Thursday, May 24, 2007

Requiem For A Physics Teacher

Inspired by Coaster Punchman's heartwarming tale of a teacher, I bring you one of my own.

None of this is made up. It's all true.

I had a physics teacher in high school named Teddy Baer (pronounced "Bear"). Yes. I know. I don't know how he made it to adulthood, either.

He didn't have the witchy maliciousness of CP's Ms. Lowmuff, but he certainly had his share of problems.

He was actually a shop teacher, who, probably due to budgetary concerns, was tapped to teach high school physics. I'm using the word "teach" in the loosest sense of the word.

I remember vaguely doing lots of quadratic equations, for purposes that elude me even to this day.

Mr. Baer had a habit of mispronouncing words, many of them being quite amusing.

There were enough of these that my friend Tim and I actually started keeping a list. Sadly, this list has been lost, but I still remember a few.

The all-time favorite of mine was him saying "Connecticut energy" instead of "kinetic energy". He said this a *lot*. I actually got a detention a couple of times because of uncontrollable snickering.

Despite having some levity in the class, I would have much rather learned a bit more about physics -- overall this class was a pretty big drag.

So, how did I exorcise the demon of Teddy Baer?

Why, with a song of course.

Click to hear --> Requiem For A Physics Teacher <--

I was just learning to play guitar, Tim was just learning how to play drums, and both of us were learning how to sing badly. Still, a nice song.

Here's the lyrics, if'n you can't understand our adolescent caterwauling.

Up there, It's Mr. Baer
He's gonna jump
He's gonna jump

In a classroom far away
There lived a man who died today
Thought he was king of all equations
But he forgot about acceleration

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don't care if you float on air
We think you're such an awesome teacher
But we don't if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump

Connecticut energy
Motary rotion
Can you stand
On Jupiter's ocean?
(You know you can't, Mr. Baer.)

All right
All right

Up there, It's Mr. Baer
He's gonna jump
He's gonna jump

Watch Mr. Baer do the slamming wall dance
Does he know he's got chalk on his pants?
He should be home, drinking his Coors
But instead he's falling forty floors (Oh no!)

Mr. Baer you got no hair
But we don't care if you float on air
We think you're such an awesome teacher (Word!)
But we don't if we should beseech you

Not to jump
Not to jump


lulu said...

Thre was a teacher at my high school named Lyon Trainor. (maybe it was Trayner, I never had him)

Splotchy said...

Well, at least that's sort of macho.

Joe said...

You should TOTALLY have sold that song to Jonathan Richman.

Splotchy said...

I'd give it to Jojo for free.

Coaster Punchman said...

Where did you attend school? Prison?

Splotchy said...

No, not prison.

But, the school was notable in that it did not have any windows.

Also, the gym was carpeted.

Two more sad facts of my adolescence.

Tenacious S said...

I had Mr. Trainor. He had his name changed. Why? I don't know, but I thought he was really cool because he had the "Rock Hall of Fame" muraled on his wall by art students. Actually, that's a pretty cool thing for a teacher to do.

jin said...

That song is hilarious!

Splotchy said...

TenS, what was his final name?

jin, thanks so much for your kind comments! At some point I'm planning to upload another funny-ha-ha-not-funny-strange R.E.M. parody song by Tim and I. May it not suck to your ears!

Dale said...

The prim typing teacher at my high school was named Miss Toogood. Honest.

Splotchy said...

dale, who knew high school was such a magnet for adults with ironic names?

Anonymous said...

Seriously... feel sorry for this guy. (both student and teacher). How many years do we spend wasting our lives because our teacher is clueless? How many teachers stop and add up the time wasted because they are forced to teach things that they are clueless about?

It's worse on the teacher end! 25 students times a 1 hour class = 25 hours. Then 25 hours times 6 classes a day times 36 weeks of teaching... that is 5400 HOURS lost during a school year. WOW.

Splotchy said...

zodea, I guess I feel a little sorry for the guy in retrospect, but he was perfectly content in teaching this course in blissful ignorance.

I see that you are about to undertake teaching Physics for the first time.

You are obviously a little nervious, but are also motivated and determined to do a good job, which is nothing like the teacher I had.

Thanks for visiting, and good luck on your class! I'll check out your progress via your blog.