Thursday, July 26, 2007

A Hypothetical Person Of Distinction

What the hell are you doing here?

Michael Bolton: I'm here for my quote.

Your quote?

Michael Bolton: Yeah, my hypothetical quote.

Mr. Bolton, I'm afraid, though I bear you no ill will, I don't consider you a person of distinction.

Michael Bolton: I've got stacks of awards, top-charting singles-

Yes, I know.

Michael Bolton: I'm nailing a Desperate Housewife.

Yes, well, Mr. Bolton, you see, the people in my hypothetical quotes series are dead.

Michael Bolton: David Foster Wallace isn't.

He's dead, he just doesn't know it yet.

Michael Bolton: C'mon, man, I got loads of quotes. Here, listen to this: "You know you're a twistin' little girl, you know you twist so fine, c'mon and twist a little closer now, and let me know that you're mine."

Didn't the Isley Brothers say that?

Michael Bolton: Huh?

Didn't the Isley Brothers say that?

Michael Bolton: What?

Never mind.

Michael Bolton: So can I get my quote or what?

No. I am sorry. Truly I am.

Michael Bolton: You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Okay. Thanks for stopping by, I guess.


Johnny Yen said...

The Summer of 1988 was a fine summer for me, marred only by 1. getting in a motorcycle accident (though there'll be a funny blog post about it) and 2. The fact that Michael Bolton's whitebread version of one of my favorite-ever songs, Otis Redding's "Dock of the Bay" was stinking up the airwaves, and the jukebox of one of the bars I hung out at then. I'll never forgive him.

Wait-- Michael did have a great quote:

"When a man loves a woman/
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else/
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found..."

J.D. said...

Michael... Bolton? Who?

Splotchy said...

Hey, if you want to see what qualifies as humor for me, check out my rather old Legendary Michael Bolton Farting Page.

The second and third pictures on the page have sound.

For some reason, in my Firefox browser it's not working, but I have little pithy comments that are supposed to pop up when you move your mouse over the pix.

The first: "Would you loan this man money?"

The second: "Breaking Wind"

The third: "Possessed by the spirit of Otis Redding"