Monday, October 8, 2007

iSplotchy Firmware Upgrade Gives More Functionality To Consumers

Note: This post has been guest-written by Steve Jobs.


To those proud new owners of the iSplotchy, who have made the commitment to joining the technology revolution in earnest, I congratulate you!

To those yet to make the leap, I am proud to announce a recent firmware upgrade that will soon be available on this site, providing ever-expanding functionality to an already spectacular product.

I routinely ping the gadget-savvy community, visit message boards, and scan the Usenet archives for ways I can improve upon this product.

Three requests continually appear in my ongoing investigations:

1. Food

People who love technology also love food. Food is what keeps us going. But a problem arises -- how can we have a home-cooked meal on-the-go?

With the latest firmware upgrade, we have programmed the iSplotchy with nanofrying receptors that can convert solar energy into localized temperatures hot enough to cook food.

The iSplotchy, in direct sun on a cloudless summer day, is hot enough to fry eggs.

2. Games

The loud clamor of gamers echoed through the iSplotchy forums, and now this "Marco" has been effectively "Poloed".

Those getting the new upgrade will find the iSplotchy capable of roughly approximating the experience of many classic arcade games, from Pacman, to Ms. Pacman, to Donkey Kong III (Galaga scheduled for 2012).

iJoysticks and iScreen available separately

3. Romance

Ah, the human condition. We all long for love. For companionship. For MAGIC.

The iSplotchy's core nanotechnology has expanded to fully engage the appetites of the discerning adult.

For his and her "pleasure"


As you can see, there is no time like the present to jump on the iSplotchy train.

Lastly, and I really do apologize for bringing this up -- there have been unfounded criticisms leveled at the iSplotchy, the like of which you can find here.

I will not sit idly by as less-than-scrupulous individuals tarnish the image of this amazing product.

While the iSplotchy is the pinnacle in consumer gadgetry, there will always be people that attempt to "hack" into whatever technology they can get their grubby little hands on.

The situation described in the scurrilous post above is evidence of a failed hack into the iSplotchy. When the iSplotchy senses an attempted hack, it will be "rubbled" useless to prevent the hacker from using the iSplotchy for unsavory purposes.

As it rubbles, it also notifies the manufacturer of the nature of the attempted hack. The report on this particular iSplotchy indicates that its owner, Doctor Monkey Von Monkerstein, attempted to do the following with the product:

1. Gold coin creation
2. Penis enlargement
3. Monkey desmellification

This kind of hackery will not be tolerated. The fact that Dr. Monkerstein is currently running a fruitless candidacy for the 2008 Presidency makes this affront even more serious.

How can you stop this kind of inside-the-beltway shenanigans? Vote for the iSplotchy in 2008.


GETkristiLOVE said...

Can I wait for iSplotchy, ver 2.1.4?

Freida Bee said...

I can't wait to have sex with my new iSplotchy as per it's new #3 capabilities.

By the way, I tagged you in a meme yesterday and then didn't tell you (until now.)

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I'll get you Steve Jobs, just you wait.

Distributorcap said...

rumor has it the ISplotchy is really the "Lisa" -- just refurbished

please tell me that is just a rumor --- i am planning to get an iSplotchy for Xmas/Kwanzaa/Hannukah

Fran said...

mmmm... romance. glad i was an "early adopter" of this great iSplotchy technology.


Tenacious S said...

What kind of support plan is available for the iSplotchy? Will I have to wait in line for an indeterminate amount of time only to be berated by an iSplotchy Genius if I need help? Please advise.

Splotchy said...

kristi, versioning the iSplotchy in such a manner gives people the false impression that there are flaws which need to be corrected. We're sticking to integers for our releases.

freida b, yeah I saw the tag, I'll prolly get to the meme some time day or tomorrow. And what makes you think #3 had anything to do with sex? What a dirty mind you have.

dr mvm, I know it's embarrassing to have your treachery and penis enlargement monkeyshines exposed, but there's no need to get personal about it. Keep in mind that Jobs tactfully omitted the attempted testicle waxing.

dc, it's actually built on top of the NeXT computer architecture.

franiam, I hope the iSplotchy can count on your dreamy vote!

ten s, the iSplotchy is self-sustaining, intuitive and smarter than people. No support model is necessary. iSplotchy is Genius ™

Manx said...

I hate elections. It's usually a choice between a giant douche or a turd sandwich.

Oh well, P Diddy did say "Vote or Die" and I do like living so....

I'm voting iSplotchy in 08!!

By the way, thanks for the iSplotchy Musical Instrument Transmogrification upgrade you sold me last week. Best $499.00 download I ever spent.

Even if it didn't transform into a digeriedo on command, it would still have my vote!

Splotchy said...

thanks for your support, manx!

I look forward to a future release of your iSplotchy musical noodlings.

dguzman said...

Is there NOTHING the iSplotchy can't do? Can't wait to eat those eggs with a little picante sauce.

Joe said...

What is your response to reports that the iSplotchy stations promised by Chicago Marathon organizers every 5 miles were nowhere to be seen?

Splotchy said...

d, the iSplotchy is an unstoppable happiness machine.

bubs, I advise you take up your question with the Mayor's Office. On advice of counsel, I am unable to say anything further.

Fran said...

Over at Just Wondering, I posited that the new iSplotchy might have some usefulness as a birth control device.

Just sayin'!

Splotchy said...

franiam, thanks for plugging the product (just be careful where you plug it)!