Monday, July 9, 2007

The Gay Side Of Splotchy

Well, I warned you. Now, here it is.

The Gay Side Of Splotchy.

I don't know if I have enough gay in me to warrant attributing a whole "side" to gayness, but here goes anyway.

Some gayish facts about me:

1) My first apartment in Chicago was just east of Broadway on Grace, at the northern edge of what is affectionately known as "Boys' Town". You want Girls Town, you haveta go up to Clark and Foster, ladies. I really liked the neighborhood. It had a nice vibe (but parking was for shit!).

2) Being originally from the relatively homophobic (or at least homoambivalent) Springfield, Illinois, I was initially taken aback by the sex shops and horribly-punned gay bars ("Manhole" anyone?), but quickly got used to it. I realized how it must suck to be gay in some small town where this kind of environment doesn't exist. There was a palpable "gayness" (as in happiness) around this neighborhood. I can certainly understand the desire of many people to flock to a large metropolitan area for this kind of stuff.

3) On one of my nightly walks around the neighborhood (it was always buzzing) I was asked, "Do you want to earn a hundred bucks?" I paused for a second, and very politely said, "Nah." To which, the man asking me incredulously said, "Really?!!" I'm not sure what he was wanting for the money he was offering. I'd like to think he found me attractive and wanted to have sex with me.

4) My crotch was grabbed by a black transvestite hooker as I was walking up Broadway. I loudly said, "No thanks!" as I pushed his/her hand away. I'm very polite on my walks.

5) I had a man-crush on Jude Law, mostly after seeing him in Wilde and eXistenZ, and before he got all ubiquitous and creepy. I later had a man-crush on Clive Owen after seeing him in Sin City and Children of Men.

6) I have some gay tastes in music.

Which brings us to the latest hits in the Splotchy jukebox (which you can access over on yonder right side of this here blog)...

1) Shirley Bassey - Goldfinger
I have an unhealthy love for this song, and I *am* Shirley Bassey when I am singing along with it.

2) The Left Banke - Pretty Ballerina
Okay, okay, not all of these songs are gay. This song is more twee than gay, but gay and twee songs inhabit the same place in my heart. So sue me. I really wish when I'm singing with it that I could hit all the high notes. I'd love to do this song in a band.

3) Belle And Sebastian - Me And The Major
More beautiful tweeness. But it rocks hard.

4) Eiffel 65 - Move Your Body
Okay, I think I can call this one pretty gay. I first was exposed to this song via its music video. One of the band members is dressed in black and does high kicks to hit small robots that explode. That's pretty gay, isn't it? Plus, I heard this song in a gay bar, which makes it gay, as is my understanding.

5) Antony and the Johnsons - Divine
I love Antony. He sings like a drag queen. This song is about John Waters' friend and oft-used actor Divine, and is pretty powerful.

6) The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
Now, I hadta put a Smiths song on here. In my humble opinion, this is the gayest one.

7) ABBA - Fernando
Ah, Fernando. I really love this song. For some reason I made up my own lyrics for the chorus, which I get so much joy from singing:

There was something in my eye
It burned
"Oh God," I cried, "Fernando!"

8) Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
This song is all sensitive and shit, and it really affects me. It's so twee that it rolls over into macho.

9) Young Marble Giants - Wurlitzer Jukebox
Another song that would get you beaten up at a roadhouse bar if you tried playing it (assuming the bar was stocking the Young Marble Giants on their jukebox).

Wow, I am a little disappointed with my gay taste in music. I *was* trying to find some stuff that you might be unfamiliar with. At least that's the argument I am going with.

Oh well.


Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Does your wife, oops, I mean, beard know about all this?

Johnny Yen said...

No Smiths?

In the late eighties, I worked full time as a waiter, and not surprisingly, many of my co-workers were gay. We'd go out after work and usually go to a gay bar, as I was the only straight guy in the group. It did have it's effect on my musical taste-- I love New Order ("Blue Monday" and "Bizarre Love Triangle") and Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive."

Splotchy said...

dr mvm, yes my wife and/or beard is fully aware of my gay side. This reminds me, I had a man-crush on a non-celebrity guy as well -- a busboy at an Italian restaurant we used to go to a lot.

jy, re: no Smiths -- please direct your attention to #6 on my list. I had thought about including New Order's "Blue Monday" (as well as "Situation" by Yaz), but I have an itch to do a synth rock post at some point and didn't want to use these songs if I might want them there.

Unknown said...

I adore that Sufjon Steven's song, and in fact posted the video of it on Pulaski day.

I'm not sure how long you've been out of the city, but Clark and Foster is not girlstown so much any more. There are way more gay guys here than girls, and the whole neighborhood is in danger of being run over by mommys and strollers. I love living here, even though I am not gay, for exactly the same reasons you loved living in boystown (where I also lived for years). It's always hopping! I don't get hit on very often though, although I once had a black transvestite hooker tell me I looked like shit and needed to get some sleep.

Splotchy said...

I didn't realize there was a video to the Pulaski song. I'll have to check it out (assuming it doesn't make me all weepy!).

Sorry to hear about the mommification of Andersonville. And, sorry to hear about your black transvestite hooker experience. I think I'd prefer getting grabbed in the crotch.

Johnny Yen said...

Just realized I missed it on the first viewing.

Yaz' "Situation" was responsible for a "gay" rumor about me and my friend Lenny in college. It was playing in a club we were in, and we both loved the song and went out and danced to it. We figured "what the hell-- girls dance together all the time." We really didn't care about the rumor-- we were pals with all the gay guys in town, and they thought this rumor, passed on by straight people, was hilarious.

I had the same thought Lulu had about the northward move of the geographic heart of Chicago's gay community. Boystown is becoming yuppie couple town, replete with those monster strollers of theirs.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Which side of you is gay - the front or the back?

Splotchy said...

jy, to stop the onslaught of yuppie families, perhaps its necessary to for the gay community to bring out the big guns -- leather vests, nipple clamps and ridiculously short hotpants -- the real test will be when winter rolls around.


Coaster Punchman said...

We're going to start gay rumors about you now.

Splotchy said...

well that's a given, cp.

Just make them interesting.

Johnny Yen said...

Don't forget the leather chaps. Those are usually good for a scare to the tourists.

Johnny Yen said...

The assless leather chaps, I should add.

kim said...

Baby, you come on over and Karaoke with Mr. Yen and I anytime. We have "Fernando"----

Splotchy said...

jy, assless leather chaps are so over. It's all about the rubber pants that push down your testicle cleavage nowadays.

kim, throw in some Lipps, Inc. as a chaser to the tall stiff drink of Fernando, and I'm there!

lulu said...

Oh, Andersonville is still WAY GAY during the Gay High Holy Season aka, International Leather Man, Pride Parade and Halsted Market Days. I've seen more than my share of assless chaps. Good Lord.

dguzman said...

Wow, Splotchy, this post made me laugh even harder than I thought it would! The comments are also hilarious.

Oh boy, a synth rock post! Of course you mentioned a lot of my favorites, except for that synthy remake of "I'm Losing You" which must have played at least eight times a night at the little college bar I used to frequent. It was the only bar in town, and it (and I, or so I thought) was straight. Ah, the past--good and GONE.

Splotchy said...

d, thanks for the kind words.

I dunno if I have heard "I'm Losing You". Who did it?