

Enormous Changes at the Last Minute (1983)
I like this movie title! Didn't see it.

Footloose (1984)
Absolutely ridiculous. If we all could solve life's frustrations by dancing at a flour mill, what a wonderful world it would be etc. etc.

Mister Roberts (1984) (TV)
Didn't see it, but how could a TV movie remake of an old comedy be anything other than superb?

The Little Sister (1985) (TV)
Nope, didn't see it.

Quicksilver (1986)
If you were moved by Footloose, it won't be much of a stretch to root for a former stockbroker bicycle messenger in a Guardian Angels beret.

White Water Summer (1987)
No idea what this is.

End of the Line (1987)
Or this.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
A really sappy, awful movie -- RIP, John Candy

Lemon Sky (1988) (TV)
Don't know it, might be related to Vanilla Sky or The Chocolate War, though I doubt it.

She's Having a Baby (1988)
Didn't see it. I would love it if this movie title was like the English translations for some of the films of Yasujiro Ozu -- how about, "She's Having A Baby, But..."

Criminal Law (1988)
Wow, this is a bad movie.

The Big Picture (1989)
I like this movie -- it's not great, but not bad. RIP J.T. Walsh

Tremors (1990)
Saw a half hour of it. What I saw wasn't bad.

Flatliners (1990)
Crappy, but you should already know my feelings from my Joel Schumacher retrospective.

Pyrates (1991)
Pyrates with a 'y'? I don't think I need to see this.

Queens Logic (1991)
Didn't see.

He Said, She Said (1991)
I said I didn't see it.

JFK (1991)
Loved Joe Pesci's eyebrows!

A Few Good Men (1992)
If there's one movie quote I could magically erase from the pop culture, it would be "You can't handle the truth!" Oh, and this movie sucked.

New York Skyride (1994)
Huh? What the?

The Air Up There (1994)
Hmm, what was this... Kevin Bacon and basketball in an African village? Would stating it probably sucks be a fair estimation?

The River Wild (1994)
The River Stupid is more like it. Am I right, folks?!!

Murder in the First (1995)
Kevin Bacon is in prison. Good.

Apollo 13 (1995)
I didn't see this. I'm sure it was awe-inspiring and humbling, when it wasn't too busy sucking hard.

Sleepers (1996)
Didn't see it. Blah blah blah.

Picture Perfect (1997)
This isn't the movie with John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis, is it? Because that movie sucked, but probably not as much as this one.

Telling Lies in America (1997)
This movie was written by Joe Eszterhas, and was not seen by me.

Digging to China (1998)
Don't know it.

Wild Things (1998)
Didn't see it.

Stir of Echoes (1999)
My friend worked on this! I didn't see it!

My Dog Skip (2000)
Nope. Not seen by me.

Hollow Man (2000)
Saw a little bit of it. Blah blah.

Novocaine (2001)
This was a Steve Martin movie, right? Didn't see it.

Trapped (2002)

Mystic River (2003)
Didn't see it, though I understand it's a jaunty romp.

In the Cut (2003)
Don't know it.

The Woodsman (2004)
The Woodsman?

Cavedweller (2004) (TV)

Loverboy (2005)

Beauty Shop (2005)
The Queen Latifah movie?

Where the Truth Lies (2005)
No idea about this one.

The Air I Breathe (2007)
Your guess is as good as mine.

Death Sentence (2007)
Finally, a movie I have seen! Sucked.

Rails & Ties (2007)
Nope, sorry.


McGone said...

So you won't be adopting Kevin Bacon anytime soon, is that what you are saying?

I plan on getting rocked tonight and watching Jaws and Blue Thunder to remember Roy Scheider (around 1 am I'll be out on the street with a bottle in my hand screaming "Yer gonna need a bigger boat!") but I will be pouring my 40 to the curb for JT Walsh. Thanks for bringing up a long forgotten favorite.

Splotchy said...

Oddly enough, I will probably be watching a Roy Scheider movie tonight as well.

I have a Netflix copy of Sorcerer at home.

Anonymous said...

His career doesn't seem all that impressive when you line it up like that, does it. Hey, I've been straddling the line between failure and mediocrity my entire life, where's the "Six Degrees of Kirby" game?

