Monday, May 28, 2007

A Dorky And Dangerous Meme

Okay, this has been brewing in my head a bit.

I don't know that this classifies as a "meme" (I actually have no idea *what* makes a meme a meme, honestly).

I would like you to share your favorite Dungeons and Dragons story. Ideally, the story should involve a character of yours, and will entail you describing events in the game you were playing. If it makes a better story also talking about the "real world" that your D&D game is transpiring in, that's fine.

You can provide helpful informative details in your story, but try to write under the assumption that your readers have memorized the Player's Manual, Monster Manual, and Dungeon Master's Guide. If they don't know what a vorpal blade is, that's their problem, not yours.

Assuming you have a story to share, here are some things to consider.

Why You Might Consider Posting Your Story
1. D&D adventures are, after all, ripping adventure yarns. Who doesn't love a ripping yarn?
2. Chances are there will be no one else with your exact story. This is a unique life experience that can brighten someone's day.
3. Share your exploits -- did you take on a Beholder? Damn!

Why You Might Consider Not Posting Your Story
1. You play(ed) D&D? Ewwwwww.

Okay, here's mine.

First off, I haven't put in tons of active duty in D&D campaigns. Most of my D&D experience has been through computer games, particularly the wonderful game Pool of Radiance.

My brother, who is several years my senior, would occasionally get together with some of his buddies and play D&D. At age nine, I'm sure I was a drag to a group of teenagers rolling the 20-sided. Still, one time they let me play with them.

My name was Hydrox the Cookie. I was a Gnome thief. And I was terrible.

I believe the DM of this particular game was of the "asshole" variety. At one point I was talking to members in my party, and I said something along the lines of, "We should kill that guy." Of course, since I was saying this, the DM interpreted this as my character saying this. And since my character was in a crowded street, some NPC heard me say it. Call the constables!

I think I was the only person that got caught in the ensuing scuffle with the law. I did put up a fight, but I was quickly knocked unconscious, and woke up in jail.

When I woke up in my cell, which was barren, except for a bench hanging off the wall, there was a mean rat staring at me. I didn't have a weapon and I didn't have any armor. So, what the hell was I supposed to do? It moved toward me and I kicked at it. It bit me for a couple hit points of damage.

I proceeded to get into a very uncool hissy fit. I tried kicking it again and missed. My brother was starting to get very angry at me. The rat bit me again and I went to zero hitpoints. Bang! I was out of the game. I believe at this point tears might have been welling up in my eyes.

My brother shouted, "Why didn't you just jump on the bench?!"

I said, "I don't know!"

And then I had to go to bed.

The next day, my brother informed me that I had not died, but had merely been knocked unconscious by the rat. He said that I later rejoined the party. At this point my character was played by the aforementioned "asshole" DM. Apparently, I was wounded again in an encounter with a displacer beast. But, our party prevailed and we defeated the monster, getting a generous amount of treasure in the process.

My take? A +1 dagger that extended to a +1 short sword when a button on the handle was pressed. A goddamned magic switchblade.


Timothy Donavan Russell said...

I don't recall any of the adventures, having only played once or twice briefly in 6th grade, but I do remember that my character was a ten-foot-tall lizard man named Phobius.

I also remember how I really liked those dice. That is all.

Dale said...

The only dungeon I remember was the unfinished basement of our house where my friends and I used to smoke pot in while we made fun of you.

Joe said...

What Dale said.

Except, uh, I never ever smoked pot because that was against the law. And I have always been as you see me now.

Splotchy said...

dale and bubs, you're lucky my characters have always been chaotic good. A lawful evil character would not stand for the base insults you spew from your adventure-deprived pieholes.

Dale said...

Um, I didn't smoke it either, I heard about it being smoked. I did hot knives though, that's legal right?

lulu said...

I have a theory that you might be able to shed some light on. I think that people who played D&D as teenagers grow up to hang around in BDSM clubs wearing jackboots and calling themselves Master Pain, and Sir Overlap. Any truth to this?

Splotchy said...

BDSM? Are you crazy?

Well, if the BDSM involved some Hostess products, you might be on to something.

My safe word is "Ding Dong".

lulu said...

Seriously, its all a big fantasy RPG only with sex instead of dragons.

The Ding-Dong was originally called the King Don, which fits right in mwith my theory.

Johnny Yen said...

Is that what Lou Reed was singing about in the Velvet Underground song "Sister Ray," when he was saying something about a sailor sucking on his ding dong at a heroin-fuelled orgy? Were there other Hostess products involved?

Coaster Punchman said...

Um Lu, what are you talking about? D&D players grow up to be reenactors. Everybody knows that.

Splotchy said...

mr. yen, i thought that song was about the final battle for Middle Earth. Don't they mention Samwise Gamgee in there? "Who just got back from the Land of Mordor, he said he didn't like the weather?"

CP, only the magic users and clerics became reenactors. The fighters and thieves become bloggers. And we won't mention what becomes of the monks and bards.

Johnny Yen said...

Aha-- here all these years I thought he'd just got back from Carolina. Thanks for clearing that up!

Splotchy said...

Hey, I'm just glad to clear up confusion whenever I can.

You don't know how many people I run into saying the same thing as yourself, dead sure that I'm dead wrong.

And believe it or not, a large percentage of those people take a swing at me.