Tuesday, October 16, 2007

If I Were A Writer For The Onion

If I were a writer for The Onion, you bet I would have suggested a funny story revolving around the Lolcat phenomenon. From what I can tell with my limited abilities using Google, this trend has not yet been skewered by them.

My article would have been something like "Majority of US cats now being raised for LOL pictures".

The piece that I would have written in The Onion would have not been very funny, honestly. And, most likely, I would be fired after a few weeks, when they realized I was bereft of ideas that matched The Onion's particular niche of comedy.

Before being fired, I would attempt to transition to a position in their non-funny but nevertheless stellar site A.V. Club. I would be entrusted to write a review about a new album by Sleater-Kinney. Instead of listening to the album, I'd procrastinate. At the last minute, I'd try and get my mom to write my album review for me, but she would refuse.

My editor at the A.V. Club would regrettably fire me for providing a hacked-up piece of piffle about Sleater-Kinney.

I'd have one last chance working in the ad department, but I'd accidentally (and unintentionally) say something extremely offensive about Burton-Marsteller, and whammo! Fired.

I'd be so angry, on my last day I'd run around with my pants off, peeing on anyone and anything I could get near.

Security would be called, and I would be sent to jail for being a weenie waver (for the record, I would be getting no sexual gratification from peeing on The Onion's staff and property).

So, maybe it's best for me not to be a writer at The Onion. And it had started out with such promise!


Diamond Dave Diggler said...

I comm NT on ur blog!

Barbara Bruederlin said...


Diamond Dave Diggler said...

The funniest The Onion headline I ever read which still gets me laughing every time I think about it was "Video Game Character Feeling Healthier After Eating Turkey Leg Off Ground" Check out the picture...


The fact that I find this so funny probably says more about me than I would like

Splotchy said...


cowboy, I remember that headline, and remember cackling madly when I first saw it. It's one of my favorites. It's actually a very odd coincidence you mention this particular headline.

The image from the headline is from the game Final Fight. A comics blog I read had a post a couple weeks ago, where it talked about a new figurine of "Poison", a character from the game Final Fight. That post got me sentimental about the game, which I had played in the arcade. I fired up my MAME emulator this past Sunday and played a full game of it. Crazy! Everything is comin' up Final Fight!

Oh, and thanks for stopping by! From my stats page, it appears you are a Saluki (that's my alma mater). I hope the heat is starting to leave that little humid piece o' land, and the foliage is a-turnin'. I miss how beautiful it is down there.

dguzman said...

Oh, the best-laid plans of mice and men....

Probably the funniest headline I ever read on the Onion was "Holy Shit Man Lands on Fucking Moon." I imagined what I would've thought if I'd seen that headline back in '69 when I was four and watching every. fecking. second. of the moon landing I could. I wanted to be an astronaut so badly.

By the way, I'm on ur broom...goin 2 Hogwarts.

Diamond Dave Diggler said...

Yes, I am a grad student in zoology at SIUC. It's cooling down, but the bugs have not gotten the idea yet.

Catherine said...

That would be the best onion story evah!!! lolcats are the wave of the future! I know we would all be pleased if that story was ever written and posted on some blog somewhere. ;)

Splotchy said...

dguzman, the moon article was definitely a classic. I believe they slapped that one on some of their merchandise, so y'know they thought pretty highly of it themselves.

cowboy, damn those southern Illinois bugs!

cat, I was actually going to post the lolcats idea itself, then I thought to myself, boy, it's just a pale imitation of something I'd see in The Onion. Hence, the post I ended up with. I'm thinking I might have all my posts from this point on end with me running around pantsless, wildly urinating.

Evil Genius said...

I actually do write for the Onion. (At least I am hoping that if I propagate this myth that it may be mistaken for truth by someone at the Onion.)

Favorite Onion headline: Jenna Bush's federally protected wetlands now open for public drilling.

I also have an unhealthy addiction to ICHC.

Splotchy said...

evil g, congrats on your job at the Onion! That's the power of positive visualization, to the exclusion of all external realities! Zig Ziglar would be so proud!

Evil Genius said...

I'll put in a good word for you.

Freida Bee said...

I have a friend that wrote a hilarious article about himself in lieu of a resume that he gave to The Onion, but since it was just for a distribution job, they never called him back.

This is my favorite Onion headline pic/ story, or I might say WAS because the video game one is PFH (that's pretty fucking hilarious) as is the LOL cat idea. I like the "related story" to the computer character one in the side bar, "Local Man Exhausted After Long Day of Video Games."

This is also PFH, Rob Bloom's list of rejected Onion article titles.

I may attempt the same approach when I amass more rejected lists for McSweeney's