Boldly Serving Up Wheat Grass said...

Queen's Logic wasn't bad, actually. I have it on VHS.

lulu said...

Wild Things is actually kinda good

Jess Wundrun said...

Digging to China was on IFC or something yesterday. He plays a mentally retarded man who befriends a young girl. Cathy Moriarty and (my fave) Mary Stuart Masterson co-star.

For the record, I really like Kevin Bacon.

Splotchy said...

Let me also go down on record to say that I don't necessarily hate the people that I give a career retrospective.

I don't really despise Kevin Bacon, I don't hate Al Pacino. Okay, Joel Schumacher, I hate, I'll admit that one.

BeckEye said...

How dare you call "Footloose" ridiculous.

And you had to throw a diss at John Travolta, even though this post had nothing to do with him. You better hope you never run into me in a dark, deserted flour mill. And just so you know, "Picture Perfect" starred Jennifer Aniston and Jay Mohr and it was so much worse than just plain "Perfect."

By the way, John Travolta's only 2 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. He was in "Phenomenon" with Kyra Sedgwick, who was in "Murder in the First" with Kevin Bacon. She's married to him to, but apparently that doesn't count in the game. It's just a happy coincidence.

Oh, and I totally bawled when I saw "My Dog Skip." But I watched it like a couple of weeks after my dog died, which was probably not the best idea.

BeckEye said...

Correction: "married to him too."

I hate when I type "to" instead of "too." But at least I didn't type "two."

Splotchy said...

beckeye, let's hear it for the boooyyyyy.

And re: Travolta, what, I can't trash a movie he's in?!! You're wearing a vintage Welcome Back Kotter t-shirt this very moment, aren't you. Don't lie, 'cause I'll know.

dguzman said...

That is one shitty movie list. Wow.

Hey--I liked Apollo 13 and The River Wild!

Diamond Dave Diggler said...

I'm not a huge fan of the Baconator, but If someone wanted to see a movie and asked me what movie should I see if I never see another movie, The Woodsman would be at least in the top ten.

I'm not kidding. It's really good, and Kevin Bacon takes his game to a whole other level in it.

SamuraiFrog said...

Wow, what a lot of crappy movies.

It does make me feel good to finally meet the one other person who lives in Chicagoland that doesn't think Planes, Trains & Automobiles is the bestest holiday movie EVAR. Every Thanksgiving at the video store, we used to have a ton of people ask for that movie and hail it as an all time classic. Becca gets the same every year at Borders, too.

Fran said...

The Woodsman is one of the darkest and most tragic and yet moving films I have seen.

No I am not kidding,100% serious.

It is about a child sex offender as he attempts to return to life after incarceration.

The complex emotions and situations it presents are not for the faint of heart.

Fran said...

Let me add that it is incomprehensible to me that the same person who made The Woodsman also was the star of that idiotic footloose.

I am not even capitalizing the name.

Splotchy said...

Alright, alright!

If The Woodsman happens to be on, I might watch it. You all have convinced me.

Just don't make me watch She's Having A Baby, okay?

SamuraiFrog said...

My mom cries every time she sees She's Having a Baby. That's just... ouch.

Life As I Know It Now said...

so are you trying to say you don't like Kevin Bacon here or just that you don't like any of the movies he starred in? or maybe that any movie he is in just sucks? btw, Apollo 13 was a good movie too, maybe not as good as The Woodsman, but still good.

Splotchy said...

Liberality, I'm not sure exactly what I am really saying about Kevin Bacon or his movies with this post. This post falls under my "Two Buck Schmuck" persona, where I either do:

a) Movie reviews
b) Career retrospectives

The one thing in common with any Schmuck-related stuff is that I act like, well, a schmuck. I wouldn't take me too seriously, except the one time I did the career retrospective for Joel Schumacher, who I, having stated previously, genuinely despise.

Johnny Yen said...

I actually own Novocaine-- my friend Karol Kane played Det. Lily Pons in it.

I'm guilty as charged about quoting Animal House.

Fran said...

I have made a deep and personal commitment to never, ever see Footloose.

To that I will add- on your recommendation alone - She's Having A Baby.