Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Two Buck Schmuck: A Celebration

Wow, all the Two Buck Schmuck columns at my fingertips?

Yes. Yes, they are.

January 16th, 2011 - The Social Network
I have no idea what happened in this review. I went batshit crazy.

November 24th, 2009 - Couples Retreat
As soon as I recover from how bad this movie was, I'll think of something amusing to put here.

November 19th, 2009 - Law Abiding Citizen
What did it take me to get me back to the LaGrange? Apparently, a shirtless Gerard Butler.

June 19th, 2009 - Obsessed
Beyoncé punches marital difficulties in the throat.

May 15th, 2009 - Adventureland
Contrary to popular belief, it is not a cinematic adaptation of the Atari 2600 game Adventure.

November 26th, 2008 - Eagle Eye
What's that smell? Oh, it's this movie.

October 28th, 2008 - Righteous Kill
Finally, a dream of mine comes true. DeNiro and Pacino in a shitty movie together!

September 24th, 2008 - Get Smart
Get Stupid is more like it. AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!!

June 27, 2008 - Iron Man
Director Jon Favreau evokes my irrational, bitchy wrath by his mere existence.

June 16, 2008 - 88 Minutes
Al Pacino hits another one out of the park. And by out of the park, I mean a foul ball that kills a stray kitten.

April 30, 2008 - The Bank Job
Not to be confused with The Italian Job or The Bank Dick.

April 12, 2008 - Juno
I didn't like this movie. Honest to blog!

March 26, 2008 - National Treasure: Book Of Secrets
The Book Of Secrets, As Seen In A Crappy Movie

February 21, 2008 - The Golden Compass
I'm suffocating from all the whimsy!

January 31, 2008 - The Darjeeling Limited
It's cute, it's precious, it's altogether wretched.

November 21, 2007 - Halloween (2007) with addendum
Look Helen, there's a seven foot tall man wearing a mask and covered in blood, holding a big knife and walking down the street. Do you think we should call someone?

November 13th, 2007 - The Brave One
Jodie Foster's boring as hell and she's not going to take it anymore.

October 28th, 2007 - The Bourne Ultimatum
Most likely, this is the only review of the latest Bourne movie that starts with a magic wall guarded by a geezer and a star falling from the sky.

October 18th, 2007 - Death Sentence
Watch out, Kevin Bacon is gettin' MAD!

October 7th, 2007 - Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
The magic of sitting in an uncomfortable seat for 2+ hours.

October 4th, 2007 - The Invasion / Transformers (partial)
A main course of vomiting pod people, followed by a small dessert of CGI robots with attitude.

September 19th, 2007 - Live Free Or Die Hard
Do you think Bruce Willis will save the day? Do we dare to dream?

September 12th, 2007 - 1408
The fear of sharing a hotel room with John Cusack for an hour and a half.

August 28th, 2007 - Ocean's Thirteen
Some superstitious people view the number 13 with dread, which now makes perfect sense to me.

July 24th, 2007 - Hostel: Part II
Life imitates art, as the Schmuck is violently pelted with cherries.

July 17th, 2007 - Spider-Man 3
The Schmuck dons the sweat-soaked red and blue tights.

June 27, 2007 - Fracture
Wake me up for the scene where Ryan Gosling wears a Starved Rock t-shirt.

June 18, 2007 - Wild Hogs
What's funnier than Tim Allen riding a motorcycle? Plenty.

June 13, 2007 - Hot Fuzz
The Schmuck is in luck to see a movie that doesn't suck.

May 31st, 2007 - Shooter
Introductions, declaration of purpose, Mark Wahlberg shooting people in the head.


Al "Bug Eyes" Pacino

Joel "Shitty" Schumacher

Kevin "Makin'" Bacon


Reviews at Chicago's Davis Theater

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