Thursday, October 18, 2007

Finally, An Outlet For My Pent-Up Feelings Towards Joel Schumacher

There aren't many film directors out there that routinely provoke such a visceral reaction in me, but Joel Schumacher is one of them.

Let's take a look back at a long, fruitful Hollywood career.

The Virginia Hill Story (1974) (TV)
Didn't see it.

Amateur Night at the Dixie Bar and Grill (1979) (TV)
Didn't see it.

The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)
Lily Tomlin, right? I don't remember it being bad, but I used to regularly watch game shows hosted by Wink Martindale around that time, so my tastes aren't necessarily trustworthy.

D.C. Cab (1983)
This is the one with Mr. T, right? Didn't see it.

St. Elmo's Fire (1985)
Everything sucked except for the part when Rob Lowe was pretending to play the saxophone, which may be the funniest thing ever recorded on film.

The Lost Boys (1987)
Like a vampire, it sucked.

Cousins (1989)
This had Ted Danson, right? I'm guessing it probably sucked.

Flatliners (1990)

Dying Young (1991)
Didn't see it, but am 90% sure it sucked.

Falling Down (1993)

The Client (1994)
I think I saw part of this. It sucked, if memory serves.

Batman Forever (1995)
This was the Val Kilmer one, I think. Oh yeah, with Jim Carrey butchering The Riddler (R.I.P. Frank Gorshin) and Tommy Lee Jones completely missing the point about Two-Face. I only saw bits and pieces of it, but it sucked worse than getting a long rod stuck into your urethra (and I speak from experience).

A Time to Kill (1996)
Didn't see it, but it has Sandra Bullock in it, hence it sucks.

Batman & Robin (1997)
This was the George Clooney one, I believe. It sucked more than having a hot wire stuck into your urethra, but in this case, I can't speak from experience.

8MM (1999)
Disgusting, misanthropic twaddle. And it sucked.

Flawless (1999)
I didn't see this. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robert DeNiro. If any movie made by Joel Schumacher didn't suck, this might be the one. But I doubt it. It probably sucks.

Tigerland (2000)
Didn't see it. Don't know anything about it. It probably sucks.

Bad Company (2002)
Wow, I forgot about this one. I caught ten minutes of it on cable. Boy, did it suck.

Phone Booth (2002)
An intriguing premise run through a suckifier.

Veronica Guerin (2003)
Didn't see it.

The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Didn't see it. I'd wager a fiver it sucked hard.

The Number 23 (2007)
Saw the trailer. It sucked.


Moderator said...

Rob Lowe can't play saxophone?

Timothy Donavan Russell said...

You were too easy on him. There are photos of him where he looks much more dried out.

J.D. said...

I love The Phantom of the Opera, even though I completely recognize he's could just be the anti-christ, ya know, if it's not Michael Bay.

Cup said...

He brings out the visceral side of many of my friends. Makes me giggle.

Oh, yeah. His movies suck.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Eerie, I just saw The Client on TV over the weekend. Your memory does serve, it did suck, but the little kid was a pretty good actor.

Most people I know loved Flatliners when it came out but I didn't like it.

I did kind of like The Lost Boys though and the best part of St. Elmo's Fire was the line: "Men, can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em."

Well, it was funny when I was 20.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Don't hold back man, it's not healthy.

dguzman said...

Holy shit, that's one terrible resume. I'll confirm, by virtue of having wasted precious hours of my life watching them, that some of these suck:
DC Cab--15 mins of it sucked out loud
Cousins--lame americanization, only good moment is Sean Young forcefully 80s-dancing to a cover band's horrible version of With or Without You.
Dying Young--that's what I hoped would happen to me as I watched the first hour then napped.

A Time to Kill and Flawless weren't so much sucky, but they could've been a lot better.

Diamond Dave Diggler said...

The fact that you used the word "twaddle" makes this post a classic.

McGone said...

The girl I was dating at the time made me see Dying Young in the theater, and I can tell you, the title seems like a pretty good idea halfway through that crap.

Coaster Punchman said...

Actually "The Client" was pretty good. Does having Susan Sarandon in it make it suck less? I mean come on dude, JANET for God's sake!

Splotchy said...

Thanks for everyone's feedback regarding our national treasure Mr. Schumacher.

To everyone who had a kind word for him, YOU ARE WRONG.