Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bringing Civility To The Democratic Process

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.

Hello, citizens, consumers and everyone else!

Steve Jobs here!

As you are well aware, normally I use this forum as a way to reach out to you, the iSplotchy owner, whether it involves the unveiling of exciting new features or giving you the chance of a lifetime to be the proud owner of a piece of Internet history.

I realize the importance of these posts, as the iSplotchy is unanimously loved and cherished by all sentient beings (indeed, what is there not to love?). So, imagine my surprise when the Department Of Defense Against Primates (DODAP) forwarded me this libelous piece of piffle:

iSplotchy attacked by a damned, dirty ape

Who is this "Doctor" Zaius? First of all, in what country can an orangutan with mange be accredited a license to practice medicine? Finland?

"Doctor" Zaius attacks the iSplotchy, accusing it of capitalistic tendencies. Yes, you can buy the prototype. The prototype is not the iSplotchy, my good people, no more than the action figure of Zaius represents himself.

Yes, Zaius has an action figure. And if rumors prove to be true, it is a genital-less action figure.

DODAP has also forwarded me another disturbing development, coincidentally also concerning an alleged simian "doctor".

"Doctor" Von Monkerstein picks yet another running mate to prop up his failing campaign

I was somewhat disheartened by the news regarding this poor excuse for a snake-oil salesman (technically, a Crunky salesman).

"Doctor" Von Monkerstein has sunk his feces-encrusted paws into none other than G. Kristi Love.

Why, do you ask, does this disturb me? For one, G. Kristi Love was one of the early adopters of the iSplotchy (just check out her comment on this post, before it is hastily deleted by the Von Monkerstein campaign).

The past of G. Kristi Love is already being dropped down the memory hole. Witness her in happier times, the iSplotchy by her side.

Sadly, if you visit the site of "Doctor" Von Monkerstein, you'll see the iSplotchy has been erased from this picture, in the same way meaning and purpose have been erased from Love's life.

But, I am not using this forum to criticize the iSplotchy's opponents, despite the fact that they have questionable credentials and intentions. No, the iSplotchy campaign is above such mudslinging.

I am here to request an open exchange of ideas. A place where citizens of this great nation, nay, of this planet, can have a public forum to see the iSplotchy in all its glory, and see these "Doctors" for the charlatans they are.

I call for a debate.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'll not let you slander my good name or my running mate! I'll debate you anywhere any time! I'm the only candidate to put out real solutions to America's problems and I'm the only candiDate to offer America a hot running mate. Monkey/Love is not afarid of you or your bombast! We're in this for the long haul not for the short term glory.

Freida Bee said...

I am so glad to, for once, read an unbiased account if these issues. Thanks, Steve Jobs!

dguzman said...

oh the mudslinging! Rise above, people!

I love you splotch, but Dr. Monkey's running mate is hawt! I may have to vote MonkeyLove!

Fran said...

I've taken the risk of simian rejection and stood up to these two monkey types on your behalf.

Where's my kickback?

This is politics, isn't it?

GETkristiLOVE said...

I'm sure it's not a foreign concept to you that a politician switches platforms, or goes to where the money is - and Monkey/Love is money, baby!

Besides, iSplotchy was still in beta testing at the time, and was damn heavy to carry up the mountains of Colorado!

Dr. Zaius said...

Oh, the slanders of photoshop. Is nothing sacred?

Splotchy said...

dr mvm, the only real solution you have provided is how to change your running mate every 3,000 miles.

freida bee, Mr. Jobs is at the day spa, but I will be happy to give him the message when I meet him for our daily colonic irrigation.

d, I see that I'm going to have to up the concentration of pheromone mist the iSplotchy's emits.

franiam, a doodle which could no way be construed as a kickback has been posted. There's more non-kickback doodles where that came from (wink, wink).

G. Kristi Love, isn't there like no gravity on the mountains? I would think the iSplotchy would be weightless or something. If you like, I can throw in an ergonomically-designed iBack-iPack to carry your iSplotchy, as long as you promise to sinisterly and spectacularly betray Doctor Von Monkerstein late in the campaign (I'll take your answer, whether negative, positive or nonexistent as a tacit agreement to this request).

dr z, are you suggesting I used some sort of computer software to debulge your action figure? Nice try.